I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?

38years · ‎01-09-2020

Never EVER thought this would happen. We were the golden couple. Everyone has always remarked on our perfect marriage of 38 years! Our kids have put our relationship on a pedestal. We have the perfect family dynamic! He was my best friend, my soul mate. Childhood sweethearts...And then BAM! All this exploded two weeks ago when i found out he had been having a 9 month relationship with a co-worker. Needless to say, he broke down, he is distraught, ashamed, a broken man who has begged for forgiveness and....has threatened self harm. I have been on auto-pilot for the past two weeks, in survival mode making sure that he is ok - booked him into hospital (to ensure that he wouldnt go through with the self harm), have sent him to an air bnb to go and recoup, making sure that he checks in every two hours to tell me he is fine - all because i LOVE him dearly and could not imagine how devestating it would be for our family if he did do something to himself! As for me, I am empty. Empty of everything, especially emotions, which is the worst thing of all. I think i have spent so much focussing on seeing he is ok, that i have forgotten about myself. Bottom line, i dont know what to do. Quite honestly, I am petrified to start over at my age (early 50's), cant imagine being single (hell i was blissfully happy two weeks ago!) and unfortunately if things couldnt get any worse, I became a victim of Covid, having been retrenched a week ago! So...no jobs, no prospects for me to even have a choice in moving on. To make matters worse, the OW still works in the same department as he does, and although he says that he will move into a different section, away from her, to minimize contact, and swears blindly that it is over between the two of them, the fact of the matter is that she is still there. I have asked him to resign, but he says that he cannot, because he needs to be able to provide fo the family and it being Covid, he will never be able to get a job elsewhere, earning what he does.... So what do i do? Rational side says, we need the money, so he needs to stay in the job even with the OW being there. The emotional side of me says NO way! I am in a catch 22 either way! Please help...........

geoff · ‎04-09-2020

Good Morning, the four points you have made are good and remember if anyone of these gets out of control or goes beyond how you actually feel, take a breather to go and do something else you always love to do, try not to build on the negative side, because once this happens then you're back to square one.

It may not be his fault, entirely, but caught up in something that went too far and he was unable to stop.

I'm not justifying what happened but supporting you.

Take care.

Geoff.

Kenapela · ‎04-09-2020

I have been in a similar situation at your age. And I think that was what I was looking for initially, was a similar situation, because it was the loneliest place I had ever been in. The shame and humiliation keep me from speaking to anyone for 2 weeks. Finally sharing my pain and educating myself to weave my way through it,, to find a place of peace, now 5 years later. I am changed, we both are. While the situation feels hopeless, broken and beyond repair, your an emotional wreak, spinning with every emotion humanly possible, desperately trying to find some sense of normal. My first suggestion is to comfort yourself. This is very traumatic. An under estimated event of personal torment until you actually have to go through it. I took walks in the sunshine. Started looking into myself to find the things I actually enjoyed doing. You can't turn off love like a tap. And that's the confusing part you love him yet he has hurt you immensely, why don't I hate him? and you will at certain times, back and forth, back and forth. This merry- go- round of emotions can drive you stir crazy. You start blaming yourself. Asking questions of yourself and feeling like your not enough. Your self esteem is shot to pieces. You feel like you have been stabbed in the back. All your sense of reality up ended. I get it big time! Your doing everything to keep what you had and ward off any threat. Breathe.....you can't ever stop him cheating again. Where there's a will there's a way. I tormented myself for 12 months checking every phone call on the bill. Wondering if he was going where he was actually going. He assured me continually until I have finally believed him and gained a better percentage of trust. Your marriage won't be the same, but it can be better. I seen a counselor early on, but it wasn't for me. I just cried and she listened. I was after immediate help and relief from the pain and that wasn't happening.

My way out was to read all about infidelity. Get a better understanding of why it happens. I read a lot about healing yourself and I did meditation for the first time in my life to help me sleep. It has to be about you now. Your marriage has been peeled open. You have never been more individual than you are now. Take your time. Please have hope that either way you will be ok. Putting back the pieces even will come. Its a journey.

38years · ‎04-09-2020

@kenapela - wonderful words to read. Thank you for this. You're absoloutely right...i feel totally alone and dont have anyone to talk to besides a therapist which i am not too sure is working. I am a private person and cannot bring myself to tell my closest friends because of this pedastal that everyone has put our marriage on! It's also a pretty closeknit community so this unfortunately will not stay with the ones i tell. I love them to bits but not to spill my gutwrenching emotions to - hence the reason i love the anonomousity of this forum. no one to judge, or pass comment, just people who know what i am going through. Oh my word...its so lonely....its fathers day on sunday, we would have normally spent this with our kids, but now they are planning something without me (and although i was invited, cannot play happy family at the moment). Likewise its my daughters birthday in two weeks and so different celebrations once again. If i ask my girlfriends to get together with them (without my husband), they'll know there is something going on as the two of us have done absolutely everything together!!! So yes, i am wallowing in self pity for the moment 😞

Croix · ‎18-09-2020

Dear 38years

I read elswhere you have a new dilemma, your husband's accommodation is coming to an end and you do not know how things will be if you allowed him to live in the same place as you -though in different bedrooms.

In addition you wish he would change jobs, thus putting the other person involved out of his working day if there that was to be a stepping stone to reconciliation.

I guess the first thing the occurs to me is that you made him go to hospital to prevent self harm.

The second is that finances are limited

The third that depending on where you live getting another job may be unlikely right now.

(That's just an assumption of course.)

Whatever you do will hurt, and having him the house will be most awkward, it may also conjure up old feelings in you simply because he is around.

I'm not going to repeat anything Kenapela said as I agree with all of it.

If you simply separate you will be left not only alone in a strange world, but also as well feel the of betrayal plus a sense you had in some way failed or been inadequate. Not that good a starting point for an new life.

If he comes back I'd imagine if he was genuine your own feelings might prompt you to rejoin together. I'm not sure it could ever be the same, some things broken stay broken. It might however be acceptable. Obviously it could lead to more heartbreak and grief.

Talk of getting rid of the OW in some way, and your concern over his threatened self harm, together with your admission you love him lead me to think you might want to try to have him back. This is not something I"m recommending for or against, simply my impression of what you want to try. I may well be wrong.

If you do try, then decent couples counseling together I think would be a must. In many places Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 do have competent councilors.

Croix

It could lead to more heartbreak and grief.

38years · ‎21-09-2020

Thanks so much for your wise words Croix. You are right. Ending things will lead me into a strange and lonely world - one that i do not want to navigate on my own..i had always imagined that we would be together until the end, and honestly i am not ready to face that challenge on my own 😞

38years · ‎21-09-2020

Its been 5 weeks and its so hard adjusting to this new life without my significant other. He was supposed to move back in this coming weekend, but I am just not ready. We have been meeting every 4-5 days to spend a couple of hours together talking about 'us' - and although there is a lot of heartache and he pretty much cries most of the time, its a meaningful time together. Lately however he has been coming more and more to the house to do 'admin' type stuff (which in some instances he is the only one that can do it). This puts me in a situation, because whilst he is here, i feel awkward and uncomfortable. But he tries to respect my space by keeping himself shut up in the study away from me. So we land up avoiding one another which makes it even more uncomfortable. I feel that is he moves back in, I need to be sure that I want to move forward with the relationship and not have this big elephant sitting in the room! However at this moment in time when I look at him, I am absolutely empty of any emotions and feelings. In fact, our 38 years of memories are fading away, I no longer look at him the way i did and all i see is a sad and frightened man in front of me. This lack of feeling scares me more than anything else! If I felt anger, i could move on. If i felt love i could move forward, but i feel nothing, which makes me feel like i am stuck in a void with my life on halt. Help me please! is this normal??? I dont want to feel this way

quirkywords · ‎21-09-2020

38 years,

I have been following your posts and thank for sharing your thoughts .I have found when something happens suddenly it takes time to stop being in a state of shock. I know of a man who after 40 years of a great marriage found a note his wife left him telling him she loved another and wanted a divorce. He felt like you that he felt nothing , felt stuck. He had planned getting older with his wife . He had to move out of the home .It took him a while to cope with the sudden change. That stuck feeling is different for every one.

This is time to care for yourself and practice self compassion.