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I’m only attracted to someone with a severe personality disorder, anyone else similar?

Community Member

-He’s married but left his wife and son for faraway job – says he just felt like it, for $/selfishness/ freedom , and his family cried for him to stay and he ignored. In the meantime, he told me, he asked his old GF to move w him instead, then went back on it. Says His wife briefly thew him out & his ex tried to commit suicide bc of him.
-Initially led me to believe he’s getting divorced, but then went back on it for his son’s sake/ so he doesn’t need to give away $. Freaked out over 1 pic of us I posted and said he wouldnt be allowed to see his kid.
-at all points he’d tell me he’d never want to, or even could be, in another relationship bc there’d always be expectations he couldn’t meet and he will never be able to fully be w anyone
-he would say passionate things in text but always in person was cold and detached/ like always left right after sex, if I ever put an affectionate hand on me he’d remove it
-Says he’s a sociopath and feels nothing. After telling me we would only ever be friends tried to make me feel badly for seeing other men and then I asked him about one girl liking all his social media. He said a bunch of elaborate stuff about how he wanted her and they were close in the past, then said he made it up to get me to move on, then she defriended / blocked him. Then suddenly he’s going to a party w her and bringing his son allegedly buT at very same time sexting me and making plans to meet up with me again for sex
-When I talked to his wife first she accused me of making up the account w screenshots, then said ok whatever he’s playing you too; let me know when you make it publicly official

very concerned about why I love this person and would do anything to make it work.

5 Replies 5

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Financialad429, Thankyou for your post and welcome,

This seems very complicated but its good to be weary about what people tell you, sometimes they tell you what you want to hear and it is not always the truth
He seems to be emotionally unavailable
also concerning that he admitted to being dishonest so what else has he been dishonest about?
In my opinion there seems to be many concerning things or red flags about him... if someone wants you in there life it is usually obvious to you, if you have to question it then maybe they don't feel the same way about you.
He seems very unsure and hot and cold and does not seem like a genuine person

Why do you love him so much and would do anything? Well this happens often and it has to do with chemicals in the brain....we get a rush because its like a game we love to chase people who we are not sure like us because it floods our bodies with addictive and exhilarating dopamine.

I hope this helps it seems very complex, i hope you are okay and if you want to talk to a Beyond Blue counsellor, we’re on 1300 22 4636.

Learn to Fly
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Financialad429,

Happy Helper88 has given you some great answers. They really sum up the whole process. You might feel hurt, cheated, used and yet once he calls or texts you, you might find yourself dropping everything and everyone and running to meet him. Briefly, without any strings attached, yet still so attractive to you.

You sound so intelligent and honest with yourself and I think you realise what you can or cannot get from this relationship. I just hate seeing beautiful people like yourself getting hurt.

Look after yourself there.

This person is unstable, cold, seems to be overtaken at times by this sudden desire to have sex then essentially kicks me out then seems to feel guilty since he’s still married, and/or wants to avoid the attachment to another person sex creates (he has told me both these things directly at various times). And I STILL WANT HIM. what disorder does this indicate in me and what can I possibly do??

Hi Financialad429

Thank you for your response. I wouldn’t go as far as naming your desire to be with this guy as a disorder. However, maybe one day you would like to sit down and think about your past relationships. See if there is anything in common, any particular pattern repeating itself? Of course it never hurts to seek a counselling session but maybe you prefer to start with thinking about it by yourself? If you are not up for a booked visit, you can always call or have a chat online with one of our amazing Counsellors at Beyond Blue.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Financialad429,

I have been reading about the four types of attachment styles that people get depending on their childhood. Some people have a secure/healthy attachment, but a lot of people have either an anxious preoccupied attachment style or an anxious avoidant style. Interestingly those two attachment styles attract each other and trigger each other negatively, with the avoidant pulling away and triggering the preoccupied, who wants to cling more. The fact is that from your heading you know this person is bad for you, has treated his past partners shockingly and exhibits a lot of red flags, and basically told you as much himself. But yet you continue to pursue him and perhaps even want him more, defying all rational logic. And so it suggests that you are instead being triggered. Perhaps a loved one was unpredictable or distant in your childhood, thereby setting up this pattern? I’m not sure but I have found reading about the various attachment styles quite enlightening