I just don't know what to do with my partner anymore. It's like I don't know who he is.

BEV-ANON · ‎23-08-2018

IMy partner is in a psych facility and came out for the day. I thought we were having an awesome time, he was a bit strange, a bit snappy and rude, but I didn't react to it and just kept being loving and kind. Honestly, that day I never felt more in love with him. Later that night he said he didn't want to go back to hospital, but wanted to spend the night we me. I was over joyed ! Again - I was so in love. We've known each other over 10 years, were together in our 20's and got back together about 2 years ago. He's always struggled with mental health after a bad childhood, but the past few months have been something else. Like I said, everything was going well, but out of no where, he got angry. He said I wasn't hearing him, but I reinterated what he said, and later agreed that I did hear him. In between he decided that he couldn't be with me anymore 'for these reasons' ie not listening, but then, like I mentioned, later agreed that I did hear him. His mood is all over the place. He's been depressed for years and is FINALLY getting help, but now, it's as though he blaming me for everything and isn't taking any responsibility or looking at his own actions. We were supposed to have couples counselling the other day, but the hospital cancelled it. the more I think about his behaviour, the more I think he has bipolar or a more 'serious' diagnosis that isn't being treated. I know I'm not perfect, but I also know I couldn't have caused this. He was so painfully irrational, I just wanted to soothe him to tell him that none of it was true. I was still me. I still loved him. And I still do. I'm going to leave him because that's what he's asked for, but I guess, I just don't understand what went wrong. How can he go for being this loving being one minute to something entirely different the next? How can he blame me for this? I'm not even heartbroken at this point, I'm just so confused. I have told myself that I would give him whatever support he needs, which I understand for now is silience. But I am worried about him, and I just want him to get the help he deserves. He's being self destructive, he's pushed everyone out of his life including me. He's become super critical, judgmental and sensitive in the past few months - it's not who he is, so what's happened? I would just love to hear from others. I'm a smart person, loving and kind, I know I couldn't have done anything so horrible, but I was told by someone close to him that I've 'done a lot of damage'. How?

BEV-ANON · ‎24-08-2018

Thanks for replying, Theborderline. I'm sitting here at work trying to fight back tears because I am just so sad and angry.

All of the above. He gets angry, he throws things (inner child), he screams, he is always looking out for things I've done wrong and then feels the need to tell me off and explain in detail what I've done wrong (punitive). A few weeks ago he threw my glasses in the garden and I couldn't actually see well enough to find them, so I just stood there crying and waited till he decided to come and help me. As I write that, I am so sad at what I've allowed myself to endure, and also sad because he is so far away from the person that I know he is. Like I said, it's the past few months where this behavior has become really extreme and next level, aggressive, violent and controlling.

As I write this, I can see his behavior has become abusive. And I am not ok with it. Nor to I believe his condition is an excuse, but I understand that it explains it.

So what do I do? He's in the facility now, and he's decided that as I've caused so much damage, he doesn't want to be with me. That hurts so much. Thing is, I can't deal with this situation anymore anyway. I need a break, a very long break.

I understand that he feels his behavior is justified and the way he feels is real, but surely he can see that something isn't right. I told him the other day, to focus on my behavior alone isn't enough. We can talk about what I've done wrong, but what about him? It's obvious he didn't like that, and until he can take responsibility, he'll not change and I just won't blindly endure that for the rest of my life. How can you?

Guest_7403 · ‎24-08-2018

No your right it's completely unacceptable for his behaviour to you and you don't have to take it from him.

I can understand it from both sides, and it's a double edged sword.

It looks like you know the answer, let him go and if you choose to take him back it's when he finally acknowledges his role in all this.

You aren't responsible for someone else's behaviour and thought process. Are there ways you can minimise his triggers with you? Probably....but it's not fair on you to walk on egg shells either and live like that

I guess it depends on what your willing to tolerate and go through for the end result, and whether he's even capable of it.

I'm assuming he has a psychologist? Or has seen one?

Google "schema therapy" it's what psychologists use to change thought processes on people like him that have long term history of using the same unhealthy coping techniques

It might also give you an insight into what he thinks and feels

And I'm assuming he's not a bad person, otherwise you wouldn't be here

Regards

BEV-ANON · ‎24-08-2018

He's seen people in the past, but never stuck with the treatment. He was diagnosed about 2 years ago.

thw thing is, this time, he's chosen to go into care. He's shut me out because he wants to focus on his own mental health. As hard as that might be for me, I'm really proud and beyond happy for him. All I've wanted is for him to put himself first. It's unfortunate it had to get to this point. But he's stubborn, and it's the first time in all the time I've known him that I've seen this level of commitment for him to get better.

I wish I could have been better for him, I wish I could have done something differently for it not to have got to this point. Apparently I've done real damage. I don't know if he believes that's true.

I don't want him to think I've abandoned him. But he's pushed me away and told me not to contact him. Part of me knows that's not what he wants at all. I guess that's what he think is best for now, and so do I.

It's tough being in this kind of position. I have a lot of faith that everything will work out for the best, whatever that may be.

BEV-ANON · ‎24-08-2018

P.s he's the best person I know, and the only person I have ever loved. If he was a terrible person I wouldn't have gone through any of this.

Guest_7403 · ‎25-08-2018

He'll say it as abandonment when he's in a bad frame of mind, and when he's more rational he won't.

Try and relax and let him reach out when he's ready

geoff · ‎28-08-2018

Hello BEV, you've had a great response from Theborderline and I also feel sorry for you.

You don't know what he told his family for not liking you and you weren't sure you could ever know when was the right time to 'step out the other day' so you can't blame yourself.

I'm sure you did everything you could for him, but this illness has control over him and I think you have made the right decision and it's impossible to know when it started so you weren't to know.

Bekind to yourself.

Geoff.

BEV-ANON · ‎30-08-2018

Thanks Geoff.

I still haven't heard from him and it's been almost 2 weeks. I am not doing very well. I am angry and hurt. I'm finding it difficult to concentrate at work, and can't eat. The reason why is that I am being completely shut out and ignored. I just read an article about how giving someone the silent treatment is the equivalent of physical abuse i.e it activates that same pain centers in the brain as physical abuse does.

Today, I am so tired. I have endured so much and I just need a break. I keep asking myself why I should wait for him to reach out to me, why shouldn't I just call him? Why should he get to play all the cards here? The thing about his family is that they don't even know the illness he has, they think he's just depressed. I have been a victim of his controlling behavior for too long. I understand he is sick, but how much weight do you give that?

geoff · ‎01-09-2018

Hi BEV,-ANON, I've read about Disassociation disorder and what it says is that it could make him feel disconnected from his thoughts, feelings, memories and who he actually is.

He may stop paying attention to what is happening around himself and by not contacting you could be because of this disorder, and I agree the 'silent treatment' is something my ex used to do and it was awful, however, this could once again be his illness.

I know how you must be feeling, so you could do 2 things, try and contact him and see how he responds back to you, or decide to move on as his illness will need ongoing care.

I hope I haven't upset you because that's certainly not what I would intend to do.

Best wishes.

Geoff.