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I don't know what to do.

H3lpl3ssinqld
Community Member

Over a year ago I found out my partner of 13 years and father of my 2 beautiful children had an affair with a work colleague. During the discovery stage there was a lot of anger and pain, which I am still trying to deal with. After a week of me finding out, he reconnected with her while I thought he was attending counselling sessions with me to fix the problems we have. After again, finding out about the reconnection, he lost his job unfairly and proceeded with an unfair dismissal case against the employer, while I was by his side and fought his case with him, he again reconnected with her. He then refused to attend counselling sessions, however after 6 months of counselling sessions by myself, I found the doctor to be contradicting a lot of his statements, and felt he wasn't the best person for myself either. I continued on my path alone, we never really discussed the issues because I either got more lies, or nothing. I guess we have just been getting along to make each day bearable. I did try to get him to help with other strategies like online videos, books about affairs and reconciliation, etc. Nothing that he wanted to be a part of. Now, 19 months later, I feel no better than the day I found out. On top of that I have lost my job, and I work in an industry that have gone through major government reforms, so I am competing against 1000 other redundant candidates for jobs I apply for, which there are not many of either (I am in the Private Training Organisation industry). My experience compared to others is very little only 1 year as a trainer. I am lucky to even get a reply for not successful for 1 job out of 80 that I apply for. We have been having a lot of problems lately I am at the point that there is no point repairing our relationship if I don't do things his way. So I am to talk about what I am going through - and when I do, he will point out the way I was before the affair started. He won't address the issues of the affair. This morning I received a phone call from our real estate - the owner wants an appraisal on the property, but the real estate is not sure what the owner is doing yet. The last thing I need now is to have to move house when I can barely afford the food on the table for my kids. I sit on my bed most days just crying and have no motivation to do anything. I don't know what to do. I cant afford to see a professional either, and where I live on the mental health care plan I need $150 for an appointment.

3 Replies 3

pipsy
Community Member

Hi H31pl3ssinqld. Do you mind if I just refer to you as 'H' in future posts? Your partner (if I should refer to him in that context) isn't exactly acting like your partner. More like you're a passing fad. I think and (this is going to hurt), I'd be inclined to tell him to 'shape up or ship out'. You need him like a migraine. He's an habitual cheater, liar. He isn't going to change, even if he promised to, I wouldn't believe him. Is he a good father, if he is your children needn't be fatherless. You may believe you love him, he certainly doesn't love you, he's too busy loving himself. People who habitually deceive their partners are ultimately deceiving themselves into believing they're desirable to everyone who crosses their path. To blame you for his affairs is so untrue. He cheated, then shifted blame so you would feel guilty - and it's worked - to date. Tell him to go, you can manage, probably better. I would also see your Dr and ask for short term AD's to help transition you, so you can relax. If you do need to move, as a single mum, I think c'link would help you budget or perhaps get you on a part pension so money wouldn't be too much a problem. Also your partner has to contribute to your children's upbringing. You sound a very warm, loving person. He sounds unbelievable. I believe you, I just can't believe how much he's manipulated you into believing his bullshit. Not your fault, he saw you coming.

Lynda.

Lost_Girl
Community Member

Dear H3lpl3ss,

Anyone would feel down with what you are going through. Losing your job and the challenges of getting a new one is a huge life change in itself without adding in the issues with your partner.

Unfortunately, we can't make people do things, they have to want to. This means that you can't make hubby get counseling and try to change anymore than you could make him have an affair to start with. You are not to blame. No matter what was happening before he cheated, he could have chosen to talk to you and work things through. He, and only he, chose to give up on your marriage by having an affair.

Lynda has some good advice above. Your GP is someone you can talk to about how you are feeling and get some initial help. Can you ask you GP if there are any cheaper options for psych assistance? Do you have any family or close friends to help support you through this?

I imagine this is all overwhelming right now. Your needs are important right now and your kids. I suggest it's time you start telling him how it's going to be. I would be doing some research on options through c'link, options on counselling etc, then tell him what you expect or give him ultimatums.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear H, I really hope that you are still checking on replies for your post, as Lynda and Carol have given you some sound advice, but at the moment there is a lot going on for you, with plenty of decisions to decide on.
There is no doubt that you are sufferingg from depression and rightly so, if I'm aloud to say that, but I hope you know what I mean.
The big two issues here are about the house you are living in and then your partner, and both seem to be about the same amount of pressure you are under.
As much as the depression is enormous I would think that the house residence is the first priority here, because your partner doesn't seem to care about you, so I will just put him to one side at the moment if that's OK., but keeping in mind what he is doing, but your support for him is amazing.
The landlord may want to sell the house or increase the rent, at the moment you don't know, but go to Anglicare who help people in trouble, they were my godsend, so please contact them.
If you are on benefits then centrelink can provide the bond money plus you can get rent assistance from them, and they would also be worth contacting, and let's assume that you just want you and the children to live together without your partner, who now comes into the equation.
This chap is only after one thing and all your efforts will mean nothing to him unless he can take advantage in some way.
I wonder whether he is telling you lies about his dismissal, because he has lied about everything else, and this relationship will never be satisfactory as he will finding someone else to court, sorry. Geoff. x