I don’t want to be married anymore

[MeccaAddict]

Hello,

As the title says, I don’t want to be married anymore & I don’t know how to do this. 
On paper, life seems perfect. We both have great jobs, a lovely house, 2 amazing kids (3&7) and we are actually good friends. 

I feel absolutely no spark anymore. I had an affair last year and whilst I have ended it and have no feelings for the person anymore, I know in my heart that I no longer love my husband. He’s a good man however we have no chemistry. I don’t even think it’s an issue for him that there’s nothing there between us anymore. He’s just happy and content plodding along, focusing mainly on the kids and work, whereas I feel there’s got to be more than this.

We have been together 12 years and even looking back to when we met at 23, I feel he was a safe choice and there was not a lot of passion (albeit more than now, but certainly lacking compared to previous partners) between us but I overlooked it as he was just such a nice guy.

I’m 35 now and have grown up and know I want more but the thought of being the one of blow up my family kills me. I wish all day long he’d fall out of love/realise he doesn’t want to do this but I don’t think he will. The decision will fall on my shoulders.

I was out with my sister last week and even she said to me ‘your husband is such a great guy, you guys can never split up.’ And I know she means well, but the guilt that I don’t want him anymore kills me.

It also kills me that I’d blow up my kids lives (in particular the eldest child) who would be so sad being away from mum/dad with shared custody.

Do I just suck it up/sacrifice my happiness? I feel my mind is made up but I’m staying because I don’t know how to do this.

[therising]

Hi MeccaAddict

First, I just have to say I smiled when I read your name, as my daughter works at Mecca and, yes,  it can be addictive. Apologies if the cosmetic giant wasn't what you were referring to. 🙂

I can relate to a lot of what you say regarding the challenges you face in your marriage. I've found it can come down to 'I can't feel what's not there'. For example, if there's little to no adventure, little to no excitement, little to no infatuation or intense attraction or an exercising of the imagination etc, then what is there? Being a major feeler, I can feel comfort, familiarity, a sense of safety and a sense of grounding etc but there's no high. Whether we're looking at it from a chemical perspective (when it comes to actual chemistry within and between people) or a natural perspective, it can become about dopamine, oxytocin and inspiration (the things that get us excited and fill us with the feeling of love, while making our heart and soul sing).

While I've spoken to my husband of 22 years on numerous occasions about the need to bring out the best in ourselves and each other in the relationship, so as to reinvent the relationship, he's more a 'No, that's just not me. This is who I am' kind of guy. I know for a fact people can change if there's a need to change. The reason I know it and you would know it too is because our kids change us. The day they're born, they develop the outside the square thinker in us, the patient aspect of us, the planner, the carer and so on. They reform us over time. They can develop us into reaching our full potential, while bringing out the best in us in the process. So, there you go, people can change if the need or push is there. Unless there's good reason for the inability to change, to say 'I can't change, this is just me' is lazy in my opinion. Yes, I sound a bit tough.

Like your husband, my husband's a nice guy. So, there can be some mixed emotions there. Kinda like 'Am I being too tough or a bit thoughtless? He's a good person' (aka 'self doubt') mixed with 'I can feel myself slowly dying under circumstances that feel depressing to some degree' (aka 'a soul destroying kind of emptiness and sadness' mixed with occasional enthusiasm ('I know, I have a brilliant idea. What if we try doing this...'). The list of mixed emotions can be extensive. I've found what a lot of it comes down to involves the question 'Am I prepared to rise to the challenge of redeveloping the relationship?'. If both people in the relationship answer 'Yes' then that's good. If one answers 'No' then that's not so good. It means one person's prepared to work hard, whereas the other's prepared to relax into the same old comfortable ways of doing things. While my husband's said on numerous occasions 'I just want us to grow old together', my response is 'My god man, that's depressing. I'd much prefer for us to grow young together in new and exciting ways'. 

[Fiatlux]

Hi MeccaAddict,

therising has given you a lovely and light response so I am going to be brutally honest with you. Please don’t take offence but here goes.

I was married at 19 to a man who you may have found fun and exciting but he has a very dark and evil side. I am now 56 and we are still married and yes I stayed for the children and he although being a serial cheater and abusive in every way, simply refused to leave.
 

My husband didn’t give a flying f*** about me or our marriage. He wanted a slave. My husband read our marriage vows with absolutely no intention of abiding by them.

A week after we were married in 1987, I was desperately trying to get out of the marriage. I went so far as phoning Birth, Deaths and Marriage registry and asked if they could not process the marriage. He brutally assaulted me even before we were married and I was desperate to stop the wedding going ahead but my mother was adamant that I couldn’t humiliate her like that. I never told my father about the violence which included sexual assault.
 

I would give my right arm to have the lovely boring mild mannered boring man as husband and father to my children. 

We were 13 years into the marriage when my husband finally asked me for a divorce. The relief I felt was amazing. I felt like the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. I was already planning my peaceful life without. I had a job lined up to work during school hours, as my children were 5, 6 & 8. I was going to be just fine without him. But he refused to leave. Wanted to sell the house which was mortgaged to the hilt and give him money. I offered to pay out his half but he refused that offer. He seriously wanted to see me homeless or renting somehow. I also earned more than he. But that didn’t stop him from spending all my money too.

He had just returned from a month in Europe entertaining sex workers with my money and needed money to return to Europe and live the high life. Sounds wonderful. He was 40 and unemployed but he wanted me to support his life in Europe. 
 

Does my husband sound like the type of guy who would impress you? Sports cars, fancy restaurants and Euro holidays. But where’s the money coming from? 
 

He too got bored with life in Australia. Being a dad and going to work and coming home. He didn’t cook or clean, not even mowing the grass. He was at the gym working on his physique and trying to get the attention of the younger girls. 
 

I left that man in 2019 for all of the above reasons and my children were all in their 20’s and either left home or leaving. Why aren’t we divorced? Because the only thing worse than marrying a malignant narcissist is trying to divorce a malignant narcissist. At 56 he would love to see me homeless, so I refuse to move out of the big house that I worked and paid dearly for.

Take care and proceed with caution. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[MeccaAddict]

I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much hell with your marriage. It sounds like it’s been awful and so difficult. 

Thank you for your perspective x

[Fiatlux]

Hi MeccaAddict,

I have thought about you and your situation for a couple of days and I wanted to address your question about, “suck it up and sacrifice my happiness”

There are times in many marriages especially after children come along when everything seems monotonous and you want more.

Have you considered marriage counseling or even reading through relationship advice. This is something you should do together with your husband. Maybe you may reach the same conclusion at the end that you’re not supposed to be together anymore.

Going straight through to divorce is difficult. There must be a 12 month separation and speaking from experience, lawyers are obliged to ask if you are sure that the marriage is beyond reconciling. It’s a tough process for everyone concerned. 

Honestly, print out some reading material about what to do if your marriage goes stale and give it to your husband to read. Or simply write it down yourself. It could open up a conversation.

[across_the_universe]

Hi Mecca Addict,

6 years ago I was in a very similar situation. Married at a very young age, had 3 kids, husband was a nice guy BUT - I fell out of love. Simple as that. I found myself drawn to other people and although I didn't act on it, I knew that it was a big indicator for me that I simply didn't feel for my husband,what he felt for me. 

It was hard deciding to leave because of the kids. I felt a huge burden of guilt that I would be the one to destroy the image of a perfect family, but I eventually realised this:

If I didn't leave, I was going to be miserable forever. And my kids would see that. 

You are worth leaving this marriage. If you are not in love, if you don't feel authentic, if you feel that this is not who you should be - that is a perfectly legitimate reason to leave. 

Go for a walk / run / swim / knit / bake / chat or whatever it is that helps you think clearly and think it over. If it's what you truly want- you can do this. 100%.

[MeccaAddict]

Thank you, I wish I was as brave.

how did you navigate the kids etc through this? Do you mind if I ask how old your children were and what your custody arrangement was? Thank you 

[Fiatlux]

Hi MeccaAddict,

I don’t know how across_the_universe managed her divorce, but I have a friend who left her husband and 3 young children for a guy she met online. She upped and moved interstate.

She did admit that he (husband) was the better parent, so he had full custody and stayed in the family home. She wasn’t working at the time of the separation either.

Our children were close school friends as well so I saw a lot of him. He managed with the help of his extended family and friends. Eventually they were divorced and assets divided etc. He did remarry when the kids were in high school and is very happy his blended family.

She eventually returned to our state alone and did begin seeing her children again but it took her children a while to bond with her again. Her youngest was only 2 when she left.

Like I mentioned our children were close and close in age, so they did a lot of weekend sleep overs between our houses. I lost contact with her, but grew closer to him. 

The kids turned out alright but the eldest went through a rebellious period during high school and became a parent in his early twenties. I suppose everything worked out well for everyone in the end.

Separation is something that you will need to discuss with your husband as one of you will need to move out. That’s the practical side of things and that’s not going to be easy at first.

Good luck 🙏🏼 Fiatlux 

[across_the_universe]

I won't sugar coat it: it was hard for a while. The first year was difficult in getting used to new parenting arrangements and getting used to being just me at times.

The kids were 6, 9 and 12 and they had varying degrees of understanding of the situation; I tried to prioritise 1:1 time with each of them to discuss how they were feeling and making sure they knew we both loved them very much.

I'm extremely fortunate that my ex and I lived close to each other and very quickly settled on a 50/50 living arrangement; one week on, one week off. It was and still is a fair bit of to and fro but we agreed that the kids needed to have equal time with both parents.

My relationship with my ex was pretty rocky for the first year or so- he was still upset that I left and blamed me for lots of things. Despite this, we were able to prioritise the kids above our own feelings and decided that we don't need to be best buddies, but being pleasant and civil to each other is the best thing we can do for our kids. It's been about 6 years now and we are on friendly terms, and communicate regularly about the kids and their various goings on. We have both re-partnered (him after 3 months, me after 3 years). We actively included both step parents in birthday plans, Christmases etc and make it clear to the kids that although they are not 'parents', they are part of the wider family and deserve the same respect and kindness as everyone else.

In all, my advice is to try and put aside the usual break-up angst with your partner and focus on making decision based on what's best for the kids. If your (ex) partner is a good dad and decent human, this generally means trying to have equitable access. 

I hope you're doing okay with these big decisions. I can very clearly remember making myself sick with anxiety in the months before the separation, not being able to eat or sleep due to the stress and constantly second guessing myself. But I can honestly tell you that besides having my kids, its the best thing I ever did. Being able to acknowledge my own interests and needs was a shock after a decade of trying to be someone else! 

Hope this has been even a little bit helpful - I'm so glad you're reaching out.

[MeccaAddict]

Thank you so much for your response and I’m so glad to hear how happy and thriving you are. Gives me hope. 
I feel it’s going to be a bit of a rip the band off situation… once it happens and the dust has settled, I know I will be okay.. it’s just getting there.

Really appreciate your input.