I found my boyfriend is addicted to pornography in social media

[Yenny]

My partner is 34 years old and I am 23, we lived together a few months ago, our relationship has been perfect! We have 1 year together, We met by tinder, and from there we fell in love. I always knew that there were many messages from women on his snapchat and after a while I asked him because I also found pictures of girls, but he kept doing it. I had a lot of mistrust after that, so after a few months I checked his cell phone and found he harassed women asking for nude photos and he also sent nude photos, it was very disappointing for me and after that he apologized and we had a week reflecting on that and he said he would not do it again. Months later we went to live together and I thought that he was going to change until I found videos on his cell phone with unknown women, although I do not know if that was before we met or it was recent, I had them deleted and I told him to be careful with what he had on his cell phone and that he respect me. unfortunately just the day of our anniversary a few weeks ago I found again looking for girls unknown on Instagram, screenshots of their profiles where their snapchats appeared and then added them to talk to them and sexting and exchange all kinds of pornography among them . He has too many girls in his snapchat. After that I made him delete his snapchat so that we would not have any more problems in the relationship, this really is tiring me. The next day I was cleaning a bit in the spare room and I found another cell phone with lots of videos of teenagers talking to him and sending him all kinds of nude photos and videos , I even saw that they were recent because I got to see our New Apartment. This has me very disappointed, I do not know what to do about it, I went to the psychologist, this is affecting my mental and emotional health, I keep thinking about it all the time, I do not trust him, I cry often and I'm even afraid, I have come to feel alone because he is the only person I have here in Australia since I am from South America, and the truth is that we have many dreams and many goals to accomplish and do but this is really changing my way of seeing him. I do not want to leave it not only because I love him but because we are so committed to our house, our plans to me to stay in this country. He says he loves me and shows me with some actions, but behind my back he cheats me on his social networks. I pity too much. Help please, advices 😞

[smallwolf]

Yenny,

Hello and welcome to beyond blue.

It is sad to read what your partner is doing and the impact that it is having on you.

I hope/suspect these are things you are talking about with your psychologist, so I would not want to interfere in that process, and together you will find the answer to these matters and what you should do.

However, I wonder if you have been able to have a chat with your partner about the effect his actions are having on you? You say that you no longer trust him. You are now seeing a psychologist as well. Communication within a relationship is fundamental, and if you can have that conversation, that might help. (As opposed to telling him to stop. The end result would be the same, just the approach is different.) Perhaps find out the need for him to look at those pictures?

Also, what would say to a friend who presented you with this story?

Sorry, if this does not answer your questions, but I am listening to you. This is a safe space and you will be supported by the user community here.

Tim

[Yenny]

Hello Tim, thanks for your answer and your help. Yes, I ve talk to him many times before and the last time that happened (couple of weeks ago) I talked to him more seriously and I could tell him the consequences we will have if he continues doing it. He said has been behaving well the last two weeks and I have checked his phone and seems nothing suspicious there again but my mistrust makes me think he will do it again, maybe not now but yes I’m the future. He has made me this so many times that I don’t really trust on him. I have talked to my psicologist, she helped me a lot and although I’m more close with him now after the last time he did it, I’m still not feeling well at all. I keep looking his phone, I keep thinking about it at work, makes me scary about the future... Is hard.

I’ll try again with him but I’m not sure what would happen.

[Yenny]

I don’t really know why he does, I asked him some times and he answered is because he used to do it all the time when he was single and I said, there is not reason to do it now because you have partner and I deserve respect. He used to feel guilty and cries when we talk about it.

Is sad because our relationship is beautiful, I try to be the best with him, always caring, I pleased him in every sense, I used to be funny and active with him, I like cook for him, etc. So I don’t find a reason why.

Thanks for read 🙂

[smallwolf]

Yenny,

I believe in patterns... do something once. OK. Do same thing twice and a pattern is established. Do it again, and it the pattern is reinforced. So him stopping once and starting again, would establish a pattern of "needing" to view porn? In doing so, because of what his actions you feel betrayed? anger? I would probably have trust issues myself? If the other person does stop, there might be this lingering doubt of watching it again? These things become like (or are) an addiction. One could question whether this is on the same level as alcohol or drugs, but can still be an addiction and treated accordingly, and with compassion?

There are other threads on the forums with similar stories and ideas to deal with...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/husbands-porn-addiction

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/finally-accepting-my-husband-has-a-porn-addiction

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/my-husband's-pornography-addiction-is-destroying-me

If you do a google search on "porn addiction beyond blue" you find other stories, similar to yours and hopefully idea you might be able to use.

Tim