I have suspicions that my partner is cheating due to my severe PTSD

[giddygoat]

Hi all, this is my first post and I’m feeling very emotional and vulnerable about it so please be patient while reading. I came from a very abusive relationship before my current partner, and I have a lot of trauma and PTSD related issues with trust and honesty. I have been cheated on in the past, and now I find myself thinking the same of my partner. For a bit of context, he has only ever treated me with the utmost respect and love and there is no violence or abuse present. HOWEVER a few months ago I discovered that he had a secret email that was under a fake name, and he was subscribed to several onlyfans accounts (including a mutual friend of ours) and he was signed up to a bunch of websites that seemed really shady in terms of what a partner would approve of. I confronted him, he apologised and deleted the accounts. I saw him delete a reddit account, but as it turns out he did not delete the main email that he was using to sign up to these things. I will mention at this point, that I only knew this because I looked at his phone; I know it’s an incredibly disloyal thing to do but at this point my paranoia is skyrocketing. I see that he has signed up for telegram, and has been signing in without a phone number so that I don’t find out. He gets the codes emailed to his fake name email and then logs out. I don’t know what his telegram ID is, and I know I can’t find it by phone number. I’ve heard some really gross things about telegram, such as it’s a perfect place to cheat, or that certain disgusting individuals can share content that’s not legal on the platform. 
At this point I don’t think he just made it to chat with his friends, he doesn’t use most social media, so why did he go through all the effort to make this account as untraceable as he could? I need any advice or support I can get right now, I can’t trust anyone and I feel like I’m just making this so much worse in my head.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry you are going through this, I would seek advice also.

In newish relationships we tend to automaticall set boundaries our partner should abide by. These boundaries are most times talked about to get a clear understanding of what would "rock the boat" when they are breached. Such trauma is best avoided and if not then every action of those breaches forms a scar that not only is damaging long term but suspicion rises as to if the action will repeat down the track. Trust is utmost unless there is an open relationship, even then you have boundaries.

So, any well planned relationship should ideally have a system whereby if you have any concerns you can grab a drink, leave the phones in another room, no distractions and sort it out.

In your case, when you sit him down you can open up to what your boundaries are, be calm and dont try to verbal in a teaching manner (guys dont like that) but in a way like "I'd like to express what my boundaries are and you can too after I've finished"... that sounds better. If he feels lectured he might walk away as thats a good defence when up to wrong doing.

Then with your short list of things (at the start of the list you can mention where he is also lacking like cleaning up etc) at the end you mention porn, cheating sites, hiding things from you. Then you let him talk. At the end of his talk you can go back to the cheating site topic and say "so, I mentioned cheating sites, I hope now you dont have any more of wont ever intend to join any as you know now that it would be a gamechanger for me". If he doesnt admit to having any you can then challenge him or alternatively wait a couple of days (to give him opportunity to leave the group/s and challenge him then by "our chat I informed you of my boundaries- have you breached them"? If he denies- "what about this one". Then remind him of the importance of your boundaries. He cant say that you have unfair boundaries because everyone is entitled to their own.

I hope this helps, having boundaries forms trust and opportunity for your partner to know your limits. He likely already knows your limits but discussing them and writing them down will set in stone what you are unwilling to negotiate on.

TonyWK

[giddygoat]

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate the advice. This isn’t actually a new relationship, we’ve been together for 4 years. We’ve had discussions about boundaries and my trauma several times, so this is not news to him or me. I feel stressed and tired because I’ve already confronted him about this issue at least twice throughout our relationship. It feels as if he changes his behaviour or like tries to do why he can for me for like two weeks, then reverts back to acting weird again.