I don't know what is happening... I feel like my feelings are being invalidated

[Bee1998]

So, I live in Victoria, and the lockdown ended on Friday, and for some reason this made me feel really depressed. I got this intense feeling of sorrow and loneliness, and that I was being left behind. I expressed this to my partner, and despite me expressing how shitty I've been feeling, I'm not getting much of a response from him. I have noticed a pattern. Every time I've been really down, or had something bad in my life happen, he almost ghosts me. He becomes distant, blunt with his responses, avoids seeing me, doesn't show any compassion, empathy or love towards me. It leaves me feeling the worst I've ever felt in my life. I just don't understand why he doesn't care? He always tells me that he wants to be by himself whenever I need him in times like this. Instead of sending a quick and simple message such as, "I hope you're okay, I'm here for you." Or "I will see you soon." I just get nothing.... and he always blames me for feeling the way I feel, and says that I'm bringing him down and effecting him. I'm just so tired of people not caring 😞

[HappyHelper88]

Hello Bee1998

thanks for your post and welcome

I’m so sorry your feeling this way and I’m sorry his response was not adequate

it sounds like he may not be emotionally available at the moment. Have u spoken to him about this? It sounds like he is not validating your feelings and this is important in a relationship

If he’s your partner he would care about you but he seems avoidant and not showing it i Think you need to speak with him about this to see his response

this sounds like a really tough situation

if you don’t get much clarity from speaking to him maybe you should speak to someone about this

there is always support here on the forum and if you need you can speak with a beyond blue counseller anytime Please Reach out if you need

[Juliet_84]

Hi Bee1998,

Unfortunately not everyone has your heart, and there may be a few reasons why your boyfriend is acting this way. He may not have much empathy, perhaps he was taught as a child to deal with things himself or get over it and that it’s a sign of weakness? Or he may be an avoidant type and the intimacy associated with his partner needing reassurance scares him and he withdraws? It’s hard to know but the fact remains that he’s unlikely to develop this in adulthood if it’s not already there. This may be something that you learn to accept, that he just may not be there in the way that you would like during these times? You may have someone else fulfill this role for you? Or it may just be something that you decide you can’t live with. How long have you two been together - has he always been this way?

[Bee1998]

Hi HappyHelper88,

yes, I have brought this up with him many times, and seem to get nowhere.
He gets very defensive and doesn’t take anything I say into account, and seems to make everything about him instead, even though I’m the one who is upset at the time.
He tells me, he doesn’t like how when we are apart, we can’t get along… but I have tried talking to him about this, and given him ideas of how he could contribute to making it more positive on my behalf, then in turn I would be more positive towards him. But he just doesn’t seem to try or care.

[Bee1998]

Hi Juliet_84,

I have been with my partner for almost 2 years now, and yes, he has always been this way. I wish I had someone else to help me through hard times, but unfortunately I don’t have a whole lot of friends (one to be exact) and he has a lot of problems of his own and is very hard to catch up with. Also, I feel as though your partner is the one you’re supposed to go to during hard times, and is the one who is supposed to be emotionally available. It’s just a tricky situation in all honesty.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Bee1998,

I completely understand your desire to have an emotionally supportive partner. I have a medical condition and when I am having a bad time of things there is nothing I want more than to have a partner hug me and tell me it will be ok. It’s funny but all I need is that reassurance for five minutes and then I’m good to go, but if I don’t get it I just know that I will spiral into despair. And so it’s something that I personally consider to be a non-negotiable. I was just wondering if you maybe had someone else in your life who may fill that role as partners can’t always be all things to us, and if the relationship was good otherwise then maybe there are ways around it? However, I suppose you need to consider whether you can tolerate having a partner who abandons you during the worst times of your life or when you need support the most? Part of the problem also seems to be his unwillingness to talk about this issue with you and dismiss your feelings? Would he consider couples counseling? It might help you get to the bottom of what goes through his mind

[Guest_1643]

Hi bee1998,

I think it's okayto go to ppl outside Ur partner, and get support from them on some issues that Ur partner isn't so good at helping with...

But I think Ur partner has to be kind, availible and caring,otherwise, what's the point? I wander if maybe u deserve better....

[geoff]

Hello Bee, as the relationship begins to age it's not the same as when you're in 'cloud-9', conversations change and instead of wanting to talk with each other, much is avoided, completely different than before, however, another reason is that they may not be capable of answering because they aren't strong enough as they could be struggling with themselves and don't have the strength to want to talk about your problems.

If this is the situation then they find it so hard to say they 'love you', even though, deep down this may be the case, but hiding it within themselves and don't necessarily want to talk about it.

Trust is important in any relationship and this includes honesty and being able to open up and discuss any particular situation, and if this doesn't happen, then decisions need to be made to make your life more comfortable.

Geoff.