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I am aware that a sexless marriage is nothing new but..

Community Member

We have been married for 43yrs. About 20yrs ago I had a work related break down. After a few psychologists I found one who really did give me tools to help me back. Thanks. unfortunately a previous psychologist said I should network and build a friendship circle. Through this I met a lady also suffering from depression and we met for coffee, around the same time a 'friend' linked a couple of explicit dating sites on my phone, yes I did look. My wife found out about this and that I had met and kissed (friendly) this lady. My wife has always read my mail and always looks through my phone, phones me on a regular basis if she is at work or away (she works shift work.

All relationships are two way streets I am not perfect but the last 30yrs without sex has been hard. My wife explains that for many reasons she is not interested and I have to accept what is on offer, holding hands the occasional consoling cuddle. We have been to a couple of counsellors but they did not give her the answers she wanted. We go on holiday we are not rich but manage. I manage by keeping myself permanently tired, hence few sexual urges! Just mild headaches and a punishing work schedule. We have talked seen counsellors, she is unhappy that I am not satisfied where do we go? She does see this as my problem and has told counsellors we have seen of her thoughts.

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Vintage, welcome

My opinion is subjective of course. Ive had 4 long term (over 7 years each) relationships one of which had a sexual side totally incompatible. After 11 years it was one of 3 reasons for our demise....she was not intetested in sex, sshe was emotionally abusive and she was laxy, quite happy to see me working 3 jobs and doing all the housework as she slept away.

I did conclude that lack of sex was a big deal to me. Your wife saying "its your problem" reminds me of my wifes response.

I think you can be unfair to yourself to conclude its something to just put up with. I do think its her responsibility to make sure your level of happiness is maintained. But thats debatable.

Apart from seeking professional help in the form of counseling the call is yours. Can you live like this all your life? Can you do without your wifes companionship? Do you love her etc.

I think as a bare minimum family counseling is desirable even on your own. If your wife doesnt support you and attend then you can weigh up that fact in your determinations.

Tony WK

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Vintage, you could be about my age, I'm 63 this year but this doesn't matter.
You certainly don't have any privacy, even though people say that a married couple should have no secrets, but to look through your phone and open any mail addressed to you is questionable, some accept it while others don't, and if there is no sexual connection then it's probably very unfair.
To me the two of you are going in different directions, she expects you to be happy in this marriage as it is, while you would like some sexual contact, both of these are totally different, but this post is from you, so I have to address my comment on what you told us.
It's quite common for a male to kiss a female and vice-versa even when you're married, there's nothing wrong with this and I certainly have, as my wife (ex)has also done the same, with or without the two of us being together.
I don't want you to stay tired, I want you to go and enjoy your life and whether your present marriage has come to an end, then so be it, 40 years has been outstanding but it's not if you are not getting what you want.
We have to expect people change over time and if they can't grow with you ( either way)then it's time to move on.
I would have been married for 41 years this year, but it ended when my wife divorced me 2002 (?), however the last 5 years or so she slept in another room. Geoff.