I made a mistake and my guilt kills me
Hello to whoever is reading this,
I have always considered myself a very strong morale, loyal bubbly person. I come from a family of all women as every father/step father I’ve had has cheated on my mother and left. I suffer from severe anxiety so I react in ways that I almost can’t control. I’m an impulsive person and have retaliation tendencies
The last 3 years I have been in a relationship with someone extremely quiet and different to me. I have settled for a lot, however he has grown heaps and has never sworn at me, hurt me or anything like that. He cherishes the ground I walk on, is INCREDIBLY loyal to the point where no other woman is attractive (not that he will ever admit it) and I love him but I have always felt like there was a slight link missing between us. I have stronger friendships with other people.
Recently I hung out with a guy best mate and we kissed and did things (not sex). I didn’t see it coming and I wish it didn’t happen and now my guilt has engulfed me. I love my bf but for a while I just haven’t felt whole. He knows me better than anyone and he adores me and I just turn around and do dumb stuff like this because I am incapable of taking care of myself and my mental health
help me, I never imagined I’d be this person and I hate that I have become my worst nightmare. What do I do
Ok, well, you can't change the past. Throw that rock in the river and move on.
However, the future is controlled by you and if this act repeats then the lack of learning is going to be a big problem for you.
Prevention is better than cure. You'll need to plan events before they occur. "I'm sorry but I'm loyal to my partner". And so forth.
Sometimes mental health issues do have an impact on our decision but it isn't imo a predominant factor.
Also Google the following about guilt.
Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor
I'd like to join Tony WK in welcoming you here to the Forum, where people have had all sorts of experiences, and will help if they can.
Coming from a background of men who were dishonest and uncaring and abandoned your family makes a person wish for stability and honesty and real affection. You seem to have found such a person and that's good. However in the process you might have settled for someone who does not straight away fill every need you have.
It's easy under those circumstances to be caught by surprise when someone else seems to meet that need. From what you say the physical contact was pretty tame, however I'd imagine it leaves you with a couple of worries.
The first being that you - in your mind at least - were unreliable like the men in your younger days, and you can fall into the trap of thinking you are really like that.
Of course you are not, and the very fact it worries you highlights that - you are a decent person.
The other worry is that there is in fact something missing from your relationship - which may be true and if so should not be ignored.
Relationships are made and maintained by two people, so can I suggest you talk over the feeling of lack with your BF in a sensitive way, maybe with couples counseling, to see how the pair of you can work together so both of you feel your lives are more complete and are happy with each other.
Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 is a good resource.
From your description of your BF, and your own feelings, you have an awful lot of good foundations to build on and every relationship needs to get to a balance to last.
What do you think?