Husband won't take ownership of his affair

[wendlle]

There is a lot of context but I'll be quick as possible.

We were separated for a few years, both single the entire time and still communicating.

In January he started seeing someone that he knew as a teenager (they dated and were intimate as teens) he was seeing her for 2 months then something sparked in us and he came home and we got back together.

We have two kids aged 5 and 8 for reference also.

It has been 3 months and I just found out he has been sexting her the entire 3 months he has been home, he has also gone to her house numerous time. I don't believe he has had sex with her on these visits, this is more emotional.

The texts were really disgusting and involved photos on her side where she is naked and worse - very sexual like porn. My husband was fully responding to them all.

He is refusing to take full ownership of this, I want us to work it out and move forward but he just keeps saying "I don't think this will work" he won't share his password with me so I can build trust with him which just makes me think there are more secrets to come.

I'm so lost and lonely and sad, I've never felt so betrayed before but I don't want to lose him again.
He says he has cut all ties, but without his passwords I'll never know. Says he loves me and not her and basically says it like "if i wanted to be with her i would be, but i'm here" like i'm supposed to be grateful he is here even though his mind has been on his ex.

We have been married for 12 years and together for 17 - he has been with this woman for 2 months.
What gives????

[Croix]

Dear Wendlle~

Welcome here to the Forum, I hpe you can find some ideas here.

I'm not in the least surprised you feel lost, lonely and sad -and betrayed. My idea of a partner is someone you can trust, and here that simply is not the case. On top of your own feelng are the children, and what is best for them.

It is a pity he will not share his passwords, I guess, like you, I'd feel there was probably something to hide, and the most obvious thing is that you husband is maintaining some sort of relationship with  that other person or else simply does not want the record of the affair to be looked at or deleted.

While I've never strayed I do have a couple of photos of people I was particularly close to prior to my marriage and would not like to see them lost. Not the same thing I know but it does show a desire to keep a record of very meaningful matters that were part of a person's life.

Without defending his conduct towards you I will say that some people have to go away for a while to appreciate what they had, and then return.

How you weight up lack of trust and risk he is/or will in the future/ stray against accepting the current situation I would suggest that you see if you can have counceling before taking any action, if not just you alone then preferably to two of you together. I"d suggest Relationships Australia ( 1300 364 277) and see if they have a location near you, or if not make a suggestion.

It is a very difficult situation for you, and maybe the children too and I hope things improve. Do you have anyone in your life you can lean on for support at the moment, not necessarily to fix things, but just listen and care?

If you would like to say how you get on and you felt like saying I would like to know.

Croix

[Fiatlux]

Hi Wendlle,

I am still married to a serial cheater, it will be 37 years later this year.

I feel exhausted reading your post. I have endured the lies, deception, trickle truth, rug sweeping and the list of deceit is endless and he’s shameless, shifting the blame on me or the other parties.

Without trust, there’s no love and without love there’s no respect and without all this what’s the point. 

When I have more energy, I may write a more thorough meaningful reply. In the meantime my husband too was still in contact with the last affair person for quite a while, after telling me that he will do anything it takes to make it work with me. He kept her as his side piece just in case reconciliation with me didn’t work. He lied, he lied, he lied. Anything to stop the truth resurfacing. We live together now but far from lovingly reconciled.

Good luck. Fiatlux 🙏🏼 

[Croix]

Dear Fiatlux~

I wanted to thank you for your post. I think that may people, both those tha post and those that only read, would find it very helpful. It is so easy to say 'he was unfaithful and lied and I"m leaving'

In real life things are not nearly as clear cut and there are many reasons for staying together, and as you do put up with that behaviour.

It is ironic you both know when he lies, and maybe if he had been truthful it might bring things out in the open where you would feel obliged to leave, no matter how much ot your disadvantage.

I do not think you are weak as some might for staying ,far from it I see you as a strong person who is able to make the best of a bad situation. I hope there is someone in you life, family or friend, who can give you some support, even if it is only to listen and care.

Croix