Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.


Community Member

I've become a new person with the medication and counselling, but leading up to this day I have hurt the one I love the most!! She feels that I didn't care about her or the things that mattered to her, but I did. But showing it was another story.

My wife was amazing and I had done very well to marry her. The thing that hurts the most is the "its over" talk came just as I was going through the changes of the meds and feeling good. I was more mentally balanced to deal with the situation but also felt that I had more to give. We were still living under the same roof but in different rooms, we had become housemates. I don't want to blame the depression but I can NEVER remember feeling the way I do now and it feels great. We have so much in common and time spent together is mutually enjoyable. The black dog has led to the depletion of our communication so things from both parties have either been "bottled up" or "looked over". 

My heart has been put through a mincer and I can't even think about being with anyone else. I still love my wife.

I am a very "black or white" person to her "grey", and I said if its over that I want no contact with her ever, which she doesnt understand. It may be silly to some but and to her but she is the wife that I lost! She really is amazing. I kind of knew signs of depression were there years ago but drowned it with bombay saphire and casual relationships. There is a family history with depression but I thought I was mentally tougher than the "average" person. My perceived "toughness" actually made things worse as it put me in a state of denial. I like what I am seeing in myself at the moment. I can understand why my wife wants to walk away but everything ive said to her has been genuine and not just lip service.

I am a man and I have needs that havent been met for months but I have not strayed and have remained loyal. The lack of affection that I received made me feel like I would never be intimate with another woman in the short term. Writing this has beem theraputic and I hope the future will be brighter. I went into this marriage with dreams of a happy family, kids, house, dog and a vege patch. I think I would be a great father one day and lokk forward to that day.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I love to hear of similar stories and ordeals.  L

7 Replies 7

Community Member

If you want a chance to win her back ask her out on a date. It may seem corny, but if you really think you've changed then start over with her, do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing again, get remarried, and show her how much you still love her

Community Member

Dear Levi,

You're killing yourself with remorse, regret and reprisals.

Your choice to drown things with "bombay saphire and casual relationships" is your partners reality if you were an item at the time.   Not straying this time around seems more honest and maybe "the future will be brighter".

I don't think putting pressure on yourself to be the best husband with a happy family, etc, is gonna work.  Why not just try to be the best man you can ?   The depression will probably always be there ON/OFF.   Why let your depression define the man you are ?  Even giving kudos to the idea that depression was responsible for losing your wife seems like you are elevating depression to an authority on your whole life. 

Depression is only part of your life.  A good partner can be all your life.

Adios, David.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Levi, this rings a bell with me.

Being in denial with depression and also in a marriage, is a dangerous situation, in that we know what's going on, but the spouse doesn't know why we have changed, and because we don't talk about it the relationship seems to drift apart.

Our sex life was non existent, and because of this it increases the loneliness and frustration and definitely makes us more aloof.

Personally I blame the depression for our breakup, however, she was having trouble at her work, which was always the case, as she normally left from one job to the next quite often, I could understand why in many circumstances.

I knew that my depression was beginning to bubble away, but she left one job and told me that she will put me on notice, because I was starting to drink more alcohol, and that I had to stop drinking or she will leave me (again).

This didn't help me with my depression it only made it worse.

I wanted to be still married and I never thought that a divorce would happen, but it did, I just wanted the security and whether or not this is related to my OCD, I don't know, but I know that other people also want this security.

You say 'remember feeling the way I do now and it feels great', and ' I like what I am seeing in myself at the moment ', well this is exactly how I felt once the house etc. were sold and I started to live by myself, and then my depression began to lift.

By saying this it may appear that I wanted to be alone and not married, well thinking about it, although I wanted the security, I would never marry again. Geoff.

Community Member

Hi Levi,

I come from a place where your wife used to dwell. Watching the most important man in your life, whom you would do absolutely anything for, sink deeper and deeper, is so incredibly painful. 'You' (experiencing depression) and 'her' (the loved ones) will hopefully never understand each other's experiences.

I am so happy you have your life back - I really, really am. And one day I hope it happens to my man if he can seek help.

From a selfish perspective, I feel I have been betrayed, let down, lied to, used, abused, hated, under-appreciated, and taken advantage of for years. If he loves me, why aren't I enough to make him happy? I have failed him, and I am exhausted.

But as you say, you are in a great place right now, and don't ever let that change. Your wife makes me sad, because that's what I know as well. She's not a bad person. Just exhausted. It's might be her turn to be cared of now.  

Good luck and congratulations for getting yourself back on track - you did it!

Community Member

Dear Levi

Congratulations on what you have been able to achieve, it sounds as though you are in control and proud to be the person you are.

Sadly my husband and father of my son is suffering severe depression.  I have found him a psychiatrist that he is visiting on a weekly basis.  He is working very hard at trying to get better.

He has cheated on me, which as you can imagine ripped my heart apart. 

I have stood by him however he wants to separate at the moment and can not confirm whether or not he wants to come back and I feel that this is something he may or may not ever work out. I am currently supporting him by working six days as he has no job.  I am his support person emotionally aswell, however this really is starting to take its toll as I too am exhausted and have given absolutely everything to him and there just does not seem to be much left to give. 

I am making sure our son is around all the time as this seems to be the only time he smiles.

I appreciate that what he is going through is extremely tough, I dont doubt that for a second, however I am hurt every day by him.  He can not see the hurt e is causing me everyday.  What can I do, as I am not sure I have much left to give.  His family are trying to be supportive and they are constantly in contact with me and are appreciative of what I am trying to do.

 I wish he could see what he is about to lose, I would have thought that te depression would be so much easier to face with someone that is willing to stand by you through good and bad, but he is pushing me away.

 Any suggestions?

Thank you for sharing your story Levi.


Thank you for posting your story. Sounds as though our situations are similar.  How do you manage to keep it all together for your husband?

I am trying so hard but he keeps pushing me away.  Sadly he cheated on me and now wants to separate whilst he works himself out.  I am having to go through these motions in the hope that he sorts himself out with the help of a psychiatrist and some very strong medication.

I too feel so hurt, betrayed, let down - all the same sorts of feelings you mention when I feel like he should appreciate me supporting him and willing to help him with anything he needs.  I appreciate what he is going through as I am with him every step of the way, but am hurt on a daily basis.  We have a beautiful son together which is the most important thing to him and he is a wonderful dad, but I am not sure how much more I can take.

I really do know that this is so hard for him to battle, but surely that doesnt make it ok for him to make me his punching bag (not literally).

 I would love any feedback.

 Many thanks for taking the time to read.

Community Member

The reason he is pushing you away may be because he knows how much he has hurt you, and continues to hurt you, and feels so ashamed by his behaviour, and his not being able to stop himself.

If this is the case, it would explain why you feel you are being tested. He may be confused that someone as wonderful as you would stick by him after what he has done. He may be convinced he doesn't deserve you, or anyone, or even life.

I've been through feelings like this more than once. Shame is a very powerful negative emotion, and has led me into paranoid delusions, major depression, and a host of other diagnoses. 

If you want him to recover, make absolutely certain he has nothing to be ashamed of. In order to do this, you need to believe it yourself. Forgiveness is a good and necessary step in that direction, but may not be enough. He may need for you to know that his moment of fidelity weakness is a part of the natural human condition, and that we all make mistakes. You can try to exemplify this by pointing out some of the big mistakes you've made during your time together.

Nobody's perfect.