I’m verbally abusive and I can’t stop

[Becca]

In 2020 my husband left me for another woman. I was 3 weeks postpartum with our 3rd child.

6months ago he came back and we decided to try again. I made him aware that there needed to be changes and he promised me the world.

little did I know that I was just being sucked back into a world of pain. Nothing has changed, his cold, unaffectionate, we are still no more a priority in his life than we were before. 

I’ve tried talking, yelling, crying and now I’m just so so angry that most of our communication is me being verbally horrible. Mostly through text because his never really around. 

I hate the person I’ve become. I’m so nasty and so so hurtful with my words. I call him all sorts of names and put him down pretty much daily.

why am I doing this. He tells me he can’t talk to me or progress to give me what I need because all I do is abuse him and he can’t handle it so he switches of.

please be kind, there is no one harder on me than I am myself.

i just can’t stop resentment towards him. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sometimes we hold onto things for reasons that aren't justified. It is admirable that you have taken him back, many wouldn't and his pledge to change and make effort might have been on of two things- said for the kids sakes so he has his full time fatherhood back because separation is painful (even every second weekend visits is separation, been there myself) of he truly was genuine in his attempt. But personalities dictate the eventual return of the "mood" between you both. 

His absenteeism is a problem IMO given his track record on affairs.

"Hating the person I have become" well, it isnt you, your verbal abuse is reaction to a very stressful situation and sorry to say this but it isnt working, the marriage has run its course and proven to be irreparable. Sometimes you can have all the good intent in the world but given your personalities and more so his treatment of you, we become different people. My view is to seek an environment that will allow yourself to return to the calm happy person you truly are.

When he indicates that "I cant handle it so I switch off" as a reaction to you, he is turning the tables away from his behaviour onto you. That is a classic tactic to place the guilt and the blame onto someone other than himself. It appears to me that he cannot take all the blame that is levelled at him that he deserves. Some spouses then go off and have affairs and when they are caught out they say things like "it's your abuse of me that made me do it" or "you weren't interested in sex" and so forth but commonly, and we read it in this forum, those people dont seek counselling or suggest that to their spouse so their finger pointing isnt justified. It is a mild form of "gaslighting".

With all the effort you have put in you would be far better off planning a better life and try to keep the respect for him as a father of the kids- separate eg keep the communication lines open and be as friendly as possible.

While there is personal responsibility for you to carry over your own actions/words, by kind to yourself and try accepting there is greener pastures where you are not pushed to the limit where you become - not you.

We only have one life and torment in a home where unhappiness abounds if not the way to live it...

TonyWK 

[Fiatlux]

Hi Becca,

I want you to know that I am reading you, hearing you and feeling you.

36 years of marriage to a serial cheater and downright disgusting person has me reeling. We are still together but not reconciled at all.

My superhero tried leaving me with 3 small children as well except that he stayed for financial reasons only.

You have every right to feel the way you do. You are still in the first stages of infidelity trauma.

Give yourself some time. Just reading your post makes me exhausted.

I am here for you and I will share more of my experiences with you too.

Take care of yourself and your babies first and foremost. Peace to you, sweetheart. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[white knight]

How kind Fiatlux

TonyWK 

[quirkywords]

Becca

tony and Fiatlux have given you helpful advice.

I can relate to turning into a negative person. For me it is in response to a controlling person who tells to stop shouting and being negative and blames me foe his cursing and calling me names.

we are listening to you and are ready to support you. 

[therising]

Hi Becca

Emotional challenges can be so hard to make sense of at times, especially major emotional challenges. Then there are mixed emotions, which really don't help matters. A recipe of mixed emotions leading to torment can be comprised of

• a dash of hope or optimism
• a stack of unresolved resentment
• an ounce of pure rage
• a dollop of self questioning or self doubt
• a splash of longing and
• loads of disappointment

and then it becomes about all the little triggers that stir the pot. I feel for you so much as you face so many mixed emotions.

The triggers aren't always obvious but they can add up. When 'I want to talk about how upset I am' is met with 'I don't want to talk about it', that's a trigger. When 'You're being irrational' or 'oversensitive' is something we come to hear, it's a trigger. When you're left alone again to manage the kids, it can be a trigger. The list goes on and it can add up to being a long list. Long lists can lead to fights. With fights, whether we're fighting for the opportunity to feel heard, the chance to express pain, the need to tackle challenges that have to be faced or something else, while one person may be fighting for those things, the other may be fighting against them.

I think situations and/or people can seemingly bring out the worst in us. You can be left thinking 'Who the heck have I become? What's happened to my old upbeat happy self?'. I think it can involve certain facets of us coming to life under certain circumstances. For example, while we may occasionally meet with our intolerant facet, which may push us to share our opinion or lead us to vent what we struggle to tolerate, when that part of us is coming to life more often than not or even on a daily basis, it says something. The questions become 'Exactly what am I trying to tolerate?' and 'Should I be trying to tolerate it?'. In other words 'Do we deserve better than a barely tolerable life or relationship?'. I smile when I say the intolerant cow in me can be one of my best friends. While trying to wake me up at times, she can kinda sound a little like 'Oh my god, seriously?! You gonna cycle through this sh** again? You going to put up with this from that person for the umpteenth time? How much self respect do you have woman?! I think we've reached zero point. Get it together and stand up for yourself!'. The intolerant part of me can be rather chatty at times. Pushy too. 😁