I asked to separate from my husband so why am I sad?
My first time writing on this forum. I had been with my partner for 14yrs, married for almost 10 and 6months ago I told him i wanted a divorce. I love him, i am just not in love with him. I treat him as a friend more then a husband. I have felt this way for years. We had barely any intimacy, and if there was some it was when we were both very drunk.
Tomorrow I am moving out of the house and I am constantly crying. Wondering if I have done the right thing. He seems to be ok. He tells me that he is ok and accepting of everything. Is there a chance we will be friends? The separation has been very calm. We have not had any lawyers involved. We have split everything up equally. What if I end up alone for the rest of my life? My marriage wasn't bad, I just was not happy.
Hello Bue_Bird, and a warm welcome to the site.
I am so sorry that you want to separate from your husband but being in a marriage if you are not happy develops feelings of many issues that were not present once before when you were first in love.
We know that our love in a marriage does change over time because remember when you met each other, there was no fear, or if there was, you both coped with it because your love overshadowed everything, he was there with me or she was also there to cope with any situation that came our way and didn't care at all as long as we had one another.
A marriage has to be happy, whether this changes from day to day, depending on the circumstances and whether you both can handle any situation together, but as soon as this goes and don't particularly care, then love may have disappeared, although you don't want anything to happen to your spouse, so then love changes to caring for them, but is this enough to hold a couple together, no, not really, because there are many other physical expectations that are needed to hold the couple together, and this isn't only being intimate, it's laughing together, going to see the kids/grandkids or even buying them a present for their birthday that indicates this.
Your crying will eventually stop once you become settled into a new home, that's exactly what happened to me, and you develop your own life, what pleases you and what you may attempt to do that you couldn't while being married and your personality may also change, showing a different persona, that was once hidden away.
It's how you feel about why you are doing this and if you believe this is exactly what needs to be done, then perhaps it could have been done some time earlier, only you can answer that.
Can I suggest that you do visit your doctor, what they suggest now may be totally different to what they would have several years ago, but please visit them.
The same happened to me and you do meet new friends.
Love to hear back from you.
What a deeply challenging time for you, in so many ways. My heart goes out to you as you face a future which feels a little uncertain at the moment.
While your vision of the future isn't entirely clear right now, Geoff is so thoughtful in sharing his vision with you: Your crying will eventually stop once you become settled into a new home, that's exactly what happened to me, and you develop your own life,what pleases you and what you may attempt to do that you couldn't while being married and your personality may also change, showing a different persona, that was once hidden away.
It sounds like your vision of the future if you'd stayed would involve further unhappiness, to the point where this could perhaps become intolerable and maybe even depressing. It can be a massive challenge to change a future you see coming and don't want. In some ways, it can be easier not to accept the challenges to change it. To accept is brave. I once heard someone say that it is the nature of courage that it comes with fear. If there was no fear, our actions would not be regarded as courageous. Fearlessness is something that gradually develops as it is practiced.
I'm hoping you have some solid plans in place during this grieving period, plans that involve you being kind to yourself. You deserve kindness for the efforts you made during the marriage. Don't easily dismiss your efforts.
As your mindset shifts from leaving to where to go from here, are there any ways you can practice fearlessness? Are there any mantras you could construct and develop. The brain responds well to affirmations, kind of like you're training it into a new perspective. Eventually, it gives up fighting with it's old mental programs. Perhaps a way of easing it into a different perspective could be 'I feel fear while I am being courageous. It takes a courageous person to navigate this particular challenge. I have the courage and ability to navigate'. If you wonder about what kinds of mantras you could develop, perhaps what simply comes to mind is 'You got this!'.
It's amazing how we don't realise all the mental programs put into our head during our growing years until a major challenge comes up. Boy, do a lot of them start surfacing - 'You're doing the wrong thing' (being taught to dismiss our instincts/feelings), 'How do you expect to survive on your own' (taught dependency) and so on. Overriding them, so as to find the best in our self, is a part of the heroes journey.
I too welcome you to the forum.
I can relate to not being in love and being unhappy.
My lightbulb moment was when my husband said he would love me as I was mother of his children but not as a person in my own right
I thought I had a choice to keep going being unhappy or after 20 years start again.
I did cry and people asked why I cried when it was my choice. I was crying fir an end if an era.
Geoff gave helpful suggestions.
No one knows what the future holds, and being alone does not mean being lonely.
Like me you may discover a new part of your personality, you may try new things.
It is all new and raw at the moment but you have made a decision and with support from others in time I feel things will fall into place.
I found keeping a journal , or writing on the computer and dating my thoughts helped me see how I was changing and how life was changing and improving.
Feel free to post here and discuss more.
After reading your post, I saw something in you that made me start wondering. You said: "My marriage wasn't bad, I just was not happy." This got me thinking. I am going on the lines, the reason you feel this way is possibly because you really do love your Husband and you you're now doubting if you made the right choice, so I want you k=to know that it's totally fine with the way you feel. However, you might not love or value yourself as a person which means that you may need to look at different ways of sparking back up your relationship with him. I believe that this is because you still want to be friends with him. The reality is that a happy and loving relationship means that you are best friends, lovers, partners and that you both work with each other to be the best versions that you can be. This might be an opportunity to think about what you can change in your life to make yourself happy to accept you both for who you are. I honestly believe from what you have stated, that you do love this person, you could do with a refresh in your life to improve on some areas, not just for yourself, but for him too. He can try to boost your happiness but only you alone are in control about how you feel.
Reach out to support, talk to people, preferably a relationship expert, speak with other family members, keep yourself busy and start doing things that you haven't done before. You are more amazing and brilliant than you think you are.
Let us know how you go.