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Husband wants to leave

Sallyanne2
Community Member

Today has been a hard day. Took dog to vet, in car dog whinged all the way there and caused my husband to have anxiety and stress to the point he thought he would die. He has a hearing problem which causes his ears to ache with loud noises and he thought the dog might bark while in car. I contacted my dog groomer to see if she knew of anyone that would love a beautiful placid puppy to keep as I can’t keep going through this mess of being blamed for the dogs erratic barking, even though today she didn’t bark.

husband is now saying he doesn’t want me to get rid of the dog because it’s him that wants to go. He doesn’t believe our relationship is worth saving after 42 years of being together. I’m kind to him, treat him with respect, cook, clean, wash his clothes, iron his clothes and all the other things a good women would do. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I certainly don’t treat him badly. I have never hit or abused him, bullied him or be graded him. I have supported him and cared for him all our years together.

I feel so let down. I feel why should I do all those things that show my love for him when he can’t appreciate them. I feel I have nothing more to give, I give him my all and I feel for what now? Should I just move on and get out before I’m hurt anymore or should I stay and know he’s not happy. It’s doing my head in. I could probably go to my mums. I’m so hurt, I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. He’s says I’ve done nothing wrong, well why would he want to go? IF he loved me he wouldn’t want to go. I thought he loved me, but obviously not. News to me. I’m shocked, hurt and totally don’t know where to go from here. Any advice would be greatly considered as I’m lost and feel alone.

10 Replies 10

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Sallyanne2,

It sounds like today has been completely overwhelming and exhausting for everyone. Do you feel your husband's comment was more one made out of frustration than based on actual sentiment? Could the puppy be seen as a rival by placing his needs second, also leading to such brash statements? Or maybe he feels guilty that his annoyance is depriving you of the joy of your puppy.

42 years is testament to your acceptance of each other's character and we can often voice our thoughts inappropriately without fully thinking things through or the considering impact it has on those close to us. Your reaction and responses also may need time to reflect upon in a calmer frame of mind.

Perhaps a good idea to go out for dinner and pamper yourselves to get a handle on the situation before reaching a conclusion. Once seen in context, you may feel more reassured.

Regards,

t.

Guest909
Community Member

Hi Sallyanne

I can see from some of your older posts that you were going through some family issues earlier this year. This is the last thing that you needed.

From what you have said, your husband has a few issues that he needs to work through; give him the time and the space he needs to do that. A few days at your mother's place may do both of you some good; take the dog with you or put it in a kennel, if need be.

Does your husband have any mental health problems? That might sound like a silly question, but his history may help you understand what the problem is now.

As tranzcrybe said above, sometime things are said in the heat of the moment. Stand back and see where he goes. Something is eating away at him; it may not be you or the dog.

I only wish that my ex wife of 30+ years was as caring and as loyal as you.

Stay in touch, there is a wealth of knowledge on this forum.

Paul

Hi, welcome

No doubt you have been a good wife, unfortunately that doesn't compensate for whatever his issues are. I mention this so you are clear that you've done no wrong. He appears to have at least anxiety issues that should be addressed.

As Mr Paul suggested, a spell at your mum's isn't a bad idea.

I have a thread that suggests a peaceful way of settling disputes.

Google-

Beyondblue topic relationship strife-the peace pipe

TonyWK

zani
Community Member

I feel for you as my husband of 40 years just did not come home 3 weeks ago & I messaged him to see what time he would be home & I got a text message saying he had ended the marriage & I would never see or hear from him again.I am totally devastated & in shock.There is no way to describe the utter despair I feel. Try to ask him what is wrong?? I hope you have the chance to talk him out of leaving as the alternative is indescribable

Thank you for your thoughtful words.

husband has brought up many times he wants to leave but I always thought is was because of the dog because the only time he brings it up is when the dog has upset him. But yesterday I told him I would surrender the dog and he said no because he wants to leave because of us. I have no idea why, he said we have been going good for a few months in his opinion. I really don’t want to invested in a relationship that is all one sided. I have given him my all but obviously that’s not good enough for him. I’m shattered. I have nothing more to give. He said at times he feels lonely, well leaving will only put him there 24/7. He doesn’t socialise because of his ears and I have given up so much to support him in that. We don’t go to movies, out for dinner or mix with groups of people, and that has been ok with me, as I always supported him, but he has flawed me with this statement of wanting to leave. Why was he not honest and up front before now? Why string me along? It’s so disappointing. I feel used.

Thank you Paul.

He has suffered many years ago with anxiety and I was there for him every step of the way. I have supported him with his hearing condition and given up the life we knew to make things easier for him. I have never once regretted doing this as I am in this marriage through thick and thin.

He also supported me through my nine yrs of depression, which I am very grateful for. This was the reason we got the dog, to help me get through the toughest of days. She has been my best friend and very loyal. I really don’t know what I would do without her. But I was willing to surrender her to save my marriage. But I had no idea hubby wants to leave because of our relationship. I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means, but I certainly didn’t think we were anywhere near separating. I thought everything was fine. I have nothing more to give him of myself or add to the relationship, I have given 100% of myself. I never put him down, I am always honest and care for him in every way possible. It’s just flawed me. You could knock me over with a feather. Shattered to say the least.

Thank you Tony, I have thought about going to my mothers for a while but I didn’t want to bring family in on this. I try to protect my children and mother from things that would upset them. Maybe when I talk to him I could suggest to him to take time out at his parents place. He dad passed away 4 months ago and only a week ago his mum passed away and we had the funeral on Thursday. I know this is a tough time for him, as it is for me, as I have been in his family for 42 yrs. we are all grieving, but I haven’t been anything but supportive while he has been in this situation.

Keeping in mind this part of him wanting to leave, he has told me has been for 12 mths, so it’s not the grieving that’s brought this on. Even when I was in the deepest of depression I never once lashed out at him, abused him, accused him or pushed him away. I have strong morals and beliefs and I never try to hurt anyone. My intentions are always from a good heart. This is why it is a total shock to me. I really don’t know what to say to him, I feel I’ve got nothing left. I feel empty and let down. It hurts so much.

Hey Sallyanne, it's great to see you reaching out on the forums today. We're very sorry to hear of your husband's comments and actions over the past week. We can imagine it would've hurt to hear that he intends to leave and was not honest about this. We can understand your feelings of emptiness and disappointment. Please know this if you'd like to talk about these feelings there is support available to you.  You might find it helpful to speak with a counsellor from an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. It might be worth finding out what they can offer you. You are also more than welcome to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport We hope these resources are helpful to you and please do keep in touch here on the forums.   

Sallyanne2
Community Member

Thank you Zani, I really feel for you and don’t feel I have any appropriate words that could comfort and ease your pain. I am so so sorry this has happened to you. There is always one person hurt after a relationship ends. It can be so hard to function and move on in life. Especially when you have given so much of your life to these people and they treat you like that. I know what your saying, about trying to work this through but I really don’t know if I can invest so much of myself to someone that doesn’t want to be with me. I have given my all, everything I have and I just feel it’s not appreciated. I need to ask myself lots of questions about whether it’s worth salvaging a marriage where I know he is not happy and doesn’t want to be in it. He is the type to keep throwing things back at me when he is not happy. He can’t let things be said once and move on. I don’t like to be treated as a child who needs to be told something many times. At the moment I’m not talking to him, I’m trying to process my thoughts and actions without getting emotionally caught up in conversation and saying something that could be used against me later.

I wish you well, I hope you can move on and find peace and love in the world with people who love you for who you are. Try and stay strong. Hugs to you.