Husband trying to help his Wife

[Lachlan88]

Hello

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'll start anyway.

I believe my wife is starting to suffer from depression, she has a history of it when she was younger and plus her family has too. For the past week she hasnt gone to work and has not stopped watching Netflix until she literally falls asleep. Now this is a woman who is career minded and loves her job and she's damn good at it! But recently she's has been stressed out by trying to achieve a promotion to climb the ladder and her workload has been extreme. I've seen how hard she's worked and how much her employers have taken her for granted.

We have also been recovering financially from our wedding last year and it has been tough money wise but we all work together to make things work but also the stress of childcare on us has been massive with those costs. Plus our two year old son is he energizer bunny!

I dont know what to do. She's refusing to talk to anyone at home, I thought if I waited a week and then approached her to ask what's happening she might open up but she explodes and tells me that she just wants to be left alone. She's ignoring our son who wants nothing more to be with his mum but all she is does is sit and watch to show after to show. I think this is how she is escaping what's happening but I'm scared she going loose everything if this continues.

I love her a lot and I just want to help her. If that means we have to see someone for her to talk to then I'm onboard with that but I think she knows something is wrong but doesn't want to face it. I'll do whatever she wants me to do to help but I don't how to help her if she's refusing to talk.

what can I do to help? Am I doing the wrong things or are there steps I can take to help her?

Thankyou

lachlan

[Lachlan88]

It's wierd if we go out or leave the house she's fine, she talks acts like before like there no change but as soon as we get home, it's like she's having withdrawals and instantly locks her self on the couch and says she needs time to herself. Our son can't even come down, I see it on her face how if anything interrupts her it's like she's in pain. She glazes over. It's like she's literally turns off like a computer.

As for our son it's affecting him massivley. He asks me where she is, he tells me she's always "Shooosh mummy sleep". all he wants is a cuddle from his mum and she can't even do that. But then she will have moments we're she does the opposite and gives him what he wants but five minutes later disappears back downstairs.

Her mum lives with us and she is feeling the same way as me, we just don't know what to do or say without causing more problems. And to be honest I don't think she's is coping well with what Eb is going through.

I know she knows something isn't right with herself as she tells me she has a plan to follow to help herself but I believe she doesn't want to face it or deal with it. I think you guys could be right about PND.

That's good idea with the diary I think I'll do that. She's booked in to sea physiatrist on Friday but I'm afraid she might not go but I have to wait and see.

I just want to say thankyou to all the advice you guys have given me, I know I ramble a bit on but I just need to talk.

[geoff]

hi Lachlan, there are a couple of points you have made known, I wonder whether she is putting on a fake face when she leaves home, giving the appearance to everyone that she is 'fine', and saying 'fine' I think is always a cover up word when people say they are OK, and as soon as someone says that to me, I know there is a problem.
The other issue is whether her having her mother there at home is causing all of this.
Her appointment with the psychiatrist is what she may miss, because it's easy for someone suffering from depression to book well ahead of time, but as soon as the time is 'now' they don't go, so maybe you can take her. Geoff.

[Apollo_Black]

What's the story with her mum living with you?

[Lachlan88]

Her mum and dad lives with us. Her mum and her are very close. Close to the point that it has caused problems with our relationship before, as I think she doesn't really want to let go of her daughter if you get my meaning. Eb depends on her and her mum does the same. To be honest we don't get much time to our selves as she is always around us. But that's another story!

But at the same time she does a lot for us with our son. She looks after him a lot and gets him ready for school as I start early for work. At the moment she's doing extra with Eb not being around him as much and it's upsets her too that his mum isn't taking notice. To be honest I think she won't cope with much of what going on for much longer.

I had hoped to be able to take Eb to the appointment on Friday but she doesn't want me too go, but her mum is going with her. I wish I could be by her side even if I have to wait in he car at least I'm there for her but she wants her mum instead.

right now I'm just keepin my distance today as she doesn't really want to talk to me probably because of last night so I'll just wait and see what happens.

[Apollo_Black]

"But that's another story!"

- No it's not, it's important. It's very relevant. I'm unsure as to why you haven't mentioned it before now. It's a big red flag for your relationship with your wife. So do you live with them or do they live with you? How did this scenario come about? More info...how do you get on with them, what's their relationship with their daughter like. What's her dad doing in all of this?

"To be honest I think she won't cope with much of what going on for much longer."

- what has she done and what do you this she'll do?

"I had hoped to be able to take Eb to the appointment on Friday but she doesn't want me too go, but her mum is going with her"

- Please clarify, is her mum going to go INTO the appointment with her or wait outside?

- Second point, she's your wife. Her mother comes second. So you should insist on taking her, like you said, even if you wait outside.

"because of last night"

- how bad did you blow up/lose your temper? what did you say to her?

"I know I ramble a bit on but I just need to talk."

- It's good to talk, and I'm happy to listen. But don't leave out the important parts, that's not helpful.

[Lachlan88]

They live with us. Her dad comes and goes as he he has a caravan he stays in up he coast a lot and as he has cancer he tends to only come back when he has hospital apointments. as for her mum, she and Eb are too close in my opinion. We literally have no space with her. She doesn't drive so she depends on us to take her to work, the shops whatever. That's ok as like I said she does a lot for our son, but she does interfere in our relationship to much which me and Eb have spoken about before. Example, me an Eb are talking about something she will either eavesdrop or annoyingly ask us why we're talking about persistently. I get on with them all, but her mum has serious OCD issues with our house cleaning wise it drives us all nuts. Plus she nags the hell out of Eb which she then takes her frustration out on me.

Me and Eb have talked before about moving out and just being us three but I don't believe She could do it as her mum is to invested in her life. But at the same time she has done a lot for me and Eb, a lot with our wedding and work issues. But I guess that no reason to justify the good with the bad.

Your right about taking Eb myself to the doctor, I've asked but she said this something she wants to do herself but I I ew her mum would go with her. That's a given. Should I ask again or tell her I'm going with her? I don't want to jeopardise the day itself .

Last night wasn't massive, I raised my voice a little and told her off about the tv obsession and how she spoke to me about making a sandwich wrong. I aimed not too but I couldn't help it. She accused me of not communicating which just pissed me off to tell her off. So I called her out on wanting to talk and then she shut me out again.

[Apollo_Black]

I'm sorry if my last post came across as a little frosty Lachlan. I didn't mean it to. I feel your pain as a fellow man who cares for his loved ones too. Keep your head up pal

[Lachlan88]

No worries mate all good.

I really want to take her myself to the doctor but she doesn't want me to go with her she wants to do it herself but I know her mum will go with her. I want to be adamant that I should be the one to take her but at the same time I don't want cause a situation in which she will justify on not going.

As for the relationship between me and her parents it a strange one. Her dad i don't see that much as he comes and goes up the coast as he has a caravan which he's building. Her mum we get along but she and Eb are very close. Sometimes too close. She will always somehow involved in anything between me and my mrs it drives us nuts. I thinks she afraid of loosing her daughter in what way I don't know. It I know she's going to blow up soon, she's starting to get angrier with Eb as she just doesn't seem to listen to her at all now. Especially when it comes to our son.

As for the the other night when I lost my temper I just raised my voice and told her sitting in front of the tv all day isn't doing our family any good. And she lost it and I think I made it worse. I couldn't help it I just kinda blew up I was just at the end of my tether last week as I've been doing long hours to get extra $ for the loss lately.

[Apollo_Black]

I know what you mean by not wanting to jeopardise the visit next week. Perhaps play it cool and test the waters closer to the time. It's good she wants you to communicate. Perhaps you can tell her calmly that that's what you'd really like to do - take her to her appointment. You don't have to go in with her but you just want to be her support as her husband. If she kicks up a huge fuss you may have to pass just so she does go.

Don't worry about the blow up. Just be mindful that it's your job to be the rock, now more than ever. So that also means that you stay cool even when you want to explode. Channel your energy into exercise so you can blow off steam that way. Vent to a close, trusted MALE friend.

I the longer term, being that rock also translates into tackling your living situation. As you probably know well enough yourself - you guys need to move out and find your own way. Your wife needs to live independently from her parents, well I think so anyway.

It's a pity you can't cancel the Netflix subscription, after all you need to save some money right now.