I still blame myself

wanted_a_simple_life · ‎20-04-2016

Its been almost 15 months now since my wife left me.

I look back now and I know I could have reacted better and been more supportive of her, but I still believe in old fashion values of when you are in marriage, you dont have guy friends as such especially when you catch up alone.

I have always tried to be a peace keeper, I left go of the small things she annoys me with, but she did not with me, she picked at me all the time. I provided really well for my family and have done a lot about the household too. She has been always a very confrontational person and speaks her mind before she thinks. This upset me a lot and sometimes I would react in a way I shouldnt have even though I never laid a hand on her. She physically abused me on several occasions.

There were several times in our marriage I discovered her texting them and once for sure it was inappropriate and when I asked her if they had been in contact, she denied it.

So before she left me, she started an emotional affair with a guy interstate and within 10 weeks of knowing him, which was less than 3 weeks a getting rid of me, she was engaged to him.

During the last month of our marriage and subsequent month after, we did marriage counselling and she spoke to our friends and even pastors of our church, but never admitted the truth even though it was starting to get plastered all over social media. She continued to lie about the whole thing and to this day has never been remorseful.

Most people have seen she has taken a different direction in life and has estranged anyone who has challenged her.

After breaking up with her fiance, she went about 7 weeks on her own before she has hooked up with another guy and been dating for about 7 months now.

I still look at what I could have done better, but I was absolutely pushed to my limit and gave up so much of myself for my family, Im so lost......

Her family uses the "hes unstable card" all the time after I react to situations that are totally unfair when the kids are used as pawns, but Ive held long term friendships and careers and have been succesful in business too, but If I mention that if she is after what she has done, they get offended....

Im over feeling this way and still cant move on in my own personal life.....

pipsy · ‎20-04-2016

Hi W.S.L. Lynda here. I understand how you must be feeling hearing the words 'he's unstable'. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it's never enough. Your wife is the one who needs help, but her family only sees what they want to. When it comes to dealing with in-laws, the in-law son or daughter is always blamed, even when the family knows deep down their off-spring is the one requiring help. It's always easier to shift blame than it is accepting it. I know how I felt after the way I was treated by my ex in-laws. There is nothing you can do, now or ever, to convince your in-laws their daughter has some serious problems with committing to relationships. I think what you're going to have to do is try to ignore the rubbish. Anyone who knows the real you, knows that what your ex's are saying is rubbish. I know it hurts, but allowing them to keep hurting you, by listening to what others are saying is stopping you from rebuilding your own life. I think the more you try to convince people about what your ex did wrong, the less successful you will be in your own right. Unfortunately, when we try to defend ourselves by pointing out where our partners made the mistakes, our partners are automatically the ones who get the pity and 'shoulders to cry on'. If someone says something about how well she is doing, I think I would tend to say, 'nicely'. I don't mean to offend you, but I really don't wish to discuss her at this time, and change the subject. Even if they attempt to tell you, that, for what you did you should be 'hung up'. Just say again - nicely, you're entitled to your opinions. Once people accept that the subject of your ex is not open for discussion, they will stop trying to say something. People can be extremely insensitive and in this instant, you have to try to just ignore. Do you have to have contact with these people, if you don't, I think I'd be inclined to steer well clear. As far as the kids go, if they try to put you 'down' as a person, show them, rather than tell them that you love them and you're going to try to be the best dad. Kids are often inclined to 'parrot' what they hear without really knowing what they're talking about.

Apollo_Black · ‎20-04-2016

Hi WSL. I remembered you from your original thread in March this year. I remembered because I am going through exactly the same thing as you did 15 months ago. I'm at the beginning though which is bad enough, and I'm sorry to hear how much you're struggling. I remember you because every time I read your original post my eyes well up with tears when you mention imagining the kids coming in to your bedroom in the morning to give you a hug. I can't imagine facing that in the near future. Then I read Tony's response and what he endured - also telling himself every morning that he's a good bloke and deserves a decent life. What a great thing to do.

I know I can't offer you much here WSL but my thoughts and prayers. There seems to be so many of us who go through a very similar experience. My wife has turned everything around on me. Everything is my fault according to her. She just wants me to leave. She's threatening to take my child away if I don't leave. She's threatening that she'll "push me under the bus" in court if she has to. All I ever wanted was a simple life. I gave everything to my family. Through thick and thin. After years of criticism, no intimacy, verbal abuse and even physical abuse I challenged her for change. She turned around and said get the hell out. No wonder so many men leave because they feel like they have no other option - so they leave and forfeit time with their kids. They get depressed. No wonder they kill themselves. You hear about all the domestic violence stats - but you don't hear about all the suicides. Usually separated men in their 40's.

My wife thinks it's reasonable that I only get to see my son 3 days a fortnight. Well I refuse to do anything until we have a legal agreement that's better than that - for a father who has had so much to do with his son's care over the last 4 years of his life. I'm going to fight for my son's best interests - and his best interests are seeing his dad more than a few days a fortnight.

Make sure you fight WSL for what is right - for your kids because it's the right thing to do. And do what Tony WK said - look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself you are a good man and deserve a good life. Never blame yourself for your ex's craziness, because she sounds WELL CRAZY trust me.

And most importantly, whatever happens - YOU WILL HANDLE IT.

wanted_a_simple_life · ‎22-04-2016

Thanks Lynda, you do make sense of this situation for me. I remember you saying in past posts my ex is trying to live the dream, but in reality only few can. She does come from a family that always has to look good, but have many issues bubbling below the surface. I feel sorry for her and the level of control her parents still have over her. Again, thanks for your insight into my situation.

wanted_a_simple_life · ‎22-04-2016

Apollo Black, Im so sorry you have to go through this.

It's a rollercoaster and all I can say is brace yourself and hold on. It does get easier, but I would rather think you get used to it.

Please surround yourself with good people. You will find friends will leave you and other friends will stand by you, dont take it personally when friends let you down, cause most of the time they dont know what to do.

One thing I still cant my head around is how nasty the other half can be, It's hard to understand how they can turn against you so much.

Stay strong AB.

blondguy · ‎22-04-2016

Hello Wantedasimplelife

Such a sad and mentally draining time that you are/have been going through. You are an intelligent and well articulated person that deserves kindness and TLC not toxicity.

I was bashed by my ex in the 90's and put in hospital after she threw a large glass vase and hit me on the head. It was ugly and the violence stats arent accurate in this area.

I admire your strength wanted

My Kind Thouughts to you

Paul

goblues · ‎22-04-2016

Sorry that you are going through such a hard time. So much in life is unjust, including how others treat us and the legal system. We can try to get the best out of ourselves but often we can't get the best out of others. Contributing to yourself, making sure that you take steps to realise your potential and happiness, is what you can do for you and your kids.

cheers, goblues

wanted_a_simple_life · ‎26-04-2016

Im so sorry to hear that Blondguy.

Back then in the 90's and even now male victims of DV are often overlooked as we should just take it.

I still battle with this big void in my life that my family took up every day. It needs to be filled with something but I still struggle to function somedays cause the grief of losing what I had is so much, you just dont know what to do.

I just never thought I would be going through this....

blondguy · ‎26-04-2016

Hey Wanted...Paul here...Thankyou for your very kind words...I really appreciate your thoughts

I too have that big void in my life and it still does effect me too. I am sorry that I am not much of a help to you right now. We both thought that we would never be going through this right now.....

We (I) are here for you if you need to vent. I am in the same place and waiting for time to pass right now

My Kind Thoughts to you

Paul