I rashly confronted the guy I’ve been dating and wanting space and he confessed about his depression. How do I handle this from today?

[Pinky20]

Hi all, I previously posted about dating this guy for 6 months then suddenly he wanted to be friends then needed space. He’s been rather confusing and contradicting with his feelings. He can’t seem to let me go and is leaving me in a dead-end. With all the replies I got from my last post, it’s been inferred that I may have triggered him about his past and that he has a fear of abandonment. He’s very negative of himself, thinks he’s not worthy enough to be loved.

The break has put an emotional toll on me because I miss him and hate not being able to talk to him. During the first week of no-contact, he spiralled out of control and relied on smoking, drugs and alcohol as his coping techniques. He admitted to losing his mind. I became very worried and would message him to see if he was ok. Over the days he would tell me he is not ready to talk to me yet. He needs more time.

Unfortunately I couldn’t control myself and confronted him and gave him an ultimatum because I can’t be sitting around waiting for him when he’s never given me a reason why he needs space. I told him that he has til the end of this week to be ready or at least tell me why he needs space or else I will cut all ties because is not fair for me to be left in the dark. As expected, he took it very harshly and became defensive saying he feels pressured everytime I message him when he said he needed space. Fair point. He went on to deny the relationship and said he didn’t need to give me a reason then said he can’t deal with me anymore. He wants to go our separate ways. So things got heated. I was more angry than upset so I told him the hard truth about himself and that was, “I don’t want to stick around waiting if the old (his name) I’ve known won’t come back because you haven’t been yourself. You’re a having a relapse”. The word ‘relapse’ was what got him to finally admit that he has issues.

So he admitted that he hasn’t been himself. He doesn’t want to talk to me because he doesn’t want to drag me down with him. He doesn’t like reaching out to people. He wants to isolate himself from everyone. My anger turned into guilt and sorrow. Earlier in the heat of the moment he said making him talk made him angry and he wanted to tell me to leave him alone and he “cbf anymore” but after he opened up about his depression, he begged me to just give him time and reassured me that he will chat to me when he is ready.

I feel bad for making him open up and I don’t know what will happen after this?

[Hang10]

Hi Pinky 20,

It seems your boyfriend is very insecure and I think afaird to get too emotional close to you and this is upsetting you as you don’t know where you really stand with him.

I can understand you wanting more of a commitment of a relationship with your boyfriend but your boyfriend is at this stage not on the same level of what you are after.

It seems very much that he struggling in normal life stuff and a relationship has maybe caused him to run away a bit to his own comfort world.

I think a bit of time of not contacting him may be a way to go. I think this will give him the space he wants and you see if he loves you or misses you by him beening the one that puts the effort in of talking and trying to build a relationship again.

Depression is tough, different levels and everyone handles things differently as well. I think he trying to find ways to best handle his mental health but at a level that not best for both of you to be happy.

I hope that you both find a common ground to progressing forward, as I think too much fighting and mis communication will put your relationship at risk. Maybe try to lower the commitment level from him a bit just to see if he can handle that I know it not maybe what you want in your relationship but it might help start a foundation to build together, little steps lead to big steps.

All the best.

Hang10

[Sophie_M]

Hi everyone, as this is a continuation of an earlier thread, we are locking this one.

Please continue your discussion in the original thread: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/dating-a-guy-...