I am new, please be gentle..... and sorry for the long vent

[TheItaliansWife]

Hi there,

i am not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I am having somewhat of a clear moment so please forgive the word vomit.

over the past 3 years my life has been imploding, at first organising my wedding, then having my wedding hijacked by the mother and sister inlaw, then my marriage and workplace took a sharp decent at the same time. I wasn't allowed to have input on my own wedding, it still classes as my most horrible day, I love the man I married but I felt it was his families day not "our day" since then my MIL and SIL have gone out of their way to cause hurt. Everything from publicly saying I have genetic disorders, my family is violent (all untrue) to encouraging my 6 year old nephew to say sexist things to me. My husband has over the past 2 years developed anger management issues, and my employer encourages my coworkers to undermine and belittle me. It all came to a horrible head 3 weeks ago when my SIL abused me ver the phone, I had called her and extended an olive branch, she called me a humiliation upon her family, and an abomination on the earth, as well as abusive names and personal attacks and she says everyone hates me (I'm paraphrasing, happy to direct quote but it was lengthy) my husband has informed me, I am to blame.

I know I have chronic health issues that are painful and made worse with stress (but not genetic) and now on reflexion, I feel I probably have an anxiety disorder. I find myself lightheaded and breathless multiple times a day. Overnight I became a clean freak, but now I can't stand to sit at a table unless all the items on the table are lined up millimetre perfect. Failure to drink 4 litres of water a day and chew each piece of food 40 times feel potentially fatal. And I'm finding myself staring into space contemplating no longer existing each night.

i grew up believing if I was a good person who tried to help wherever I could then I would be of value, but now I am left feeling the world would be better if I stepped back out of it.

I have tried reasoning, negotiating even bargaining with my husband for his kindness, he claims I ruin everything and yells at me each night when I return from work.

I just want my husband to treat me the same way as he did when we were dating, the more this goes on the less hopeful I am that he will.

he is now refusing marriage counciling, he calls it "airing dirty laundry"

i feel I have been chipped away and there is not much left, weak, hollow, fragile.

.

Hop

[Croix]

Dear TIW~

Thanks for the update, I guess a lot may have happened in the last few days. It may sound cynical but I suspect no contact from your husband is better than being in contact and the abuse continuing.

Are you still at home of have you moved to your family? Getting their support and perspective can be really great, even if they reach for a lawyer rather quickly. Having people on your side makes an awful difference.

You mentioned you were going to your GP and getting a referral and are now on meds. Do you mind if I ask how this is going?

Are the panic attacks just as bad?

I would think getting your husband to work on things with you is not going to be successful. He sounds to entrenched in his own self-justifying attitude.

Most persons that are in your situation find it hard to believe they are ordinary people and are not in some way at fault. All the cruel remarks tend to add up and be effective even when completely wrong. As a result outside experience can be helpful, so I'll mention our 24/7 help line and 1800RESPECT again as possible places to talk.

Yes it is a hard miserable time, it does get better though. You are taking the right actions.

Please keep letting us know how you are going

Croix

[MissMySon]

Hi TheItaliansWife,

The first thing I will say is I'm sorry that you have had to experience this.

Now I will say that this treatment of you is disgusting, and it is ABUSE. If you saw someone else being treated like this, what would your advice to them be?

Leave this family, now. They will never change. I have just left a 5 year relationship where I was assaulted, my life threatened, criticized everyday, and isolated from family and friends. I had to think to myself - If you saw someone else being treated like this, what would your advice to them be? My answer was to end the relationship, and upon ending it I was assaulted yet again, But, I was free.

These people are Narcissists, feeding off control, feeding off your misery.

You are strong, you are valuable, and you are special. Free yourself from their hooks.

Lots of love a peace,

MissMySon/Scott.