I'm the one with depression but need advise to support my husband

Goofy41 · ‎29-01-2016

This isn't easy. I have had depression for about 10 years now and have managed it ok on and off over the years. My husband of 6 years has been amazing at supporting me and trying to keep me happy. He has been amazingly generous with his time and his ability to do things to treat me and surprise me what has kept me going. However over the past 4 months or so he has started to get really angry when he is not able to help me. We had a huge arguement recently over the fact that he didn't think I was grateful for what he was trying to do. I don't want to go into detail about the actual events but I think he snapped. He is so angry now that he hasn't spoken to me for 2 days and I am so scared that he has reached his limit in being with me. His anger is palpable at the moment and he just doesn't want to talk. My question to this forum is how do I go about supporting him now? I am so scared that I may have left it too late. It is only through this recent argument that I have been able to see how the self-centredness that dominates my depression may come across as being ungrateful. But this is so far from the truth as I am so thankful for everything that he has done. He is an amazing man, but the one thing I think would help us both is if he was able to talk about 'his stuff'. This is not something he has never had to do and my attempts at trying to get him to see my point of view have made things worse. My anxiety around thinking that he is going to leave is pushing me to keep on at him to try and talk, when the logical part of my brain is saying just give him time. I want to do this, but I'm not sure how to get from here to there and give him the time that he so obviously needs to calm down.

citizen1911 · ‎31-01-2016

Dear Goofy41,

Sorry to learn about this unfortunate situation. I have suffered from depression for many years but am finally seeing the light of day -> will come to this point later. In the course of my depression, I reached out to some friends, one I had known for over 25 years. She had been married over 12 years when I reached out to her.

In the time we know each other I never thought she was the empathetic type - she was surprisingly understanding of my depression and through our conversation I learnt that her husband suffered from depression for a good 9 years of their marriage. In those 9 years, he was employed on and off, mostly off. The burden of supporting the family AND his mental health rested mostly on her. She confessed to me she felt it was humiliating and embarrassing thus she had never told anyone about it and coped with all that stress alone, and for many years she just wanted to leave. Fortunately she never became depress herself; while she learnt that she cannot force her husband to recover, when he lapsed into a depression again recently she was pretty traumatised. She is still powering on today.

My friend's thoughts and behaviour will surely differ from your husband, but in the end her frustration stem from the dilemma between staying on and withstanding the pain for the man she still love or leave/ distant herself because she needs to now take care of herself. Your husband's act of isolation maybe in attempt for self-preservation, but if he had cared for you this long eventually he will come round to the fact that he loves you and will soldier on. That said, I'm not a fortune teller 🙂 I'm guessing if you tell him you understand his conflicts of interests and would like to help see him through, he might just appreciate it as my friend did after she confided in me.

Back to my depression -> managing your husband's issue aside you still need to take care of yourself - after all, all this will be resolved once your depression is 'over'. Personally, I had seen different psychologists/psychiatrist before. Tried medication. Finally, I found a psycho therapist that managed to reach the root cause of my issues and is coaching me to live a new life with a new mind. My mind had never felt stronger. Bottom line is, keeping trying different methods - if one fails, try something else. Have faith that you will one day find something that works.

All the best!~

buddhababy · ‎31-01-2016

Hi.I have just joined the online forum and yours was the 1st post that I saw.I have been suffering from depression for about 15 yrs now with the past 5 yrs being the worst.My situation is scarily similar to yours.I have been with my partner for nearly 5 yrs and without him I would not be here today. He has been so supportive and loving helping me through my darkest days.Just in the past couple of weeks though he hasn't been himself.Keeping his distance and very quiet.Then he dropped the bombshell that he can no longer continue our relationship due to my depression.He said he cant help me if I don't want to help myself.Devastated is an understatement.When I read your post I just burst into tears.I don't know if its because I see that im not the only one to go through this or if it just reminds me of what I have lost.I don't have the answer for you but I sincerely hope that it works out in a positive way.For me the realization of how my depression and my inability to show my now ex partner how much I truly love him it is too late.All I can do know is to seek further treatment to be able to function like the old me and maybe one day try to reconnect with him.I wish you all the best.

blondguy · ‎01-02-2016

Good Morning '41

Sorry you are feeling lost in your head...especially with your hubby taking time out to process his thoughts.

When I mentioned that you actually the the space I was only thinking of your welfare...not your husbands..he doesnt have depression..

Depending on the individual depression can be made less unpleasant by

* Having some space to heal and having someone that can be a gentle supporter without the anger

* It is important however that the person you are with gives your space you need whilst you are recovering

* Your husband is stuck on this one.....If you can drag him (if possible of course) to your GP so your doc can help your hubby understand what you are going through...and assist him in how he can support you

* Right now you may be having difficulty with concentration and coping day to day. How is your sleep?

* For you to support your hubby right now......The quickest way to strengthen the foundations of your relationship during this difficult period is a third person....GP...Social worker...Friend....

* Just my humble opinion '41....You need the support....First! You are very kind by trying so hard to care for your bubby...that is true Love. I do hope he can help you help himself by going with you as a couple for assistance

I didnt mean to make you cry '41......and thankyou for your response.

Be Gentle to Yourself '41

Paul