...I'm In Love...
I am in love.
They - the apparent experts on this thing - say that people with autistic brains, like me, can't love like others with neurotypical brains.
Its just the way it is...the autistic brain is 'untreatable' - in that...the brain we're born with, is the brain we're gonna have 'til we pass on.
Neuroplasticity is the best remedy for this, and with all my PhD studies...I am learning more and more about that!
I am in love.
I want to be with him, so bad.
I ran away from him...thats why I am really here in OZ.
I didnt know how to process these feelings 12yrs ago, and so I left NZ and came here, to start again.
But for the last 12years, I havent been able to stop thinking about him.
He is the most beautiful man that I have ever met.
Thankfully he is gay as well, so its not like Ive fallen for a 'straight guy' that I could never be with!
But truthfully, every relationship that I have been in, even the best ones, still pale in comparison to the dream of being with this man.
I get scared.
I cry, as in... shudder and breakdown.
One of the limiting beliefs that I am working through is...
I AM UNLOVABLE.
And, I tend to do things to myself, that fully endorse this belief...
I can be incredibly antagonistic - Its apathy at its best... a partner of mine was killed a few years back, and now I can be a bit of a Grinch!
I dont suffer fools gladly, and I speak my mind.
My Grandfather taught me to fear no man, my Grandmother taught me to love without conditions.
So, I am a lover and a fighter.
But, am I lovable?
And, before people reply to that with - YES, of course youre lovable, we are all lovable etc etc etc...
Its this limiting-belief, and others that I am actually wanting to discuss - so please before you reply with comments, please read this post...I am not looking for sympathy or the-like....
...HOW HAVE YOU GROWN AND MOVED ON FROM ANY LIMITING BELIEFS THAT YOU HAVE LIVED/LIVE WITH?...
I am looking for practical-application tips, and ways to cope with and grow from these beliefs that hold us back from what we really want in life.
I've done mindfulness for years.
...so many different types of therapy...it aint funny...and nothing has actually worked for the longterm, obviously, otherwise...I wouldnt be asking
I love him.
And, for me...thats a biggie.
I am IN LOVE with someone...so take that experts!
When he sees me next...he is gonna want me too...
Congratulations on being in love. What a wonderful feeling and how much joy you are experiencing. When your prospective partner arrives I hope it will confirm the love between you two. I look forward to hearing all about it.
Being in love, and revelling in this wonderful emotion tends to change us all. This new-found joy seeps into the soul and mind and I believe it changes our attitudes and interactions in life. I take it the the arrival of this man means he is also wanting to rekindle the relationship? What a reunion.
Am I lovable? A question that has been asked so many, many times by many, many people. I don't have a definitive answer, or at any rate an answer that fits everyone. I know you don't want to read platitudes, you want to know how others feel/cope/see themselves. And sometimes the best we can do is to discover that the most we can manage is to believe we are not unlovable.
So back to basics. You are an intelligent man. I wanted to scream when I was told I am an intelligent woman. It implied I was not really trying or ignoring some obvious basics. Intelligence and lovability do not necessarily go hand in hand. The other implication is the intelligent person can work out for themselves whether or not they are lovable. As if the head knowledge can inform the heart feelings. It's all to do with self-esteem and confidence. At the risk of incurring your wrath I will say we are all lovable. Some people can recognise it, others simply assume it, while those who lack confidence shy away and hide from being loved.
I too wrestle with this question. When something goes wrong in my life, as is happening at the moment, I am convinced I am the most unlovable person in the world. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but you get my drift. In many ways I think it is about the nature of love, and why we love. And I have no answers there.
When you find something attractive about another person it can be the start of a love. I have to tell myself that others enjoy my company, my conversation and thoughts, what I do etc. It's not necessarily about looks. I would lose out on that without a problem. So think about why others enjoy being with you and what you enjoy about others.
I definitely agree with you about neuroplasticity. CBT etc involves changing your brain. And in the end is why psychotherapy works. We are changing our thinking and making new pathways in the brain. So make an effort to believe you are lovable and you will be.
I just realised what it has been that I have been 'seeking'...
1) People assume that because I am an intelligent man, that I have it all sorted. I dont...how could I possibly. But, I often have people come to me and tell me their problems...ask for my advice...but never ask, if I am okay. Not because they dont care about me but they think that I am always on to it, and in many ways I am but I still need encouragement too. Just a little goes a long way.
2) I was never, ever encouraged at home. Ever. My Mum, was a single mum, angry a lot of the time. Though her anger may have been justified...she had it tough growing up. As a kid...you need your parents to say - hey, well done, or I know you can do it! That never happened - which is probably true for many of us!. Love always came with conditions. So, when people compliment me...I have found it so challenging to accept because I think - what is their agenda? My trust is shot to pieces.
I am learning to be my own parent now.
And soon...oneday, I am gonna be a dad too!
Your few words of encouragement were all I was needing because to tell the truth, I already knew what you were talking about...it was nothing new...but its tough for me to get things started sometimes, especially stuff that is so emotionally loaded.
But, your well-worded and well-times post...is all the encouragement that I need.
It really is that simple.
"In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently" --- Tony Robbins