I love my husband Im not in love with him, what do I do?
I don't think that there is a simple answer to your problem. Your husband is probably just as confused, scared and conflicted as you are. The only difference is that men handle conflict and problems differently than women; it's that Mars and Venus thing.
Have you thought about marriage counselling. If he feels the way you do, it might be worth a try. The other option is to see your GP and ask for a "Mental Health Care Plan". This will give you access to a psychologist subsidised by medicare - that may be a good starting point.
I hope everything turns out for the best.
Your husband must be exhausted with all his responsibilities.
He sounds like a man who is trying very hard to be a real man, not shirking his responsibilities, providing for you all. Giving you a financially stable life.
You already know that with less burdens he can be a great companion and enjoy simple freedoms with you.
Hope you can get some help.
He sounds like a keeper to me.
Your frustration and disappointment comes across so clearly through your words.
Bit of a blunt question but does your husband want to keep the farm or sell it? Does he want to keep it out of habit and a sense of commitment? If his identity is largely 'Farmer', I imagine it may be difficult for him to identify himself any other way. This is definitely tough for you. I'm sure you'd much rather he identify himself as 'loving interested husband'. By the way, sounds like he would be pretty stressed and exhausted much of the time (no way to live). Could you downgrade or should I say upgrade to a smaller farm? By upgrading, I mean upgrade the quality of life, to include a sense of balance (work, rest and play).
By the way, I truly believe love is found in evolution. To seek ways to evolve within our self is to love and raise our self. To seek ways to mutually evolve in supportive ways within a relationship is what it means to love and raise each other. It makes sense that the trip was filled with love and excitement. You were adventuring (adding ventures)/evolving together. The greatest challenge about returning home from such an adventure involves re-turning (turning again) to sameness. I had this revelation myself on my last holiday and vowed never to re-turn to certain aspects of the person I was before I went away.
As kids, we naturally turned to adventure, excitement and so on. So, I believe the question becomes 'How do we re-turn to this natural sense of self in life in general when we're older?' If life is only about responsibility and hard work, there is little opportunity for us to turn again to what it means to feel connected to our natural self.
This will be an overwhelming challenge for your husband to face - the challenge to find balance. I believe he has much to lose if he doesn't. He faces the possible loss of good physical and mental health with a serious imbalance between work and relaxation and he faces possibly losing his marriage. Of course, these would be further stressors, which doesn't help matters. Sounds like it's time for him to make a call. Choices may include downsizing or employing help (to free up some of his time). It would be kind of like a semi-retirement period. Of course, all this is easier said than done. It's a massive consideration, re-organising the life he's always known.
It can be torturous dealing with someone else's imbalance, based on their perspective and priorities. I truly feel for you.
When I read through your post I was reminded of an article that I had read a few months back. That article might be of relevance to you and your marriage. Unfortunately, I no longer have the link, so I will try and give you the synopsis.
According to the article, 70% of divorces are initiated by the woman whom generally find themselves worse off after the divorce.
The article then looks into why this is might be happening. One of the reasons proffered was that men and women enter a marriage with different expectations. Men in general enter a marriage with low or no expectations; women on the other hand generally enter a marriage with higher expectations - "and they all lived happily ever after". Unfortunately, life gets in the way and the fairytale ending does not eventuate.
I'm not saying that this article applies to you, but I can see that your expectations are not being meet. Life seems to be getting in the way.
Don't give up; don't conflate a fairytale with your marital issues.
All the best
Your post is different to many others we read here, you and your husband both sound like hard working, solid loving parents. The external pressures of life in general have gotten on top of you and your struggling to find a way through. I know dairy farming is 24/7 and I fully sympathise your plight but I also understand your husband’s commitment to the farm.
Can I ask a couple of questions? I wasn’t interested in becoming part of the farm. Are you able to expand on that for us?
Did your husband inherit the farm (has it been in the family for a few generations) ?
Is there a Men’s Shed or similar that your husband could engage? Also, is it possible that your husband could seek solo counselling? In my experience many farmers are stoic introverts with a strong sense of responsibility to their family and farm. They work alone and don’t necessarily read widely and are often unaware of mental health and emotional relationships, especially in understanding the female perspective. It’s not necessarily their fault, but rather their upbringing. Talking with another counsellor who maybe is male and roughly his age may help him see things more clearly.
I know you’ve tried marriage counselling but I wonder if her needs personal insight coaching.
I agree with other responders that your husband seems like a decent man and it is sad that you are both unhappy when I sense in the long term you two could enjoy a fulfilling marriage.
Despite your current unhappiness, I sense this marriage is worth fighting for, it’s a question of finding the balance between your husband’s desire to work the farm (huge commitment) and your need to achieve a stable home life with more adult contact and attentive husband. I’m sure your husband doesn’t want to lose you.