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I need some clarity on my situation

Ewok
Community Member

I have been married for 23 years to my husband. We have no assets, no children through choice. We have done a lot of travelling. My husband was bought up with a mother with paranoid skitsophrenia (sp? ) and a father who wanted him aborted and who paid no attention to him at all. In fact my husband's birth was blamed for them losing their house, the mother getting worse and the father losing his well paid job. In short 10 years ago my husband stopped all contact with his family and does seem better off. He's done a lot of positive work on himself incl. men's festivals and group stuff with psychiatrists etc.

I also have issues to deal with myself which I actively do on a daily basis without using any medication. My attention seeking is much better and my self worth is on the up and up.

My problem is that my husband is always criticizing me under the guise of helping me. I have been the main bread winner when I work. He doesn't want to do menial work like his father but has never taken opportunities when they come up. I did offer to put him through uni. I worked for 2 years in 14/15 and told him to find out what he was good at with regards to his writing and/or public speaking both of which he has talent.

He talks sometimes about how I don't have big highs and lows. How that is normal. In my world it's not normal I have come from a family of people who supress things and heavily medicate themselves with addictions.

We are house sitting at the mo and money is now getting lowish. He is doing nothing towards work and uses me as an excuse ie what am I doing, in the past you have sabotaged us moving ahead (yes I agree I did). My sabotaging affects his ability to work. He doesn't drive so if he were to start a business I would need to be there to support him which I would do.

Little things are now causing us major problems. There is a Stephen Fry tape here on bi polar disorder and I am wondering if he has that. Look I'm not perfect as I said I have my own issues but it's getting too much to handle for me to be alone with this anymore. If you're going to advise me to take medication or see a doctor don't bother posting anything!! I am being open honest and vulnerable and the last thing I need is for someone to tell me I need to numb it.

6 Replies 6

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hello Ewok, I hope writing that out has provided you with some kind of relief. I am not sure what kind of advice you might be after... we often have family members come to these forums trying to diagnose their loved ones and I personally never think that is helpful. It sounds like there are some serious issues in your marriage that need to be worked through regardless of what mental illnesses may or may not be involved. It sounds like you feel that you are carrying the family financially and this is frustrating you. From what you have written, he also sounds quite stuck and perhaps you taking care of everything is enabling this to continue. What do you want to happen next?

Quiettall
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello

Are you and your hubby open to seeing someone together...a counsellor or someone you can talk to openly and honestly...someone from an agency like Relationships Australia?

When my wife and I hit a dead patch (hard to communicate, cold silences, avoiding each other etc), we often find doing something totally different breaks the mould and allows us the chance to enjoy a new experience together. It might be a drive in the country, a picnic or camping for a night. These simple activites can be a real ice breaker and allow you both to open up outside your normal context.

Good luck and keep posting

Peter

Ewok
Community Member

Hi Peter

Yep did that a few years ago with RA. We do things different all the time. It usually takes a few days of doing our own thing then we talk.

Just so frustrating!

Ewok
Community Member

Hi Jess

Yes just being able to write this down has helped a lot. Thanks for listening and writing what you did. xxx

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Ewok, what worries me is that it takes awhile before you both talk after doing what ever you both want to do, but how congenial is the conversation and I wonder how much it achieves or whether it is accomplishing anything.
Being married for a long time does tend to make us tell our spouse some things but not other matters so this can make the marriage a bit awkward or actually stale. Geoff.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Ewok,

may I ask why you feel you have sabotaged things in the past? Marriage/relationships are a 2 way st. Have you spoken to your hubby about him having a mental health assessment? He had a tough upbringing, there may be underling issues there. I don't think it's normal for him to not want to work or study until to then put you down for your efforts. Why does he feel he doesn't have to contribute? you're doing everything and it's not good enough? What does he do all day? Can he get his license or catch public transport to a job? He doesn't want to do something "menial" but hey, gotta start somewhere..

none of us are perfect but to sit back and do nothing, then critsize you doesn't seem right to me.

Cmf