I feel torn between what is right and what feels right. Please help.

[Guest_50622148]

This is something I’ve carried quietly for years. Maybe I’m seeking clarity, or maybe I just want to feel understood. I feel lost—torn between what’s right and what feels right.

I got married in 2016 at 24, to a man I believed was 30. Later, I found out he was 32. A small lie, but it planted seeds of doubt. It was a love marriage, one I fought for against my family. I believed love would be enough.

He was caring—sometimes too much. Back then, I mistook his control for affection. Over time, I realized I was shrinking. But I never shared my struggles. I stayed silent, thinking I could fix it alone.

Two years later, I reconnected with a friend—let’s call him A—someone I’d known before marriage. It started innocently. But soon, every conversation with him made me feel alive again. Seen. Heard. We never crossed physical lines, but emotionally, something deep rooted itself between us.

A got married in 2019 and moved to Australia in 2022. I had my daughter in 2020 and later moved to the US. Despite distance, we stayed in touch. He became my emotional anchor, though we never defined it.

Now in 2025, I’m in Australia too. It’s been five months and we haven’t met, but the desire is strong. Still, life is messy. We both carry responsibilities and questions we can't answer.

My marriage has deteriorated. My husband gaslights, avoids accountability, and doesn’t engage emotionally. I’ve seen messages with another woman—he denies them. He struggles with anxiety but won’t seek real help. His family’s financial burden consumes him, and I feel invisible.

Meanwhile, I’m raising our daughter, holding everything together while feeling completely undone inside. I want to be strong for her. But this emotional storm is spilling into every part of my life.

Some days, I want to walk away. Other days, I feel paralyzed by fear. Is it love… or just habit and shared trauma? Is my bond with A real—or just escape?

I know I need help. I know I need to talk to someone. But right now, I just needed to let it out. Not for judgment. Just to feel human again.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Worriedme3,
 
Thank you for sharing here so openly and honestly. It is clear that this is something you have been carrying all by yourself for a long time now, and it can feel incredibly isolating. It is a hugely brave step to reach out here. Please know that this is a judgment-free space. 

How has it felt since sharing this? It can be both scary but also freeing, too, to finally put words to what you have been feeling for so long.

It sounds like you’ve been navigating a lot on your own. That’s a huge emotional load, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and unsure. If and when you feel ready, speaking with a mental health professional could be a good next step. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online here if you ever want to talk some more.

In the meantime, this space is here for you too. No judgment, just support and understanding.

Kind regards
Sophie M
 

[sbella02]

Hey, thank you so much for your vulnerability in sharing your experience with us, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this rough spot. 

I can empathise with your desire to be strong for your daughter, of course. That's very admirable. Just know that it is very much okay to have moments where you do not feel strong. There are also ways to regain that strength, like allowing yourself the space to cry in private when you're feeling like it, journalling to express your feelings, or engaging in some self-care activities to help yourself feel more rejuvenated and relaxed on the days that you feel most overwhelmed. 

That emotional connection that you're feeling with A could be indicative of your needs within your marriage being unmet. Having these feelings for someone is inherently harmless, but things become complicated if these feelings are acted on if you're already committed to another person. So, in answer to your question, those feelings or that bond may be very real, but they may also be a warning sign that your needs are unmet in your relationship. Through this lens, it makes sense that A makes you feel alive, seen, and heard, because this has likely become an avenue for that emotional engagement that you've talked about missing with your current partner.

It sounds like you may have already started to consider these questions, but thinking through these to yourself can help if you're looking for what to do next in this situation:

1. What do I ultimately want or expect from a partner in a marriage?
2. Am I getting this in my marriage currently?
3. Do I feel safe/respected/loved/taken care of? 
4. Is this somebody who makes me feel energised and alive?
5. Is this person a good role model for my daughter? Would I be happy for my daughter if she was to be in a similar relationship in the future?

In the meantime while you're deciding what this means in the context of your relationship with your partner, do you have any loved ones who you could confide in about how you're feeling? Sometimes it can help to have some insight and support from people close to you who know you and your story intimately. 

I hope these forums can give you some comfort, and just know that we're here to chat some more with you if you'd like.

Take care, SB