I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Raewyn · ‎13-10-2017

I am not sure that the 2500 characters is enough for me to write everything I need too. I need to get this all out. I do not have anybody left in my life to talk to....

In 2009 about a year after the end of my 10 year relationship (he was the love of my life and he cheated on me), I had started to re-build my world... I had lost everything, house, his family, I miscarried. Two years earlier I lost my only family, my mum. I have no siblings or children. I moved into a house with a few books and a bed, I was severely depressed, PTSD, I started drinking at the local pub, every night. I ended up making a lot of friends there (country town), got a great job and met "S".

"S" was very smart (very very smart), funny, had strong opinions, and very handsome (to me). I fell head over heels. ...at this time, I was feeling super confident, I was 34 years old, I was thin for the first time in my life (had lost weight through depression), and he just seemed perfect. He had two teenage kids (lived with the mum) who I adored. He worked fly in - fly out.. anyway...he moved in with me within a couple of months (he just started bring stuff over), he started telling me I was fat, he was going to strip clubs when he was away at work, he was treating me like a secretary (ringing me demanding I do paperwork for him), he smashed some of my belongings...he basically had control over me... in between all this bad, was lots of good, fun, laughs...it was so up and down...I was walking on eggshells mostly...over the next year or so, I lost my remaining friends... he hated them - they hated him, he simply made it hard for me, I didn't fight for them, I just let them go...and after a couple of years I was alone, just him and I. Everything for me spiralled out of control. Two years into it, and I found out he had had a vasectomy years before we met. I was devastated. I still am. I went into severe depression. I still am. He does not ask if I am unwell.

I am still with him. We have not slept in the same room for 3 years. He left his job 3 yrs ago and never went back to work (lives off money from selling a house). I work from home. I cry secretly at night about not having a family. I am 42. I have no one in my life. I am scared to leave because I will really be alone, and I am already so severely depressed. We do not talk about how I feel, he goes silent.. As long as I act happy its all 'okay'. I keep thinking its me, like I have issues, that everything should be okay... I am not coping.

Raewyn · ‎23-10-2017

I am overwhelmed and tearful reading your replies. Thank You. I’m not used to interacting with people much anymore. I’m feeling very down this evening.

We went out yesterday to his motorbike event. He put his arm around me a few times and I wanted to recoil, I don’t know why he did it. I just tried to have a good day, ignoring the happy mums and children etc, which is so hard to do...

On the way home S was talking while we were driving, he mentioned ‘men who are ‘broken’ by their nagging/lifesucking wives’, and under my breath I said ‘broken like me’...he heard me and laughed, and said ‘yeah your broken’.

We never discuss how sad I am. When I have in the past, he either angrily withdraws, attacks or becomes verbally angry. So I felt very brave making my quiet remark, but now I feel utterly devastated... I truly believe his response is his actual feelings... he actually doesn’t believe I am broken? Or he believes he is a victim?

It hurts that my hurt is invisible to him. I cry quietly. I go quiet. All because the consequences of him knowing are too much for me.

In a healthy relationship I would ask him what he thinks, feels, so as not to misinterpret him, but I cannot do that.

Its been 12 days since I spoke to a lady on lifeline regarding me having nothing to live for without children, and I’m not broken?

I’ve been in bed all day, while S went to visit his daughter. That in itself hurts me. I just hurt.

I really feel like finally, being brave (or stupid) and going in there and just screaming at him....

Guest_128 · ‎23-10-2017

Dear Rae,

I am so sad that you are in this absolutely crap position.

You seriously need to get professional people into your life!!!!!!!!!!

You need help from them.

Ph the help lines here,go to your local gp

You need to get out of there.

Go stay with your friend interstate.

This relationship has no future.

Keep posting here,there are many people that can help you.

Sorry I couldn't give you anything positive,but I think you already know.

Please take care and we wait to hear from you.

Dory

geoff · ‎25-10-2017

hello Raswyn, I've read all the good replies and know what you should be doing but we have to convince you, the trouble is what you are doing is what happens to so many other married or women living together in an abusive r/ship.
They hope that there will a change with him and realise that what he's doing is wrong and then correct himself, unfortunately that doesn't happen, they abuse you, then they make up promising that they will correct their ways only for a couple of days later it all comes back.
I understand your circumstances, but unless you move away from him you won't be able to have any friends.
The only reason he put his arms around at the motorbike event was purely to show off, he was only pretending, he doesn't love you, he does whatever he wants to do while he's away working because as they say 'he's the man'.
You should leave him and do it while he's working, go and visit your friend interstate, I know you may not want to do this, but consider a life with him and the abuse compared to living by yourself until you can meet someone else. Geoff.

Guest_128 · ‎25-10-2017

Rae,are you there?

We are worried about YOU.

How are you? I hope we didn't scare you. You don't have to do what we say,it's just advice because we know.

Dory

Raewyn · ‎28-10-2017

I’m still here. Thank You. No you have not scared me. I just don’t know what I can actually do. I’m kind of at the point where I’m forcing myself to eat and shower etc... I haven’t spoken to S in days. I wish I had someone near me to drink coffee with etc. it has been eight months since I saw a friend, and before that it was two years.... I can’t believe how isolated I am. My friend in Queensland met a man a few months ago, she told me they are getting engaged...I could barely manage to say congratulations.... I really don’t know what to do. I drive, walk, throw myself into work...the whole time my head is pounding...mornings are the worst....

Guest_128 · ‎28-10-2017

Hello Rae, it's really good to hear from you.

Your friend interstate that you have spoken to about what's going on,will she help you? Is she in a large town? You know where I am going with this. You can do it and we can help you. You have to be smart,and safe.

what do you think?

Dory