I think I am in a co-dependent relationship

PsychedelicFur · ‎02-02-2023

I believe I am in a codependent relationship. My partner constantly tells me that "if you leave me I will cry and cry and never be happy again." AND "I can't live without you."

As you can imagine, these comments would make anyone feel extremely suffocated and uncomfortable. I have told him it makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't like it but he still does it. He says he only does it out of love though.

He also says "if you leave me I will never be happy again. You are my reason to be happy." It's A LOT of pressure on me, as you can imagine.

He also constantly cries if I try to break things off with him or if I talk to him about other serious issues. I feel like I can't communicate serious issues with him without him getting upset.

I feel like I can't evolve as a person. I feel a bit stuck.

He also constantly tells me to marry him and move in with him and I tell him NO but he still brings it up. I know.. deep down I am not ready at all for such big and life changing commitments. University is my top priority, it will help me more in the long run.

He still calls me his 'wife' in front of friends too.. even when I tell him to not do it..

I love and care about him but he is HEAVILY reliant on me for his happiness.

I don't know what to do... I am scared to leave him because then all of his friends, family and even he will probably hate me.

I have tried but it's really hard to deal with.

white knight · ‎03-02-2023

Hi PF,

Good to see you. Freedom is our right and our BF's/GF's should ensure our happiness is paramount, a responsibility for them to adopt to make sure we are ultimately happy. He should have by now, with all the warnings, changed his tack and dropped all these actions expressing clinginess thus stopping you feeling bound up.

His behaviour is akin to smothering along with catastrophising, the "if you leave me" is also akin to emotional blackmail, a sad term that I've experienced. 40 years ago at 27yo my mother used it. I was dating a girl she didnt like. "if you dont break off with that girl I'm going to go on holidays and you'll be all alone" my answer- "do you want me to help you pack your suitcase"? That is the way to deal with that.

When he introduces you as his "wife" after so many warnings it's "I'm not his wife, in fact I likely wont be his girlfriend if he continues to introduce me in that way" after warnings that what he needs, a shock answer.

When a relationship has such abrasive parts to it that might be a signal that it's unlikely to settle the way you want. It would put doubt in my mind to marry him because you dont know if he will continue this attitude after marriage in other ways eg having a coffee with girlfriends, will he be jealous? insist he be there? You might need to remind him that you weren't born with a remote.

You are not in this world to live up to his expectations nor be the pivot of his happiness.

TonyWK

geoff · ‎03-02-2023

Hello PF, under any circumstance you can't live with a relationship like this, simply because it restricts in what you want to do, it's not good for your own health, and because you can't be held to what he decides to do in life.

You could be doing everything possible to help him, but to himself he feels as though it's not helping and then does something, which then confuses you and you ask yourself 'what else can I do'.

He needs immediate help to try and associate himself to being alone, because you can't help him with everything, because what you think may be positive, he thinks the opposite.

Geoff.

Life Member.

W_Crane · ‎04-02-2023

... if you leave me I will cry and cry and never be happy again... I can't live without you... he says he only does it out of love though... if you leave me I will never be happy again... you are my reason to be happy... calls you wife...

That is not love, that is dependency, manipulation, pressuring, not respectful, guilting the person that he pretends to love...

If you break it off, be open about it, say he pushed the relationship too fast, too hard... his friends should understand that... they see it by themselves, Even it they hate you, it's your life...

PsychedelicFur · ‎05-02-2023

I left him. I spoke to him in person and I left him. This was two days ago. I still care about him.

Another thing that pushed me to leave him was that during our beginning phase of our relationship, probably a good three or four months into our relationship he still had a photograph of an ex crush on display in his room.. I didn't know about this until three weeks ago. Because since then he has moved into his own place and I never got to see his room back at his parent's house.

He confessed very recently. After almost a year of being together that hurt me very deeply.. that he had a photograph of just his ex crush up on display in his room.

And when we first started talking he told me he calls her his 'Little Beauty', even though she rejected him and they never got to date.

This really hurt me.

Part of me knows I DID the right thing and then another part of me feels sad for him. I have to do what is best for ME though.

PsychedelicFur · ‎05-02-2023

I am just so lonely and worried. I hope I can grow as a person and thrive.

white knight · ‎05-02-2023

Hi PF

I am just so lonely and worried. I hope I can grow as a person and thrive. Guilt is like worry, it only produces ulcers and has no other positivity... maybe it will make you more punctual.

We've tackled "loneliness amny times here and in general the old fashioned methods are the best imo. Joining clubs, sports, hobbies, interests. The initial step is the hardest. Many years ago I joined a volleyball club in a small town, there was nothing else to do. I soon realised I'd have to wait for a vacancy because it was the only sport year round I could join. A few week watching and I was chosen and it was great.

My wife, in the same town joined a "material girls" group and so many years later and moved away, she still has those friends.

...and then another part of me feels sad for him. Dear PF, you have what is termed "saving the world" syndrome that I had 35 years ago and it was tackled by my therapist. I lived a life of trying to help everyone but myself and also none of those people actually helped me. "Charity begins at home". Your lovely nature is illuminated right now and you should pat yourself on the back for being so beautiful at the same time care for yourself and let go. He will need to lead himself to water and make himself drink.... it's his responsibility.

Thankyou again for posting, you've been here many years and you are appreciated.

TonyWK

PsychedelicFur · ‎05-02-2023

I am so worried that I will never ever get into another proper relationship ever again. I am worried that I will never get to experience what 'healthy love' is truly like. I am worried that I am unlovable and I will never find anyone else ever again. BIG WORRIES. I am prioritizing my studies at University now BUT I am worried that later on I WILL NEVER find anyone ever again...

PsychedelicFur · ‎05-02-2023

Sad thoughts have started to run through my brain after breaking up with him. I fear that I will never find another person who has so much in common with me. I am so scared I will never find someone else ever again.

I am worried. I am sad. I am overwhelmed. I haven't been single for a year AND I feel so scared and sad. I feel like I am so unlovable. I feel so sad. 😞

I wish things were different with him. I still care and love him. That's the most challenging part. I am very sad that I can't be with him anymore.

W_Crane · ‎06-02-2023

May be it helps to see it more from a 3rd perspective.

If a friend would tell you your story. What would you recommend?

Like I said before, I doubt that this is love. It is/was dependency. If someone loves you that person should not pressure you. He/she should accept your decision.

Love is one thing, sometimes you have to love someone from a distance.

Relationship is the difficult part...

Hope you feel better soon.