I feel guilty for feeling like I do

[Stardust11]

So……where to begin.

I know I have a comfortable life, a good guy husband, self sufficient sons, satisfying and enjoyable job, my own home and yet…from the words of Bono ……I feel like I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.  Is this it?  This is how I feel , some days I don’t but most I do.  This is the overall issue, I think?

Smaller things are becoming monumental.   At the moment I need some feedback and I have another thing I would like to unload.  I reached out to my bestie for a catch up.  I feel like I need to see her to tell her some things from my past because she needs to know.  Not because they involve her but because she is my bestie and I recently blurted  out one biggy to a few others around a campfire with wine and truth and dare cards……I knew I would regret it but said it anyway because I was in the moment.  Doesn’t feel right that they know and she doesn’t (more her friends than mine, she has known them longer and introduced me to them). Anyway why is this so important? Am I wanting to give her something more of me? She has met the love of her life a year ago at precisely the same time that her and I were really finding each other and enjoying each other.   We have known each other for nearly 30 years but I feel closer to her over the last 2 years.  Her man is a nice guy and I really like him and I can see their happiness and love.  She is deserving of the best life.  Am I afraid that we are distancing from each other? Am I trying to hold on to us?    For the record I would never have considered telling her my baggage any earlier than the last 2 years.  Interestingly I have thought of telling her from time to time but the moment was never right. Help! Stardust11

[Croix]

Dear Stardust11~

Welcome here to the Forum. I can see your dilemma but perhaps can look at from a slightly different direction.

You have something in your past, and in an unguarded moment told others, but still feel an urge to tell, perhaps making oyu feel your life not being all that you need. Your bestie seems like the one to tell, partly to feel close, and partly becuse your have told her friends but not her.

You have a bestie you have known for 30 years, who has now found a love. I'd expect, as I've found, when a close friend finds a partner then the relationship does tend to take a different course, and while the trust and affection is still there the opportunities are less, and the friend natually enough has other things in their life.

So it may seem you are further apart, however perhaps they are only now finding the  things you have with home, children, husband and job. It would be hard to begrudge them that, even if you saw less of them as a result.

Perhaps your feeling that life is not enough may stem from a need to tell another of your past (many people need to voice what has happened) , however that does not mean you have to look to your bestie. There are other alternatives, perhaps husband, perhaps a councilor, perhaps someone else, depending on the matter involved.

Can I suggest you do look to others and leave your understandably preoccupied bestie unless they raise the matter? I doubt a good friend of 30 years will take it ill you did not trouble them at this time.

What do you think?

Croix

[Stardust11]

Hi Croix

You are right and it seems even more obvious when I have read your message.

I think I feel guilty that they know and she doesn’t, I also think you are right about the feeling close aspect, hadnt thought of that, maybe thats another reason why I want to tell her.

Interestingly neither of us have raised the catch up again.  Time will tell if we get there or we don’t.  

She has had love, family and a good life, it has been tinged with tragedy and loss, like most, but she is in a great place now.  

I read a quote today about if you have to fight for time, contact and attention then that fight isn’t worth the fight.  Feel like her and other relationships are just falling through my fingers.

I appreciate your time and your words Croix.  Trying to lift my chin and concentrate on those old cliche’s - things will get better and are they really that bad anyway

[Croix]

Dear Stardust11~

Nice to hear from you again. I think there is a difference between things changing and relationships 'slipping though your fingers'. I'm sure if you are the sort of person who can keep a frendhip with someone for 30 years you are worth knowing.

So I'd suggest you do not have to fight at all, just let things flow. If you want a coffee  catch up (not to talk of anything deep, just pleasant) with your friend say so, the worst that will happen is you will find at the moment her life is too full. At least she will remember you care and value her company.

The other thing you mentioned, "is that all there is?" might requite a bit of thought. One view might be you are not looking deeply enough into what you already have, another might be you have an unfulfilled talent. These are just two views, what do you think?

Croix