Husband left me

Odette-1 · ‎03-12-2019

Hey all. I really need to vent in a safe space. Last week my husband of 15 years left me and our son and our dog. He says he loves me but is not in love with me and needs to figure out what he’s going to do with the rest of his life. My son and I were in tears and he conducted himself so coldly. Basically said that how he feels is more important than us. I am so tired and so scared. I’ve been a stay at home mum for 19 years and have no real work experience. I’m scared I won’t be able to provide for my 13 year old. He’s turning 40 next year and I’m thinking it might be a mid life crisis. I had one but I didn’t turn my back on my family, whenever I tried to leave he’s manipulate me into staying. Getting my friends to text me to tell me that I was doing the wrong thing. But now that he wants to go, there’s no stopping him. I just don’t know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Especially from those who have come out the other side.

Odette-1 · ‎05-12-2019

Thanks for all the replies. I don’t really know what to do. I am sad that he’s gone. That he could do it. I’m mourning our dreams and I’m mourning the old shape of our family. My daughter (from a previous relationship) who has been his step child since she was 3 told me that she doesn’t think he ever loved her. Which was quite brutal to hear. She thinks good riddance to bad rubbish. I am very full of anger and hate. But I’m careful not to expose that in front of our son. I do love my husband, I want him to wake up to himself about what’s going on internally with him. And get help, at least if he does he can make a choice based on reality instead of this fog he appears to be in.

Blackrabbit · ‎05-12-2019

Good morning Odette,
Its good to see you here again.

I hope you can find a little bit of goodness in today.
You mentioned that you felt like you were in mourning. I remember that feeling too.

I still feel it a bit now a year on. Like other kinds of grief it doesn't seem to go away, but it changes over time.

I know how daunted and worried you must feel, plus all those feelings of anger and rejection. Its bloody awful.

For myself, all those negative feelings clouded my judgement a bit and helped me make a few poor decisions.

If I could offer any advice I'd say try not to make any big decisions right now, while its really tough.
Wait until you feel a bit more settled and in control.

Day by day mate.
Take care.

Odette-1 · ‎05-12-2019

Thank you. I haven’t been able to sleep properly and I’m quite an emotionally charged person as it is. So hiding how I’m feeling is not easy for me. I am taking it day by day, it is so hard. I don’t want to keep on crying or dissecting every little thing that occurred in our marriage. That’s the real mind game, wondering if any of it was true. Whether he did things out of love or not. I suppose it all doesn’t matter now. I need some time to work things out. Once that’s all done, I think I will be unstable for a while but it will work out.

Blackrabbit · ‎05-12-2019

Ha Ha, yes Odette, I wear my heart on my sleeve too!
Never sure if its a blessing or a curse.

I would lie awake all night going over every little thing.
I got to the point where I doubted if the good and positive things in the marriage even existed.
But they did. I know that now.

I would lie there thinking "when did it go wrong?" and would go further and further back until I'd convinced myself that it went wrong because we'd met in the first place.

What you're going through is a really big deal and its ok to feel a bit off-kilter and a bit unstable.

If things get really tough the telephone helplines are good. The one at the bottom of the page here is probably a good place to start if you feel you need it.

I hope you manage to get a bit of rest tonight.

Keep on keeping on!

Odette-1 · ‎05-12-2019

Just adding that I spoke to my husband today and it’s pretty clear that he’s blaming me for everything. Like everything. He left because of me, it’s my fault for texting him, it’s my fault for not giving him space, it’s my fault for giving our son false hope that we’ll get back together. At this point I feel like he’s just waiting for me to say it’s absolutely over, so that he can blame our entire relationships demise on me. I’m not going to do that. But I am going to live my life as if he’s never coming back. That way, he can make his decision and live with his choice without having the luxury of flipping it back on me.

smallwolf · ‎06-12-2019

There is some determination in those words.

You should also realise that you are not to blame - If everything was as your husband indicates, how come he did not or could not communicate this to you? Communication between partners in the relationship is very important and managing the ups and downs. Unfortunately it sounds as though in his version of the world, it might have been easier to walk away rather than talking about what he perceived as issues a long tine ago?

On false hope - one thing I don't say is never as I don't really know what will happen in the future. It is also natural / normal to the optimistic in some conversations. What did you say you say to your son? If you don't know what is happening, then what should you say? (That's a rhetorical question)

A number of thoughts and emotions will come and go as you and your son readjust to what has happened. Please remember there are people here who care about you and talk to you. If that is not enough, there are friends, family and professional options.

Anyway I hope you have a good weekend in case I don't see you before then.

Tim

Odette-1 · ‎06-12-2019

My husband doesn’t talk very much. He doesn’t speak to me really about how he is feeling. And if I talk to him about mine, he literally just says the opposite. For example, I’ll say, we are having problems and you’re not really talking to me. To which he’ll reply, I do talk to you. And then that’s it. It has made it almost impossible for me to bring up anything I feel. So I talk to my female friends about it instead.

Yesterday he basically made out that I’m the one who’s caused all of our problems, and I apologised to which he answered I don’t think sorry will cut it this time and then abruptly ended the conversation. We both have been imperfect in our marriage, but there’s been no cheating etc. I’m just at a loss for what to do, so I’m doing only what I can which is to focus on our son.

Thank you Tim. I hope you have a good weekend too.

Odette-1 · ‎08-12-2019

Just spent an hour talking with him. He just comes across as so angry and it’s so hard to communicate with someone when they’re not listening. We are going to see a marriage Counsellor. He is going to organise it. I don’t know if I’m wasting my time. I feel so drained.

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎08-12-2019

Hey there. So sorry you're going through all this. It's frustrating when people won't communicate, so if he's willing to go to marriage counselling that's sounds like a positive.

I hope you're able to practice a little self care for now. Having recently gone through a break up myself, I know how emotionally tiring it is. My GP recommended a meditation app calling Smiling Mind to help slow my thoughts down, and also gave me a script for something natural to help me sleep. Just a suggestion. My thoughts are with you. Katy

Odette-1 · ‎09-12-2019

Thank you Katy. I’ll give that app a go. It’s been the hardest time of my life thus far. When I look at him, he just seems enraged and doesn’t seem to take anything in. It’s really difficult. I care about him, I care about my family, I’m also extremely disappointed that we are going through this. I feel bad for my son and I feel really bad for our dog. Our dog sits on his spot and just looks so sad, at least with my son I can tell him what’s going on. Can’t do that with the pooch. My mums upset also, I feel like he doesn’t have to deal with any of the consequences. And I’m stuck here holding it altogether. I have to accept this as my reality, and that life is rarely fair.