I broke up with him, but it doesn't make it any easier

sarahanne11 · ‎31-08-2015

I just broke up with my partner of almost 4 years. Our relationship has been up and down since day one. I am the kind of person who puts a lot of effort and love into a relationship, and he was mostly closed off. He rarely said nice things to me, complimented me (not just looks wise, on things like a promotion at work). He was unreliable and let me down a lot. He also engaged in emotional affairs with other people, and lied about a lot of things. He never wanted to be intimate. Yet every single time he broke up with me, a few days or weeks later he would beg for forgiveness. I struggled to understand why he did this, but after almost four years of this cycle I decided enough was enough. I felt worthless in the relationship, so I finally had the courage to end it. It has been so tough these first few days. I worry I won't find someone. I worry that I will always feel this way. I worry that it was my fault he treated me that way and there must be something wrong with me. I worry I am making a mistake. I guess I just want to know if it gets better. Is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel? Just because I found the courage to end the relationship, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Sawyer · ‎31-08-2015

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the Forums. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds like you have a had a tough run over the last 4 years of your relationship, and perhaps neither of you were happy in that situation for quite a while.

First of all, it is natural to feel how you are feeling. Ending a long term relationship can seem like such a massive change over night, it is natural to be afraid of meeting new people and being alone after such a long time not having to worry about these things. The short answer to your question is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you will meet new people, develop new relationships and move forward, as long as you are open to letting new people into your life.

Your ex partner is likely dealing with issues of his own, but these do not reflect on you personally as being "not good enough" or "having something wrong with you". Its easy to blame ourselves when a relationship ends, its a simple answer as to why it ended, but in reality when it comes to relationships its so much more complicated than that. I wont begin to pretend I know the details of your 4 year relationship, but from what you have said it seems at least part of you is glad that you have gotten out of that situation. That doesn't mean it's easy, or that you shouldn't be upset, grieving over loss is a natural process by which we can acknowledge things in our lives as being important in our past, before we are able to put them behind us and move on.

It will be a gradual process, but as long as you know what you want, it will get a little bit easier each day. One day you may look back and wonder how exactly it was that you got from this point now, to where you will be in the future.

If you are really struggling with this break up, and feelings of self-worth, blame etc over the coming days, that is something we can talk about more, and I would be more than happy to help in any way I can. Either by helping you to understand these negative thought patterns, or on a few relatively easy ways to start dealing with them.

Hope this finds you happy and well, but if not, we are all here to help.

Sawyer

geoff · ‎01-09-2015

dear Sarah, hi and thanks for giving the chance to talk with you.

Can I say is that you have made the right choice here, why, because in relationship especially a newish one, we expect that love is shared around, we both do lovie dovie things just to please and excite our partner, it's all part of the relationship, and don't we love it, but with your ex there was nothing, had emotional affairs with other people, and a big question mark remains here.

You can't take on any blame here, although that's what normally happens after a breakup, but what you have to do now is to close that chapter in your life, and what it has done is to give you more experience, because after each relationship there is something to learn from it.

You say that you are good looking, and please don't feel embarrassed here, but you shouldn't have any trouble in connecting with someone else, whether it's a week or two, it will come and that's your light.

Remember it's like the TV show called 'pick a box', you won't find your true love at first, but keep trying, he will come along and whip you off your feet, trust me. L Geoff. x

sarahanne11 · ‎01-09-2015

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, thank you. I am feeling a little better already. While I miss him, I am feeling quite relieved. I am surprised by just how much the negative energy in the relationship affected my mood. I have suffered on an off from mental health issues, so it was easy to blame that for my unhappiness rather than the situation I was in. I didn't mean to imply I was good looking, just that I think a partner should tell the other person when they look beautiful etc, but even so since I have ended the relationship I have actually found myself feeling better about the way I look. I felt very unhappy with my appearance before.

Sawyer · ‎06-09-2015

Hey Sarah,

I'm glad you are feeling better, and I hope that you continue to get a little bit better each day. Sometimes it takes a big change for us to realise how unhappy we had actually been, how much weight we had had on our shoulders, and what this negative energy is caused by.

Your right in that a partner should tell you are beautiful to them, not only physically, but in every facet of your personality. This is regardless of how you look, or what you are like, these things don't matter. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the right person will feel this way about you.

I would have to disagree with geoff though, in that it isn't important for you to connect with someone else in a week or two, your happiness should not be reliant on that. People come and go from our lives, but it is how we feel about ourselves that remains. It is important to first be happy in our own skin, and with ourselves first. If you feel good about yourself first you will find you attract and promote more positive meaningful relationships and these relationships will benefit from how you feel about yourself.

I went through a break up, probably a year and a half ago now, and I know how you feel. I was very dependent on this person for my happiness, I wasn't feeling good about myself, so when it all went bad, I felt like I had this huge emptiness inside of me and I couldn't sustain myself. However I began to realise, that it was because of how I felt about myself that I let her treat me like that, when I could have walked away but chose not to. This had been a continuous theme in many of my past relationships. I realised I deserved better, I struggled with mental illness for what felt like a really long time, but day by day I found my way back. I'm happier and more content with myself now than I ever was during or before that relationship.

I'm so glad to hear you sounding more positive and I hope we can talk more in the future. Value yourself, and demand that others in your life value you as well.

Sawyer

geoff · ‎07-09-2015

dear Sarah, maybe I should explain 'pick a box', especially if you are young and haven't seen it, as it was on TV a long time ago, and this is only an analogy.

A contestant had the chance to win some big dollars but had to choose 1 box out of 100, (I can't remember how many boxes there were) and if he/she chose the right box with these big dollars then they would have won it all, so my reference to this was that there maybe 100 people out there that you like, so after many chances to find your soul mate, at last you found the person you love.

My reference to one or two weeks was only just a suggestion, whereas I could have said one or two months, years, it didn't mean that you will find someone within that period.

Sorry for the confusion. L Geoff. x