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I'm new to the BB Forum and looking to share my experience with in-laws

ASmileADay_
Community Member

Hey Everyone,

I want to start saying hello and thank you in advance. As much as you are here to support, im here to do just the same. I'll keep my story short as possible. I have been with my partner for 3 years. After 8 months together we moved into his parents which was where my problems began. I was in and out of contract/temp jobs which was stressful plus the additional pressure to always be around his family. Plus the gossiping and b*tching that went was doing my head in. The control that was there was unreal. It wasn't until we broke up earlier this year that I had realised how far the control went. Despite our own problems that we never sorted properly, and couldn't because of family interference, his parents were telling him to break up with me as "all they could see" was us fighting and being unhappy/miserable and so they got their wish. We were not in a good place, but we weren't like that when we lived in our own place. I did my best to be fair to everyone plus myself, and it is very difficult to become a part of another family when you had such a different way of life and upbringing. But does that give anyone a right to tell someone to leave a person? On top of that I was being talked about behind my back which to this day I am so paranoid about. After two months of not being with my SO, I re-connected with him and we have had the necessary discussions and are doing this again. Though this isn't what I want to justify or talk about...as we both know what his family is like (he is very disappointed in them too, and in himself for being so blind). My problem now is not just the fact that nothing will be the same, but it's this paranoia I live with. Feeling like they are in his ear, that I will be criticised for EVERYTHING I do. I don't care as much as I did some months ago as I have found a couple of people who are apart of the family who see my SO's parents for what they are which really helps as further support. Perhaps I'm venting and not asking for an answer, but I just want to feel normal again. Im getting there slowly. But the experience traumatised me so much. I was angry with my SO, but I hated his parents for how they expected me to explain my actions, leaving me to defend myself. It was all too much, plus the gossiping and really nasty talk about others. It's just not for me...but I do hope that one day I wont have to second guess myself.

thanks everyone for hearing me out...I'd detail so much more but cant!

D

21 Replies 21

Hello Croix!

Thank you for your response. Truly a lot happened and I can't believe what a whirlwind it was. The bruises are still there most definitely, despite the fact that I feel I am in a better state overall, my mind always makes connections with daily occurrences or words that I hear. There always seems to be a reminder or a link to the unpleasant and toxic relationship I was in. The worst part was dealing with unnecessary confusion. I'm so glad to be out of that relationship.

I hope one day I am able to find someone who sees the world and human value the same way I do. It would nice to be appreciated for what I do, I do things cause I care about people who I am close to. I guess not everyone reads the same messages from those actions though.

I have surrounded myself with my friends and family a lot and if I ever need to verbalise anything that troubles me I call upon them and get it all off my chest. I am seeking out new friends (which is considerably difficult I feel as I get closer to 30...so many people already have their 'cliques').

You hit the nail on the head there. No amount of talking would have ever changed anything, and I accept that more everyday. It was such an intense relationship on many different levels, almost like a movie with the drama and intrigue. It was just way too much, and that isn't including the other influences.

Thank you for your support, even though I disappeared for a while. The whole ordeal was extremely emotionally traumatic and I've not felt so lost about myself and what to do in my life. Verbal abuse, manipulation, gas lighting, lies and dishonesty. It worsened towards the end, which was the worst part. I just can't comprehend anyones reasoning to be so cruel to another human with words.

I wish I didn't have to learn so much the hard way...it's not ideal. The experience I have gained though I imagine will guide me in the right direction for the next person who comes my way but may also be a saving grace to my own children one day (should that ever happen). If I can give them any lessons or advice, I would be just in delivery about what is and isn't acceptable in relationships. Everything happens for a reason 🙂

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear ASmileADay!~

You are very welcome to whatever we can provide here, as for the gaps, things do not happen overnight. It has been a horrible time for you and I'm very glad you now have the perspective to see things as they really were -an immature and selfish person harming others. Also that you do have support in your life, it makes such a difference.

I guess we can only judge people by our own standards, and if one is giving and considerate one assumes others are too. Sadly as you have fond that is not always the case and some people go though their lives thinking only of themselves and hurting others in the process.

While I'm sorry there are so many things that act as reminders I'm sure when you do find a like-minded person your thoughts will no longer return, except possibly viewed as a more remote time with less hurt, just maybe a bit of regret.

You mentioned early on "As an adult I know I should be able to answer my own questions", well I don't know how anyone can really do that until they have had experience to draw on. I'm sure you will not only find this unhappy episode makes things easier in future to see signs and to know where you are, but as you say, if you have kids you might be able to save them some heartache too.

Croix