Husband doesn’t like my children

[Belle333]

We are a blended family. Husband does not like his step kids. Always blames them for everything, accuses them even if they didn’t do anything. Thinks they are toxic when they aren’t. Favours his son all the time. Talks negatively to me about my kids, puts them done. Can’t wait till they grow up and leave the home. Need help on what to do?! I love my kids and I even love his son. He blames his unhappiness on the kids but he knew what he was doing when we met. I am wondering should I stay with him or leave because he is very nasty to my kids. He is always finding something to pick on and be negative. 

[randomxx]

Hi there op and so sorry about the situation, one of the most heartbreaking l'd imagine. Later on after my marriage had broken up, l met someone new. Unfortunately though as insanely well we got along, there was also something about her made me very very wary as far as my daughter went, so much so that l still hadn't even risked introducing them 2yrs later. She also had a very prickly side to her at times wwhich alone was worry enough.

Long story short we broke up bc there was no way on this earth l could trust her around my own, especially if they would be alone at times and things like that.

l feel terrible for your situation bc it's gone way beyond what we had now for you with marriage and under the same roof. l'm afraid though for me my kids would come first, no matter what. There is no way know l'd let any partner or wife treat my kids like that or allow my kids to go through it.

So to me there's only a few options. Either seriously talk to him about it if at all possible but even if he says he'll commit to change, that has to be real and it has to be lasting, they can not be growing up being treated like that from someone but especially that isn't even their real dad.

Or, live separately until the kids have grown up, but l really dunno how l'd even still be loving someone that treated my kids like that anyway tbh.

Or break up all together and get him outa there and away from them.

Sorry to be blunt but they can not be going through this.

rx

[melodica]

Hello,

That sounds incredibly painful for you and your kids. Living in a home where your children are constantly blamed and put down, even when they haven't done anything wrong, must feel heartbreaking and exhausting.

You've mentioned loving both your kids and his son, and recognising that he chose this blended family knowing the situation. Deep down, you seem to have a sense of what might need to happen, but it's understandably hard to face.

What would feel safest and most loving for your kids in the long term? How do you imagine their experience of home changing if things stay as they are? 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time where you face some enormous and even heartbreaking challenges. 

I think we can choose, in some cases, to be 'a raiser' as opposed to 'a downer'. You definitely sound like a raiser. You've come here, which means you're trying to raise your consciousness in order to find the best way forward. A downer on the other hand may at times

• blame everyone around them to avoid raising their own consciousness, so as to figure out solutions
• put people down or bring them down in order to get their own way or serve themself. With self serving, this also includes abusive behaviour. While it serves them to vent and dictate through abuse, it doesn't serve anyone around them
• not raise themself in order to come to their senses (a sense of empathy, a sense of compassion, a sense of understanding, a sense of another person's perspective etc etc). Perhaps this is why they can appear insensitive or lacking in the ability to sense
• not raise themself to face the challenge of developing better or more conscious strategies in relationships

I could go on but I'll stop at just a handful of examples. It's not always easy to become conscious of all the reasons in regard to exactly why we feel down around other people at times.

While I admit to not being the most conscious gal in the world😁, what I do expect from others and myself is for a conscious choice to be made at crucial times. In other words it's about the choice to remain half asleep or fully asleep in certain situations or wake up. It sounds like your husband needs to wake up to how abusive and depressing he's being towards your kids before they start to really feel the depressing behaviour on a deeper level. Some people definitely aren't all that easy to wake up, that's for sure. Sometimes it takes an alarm (something alarming) to wake them up. Whether the alarm comes in the form of 'You sound just like your father/mother', 'I'm done with this relationship', screaming the words they just can't hear at normal volume (which I don't recommend, for the sake of the kids and neighbours) or it involves something else, normally something highly alarming wakes a person up. If they don't wake up or refuse to, we remain in a relationship with a friend, family member, spouse, work colleague etc who is half or fully asleep. Hard to be in this kind of relationship, while you're taking responsibility for he/she who doesn't want to wake up. ❤️

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Parents, and those in that position, have an enormous amount of power on their kids. They are in a special relationship and most often what they say is taken to heart. If it is constantly negative it cannot fail to have a deep reaction. 

That may be to take it, to argue or exhibit aggression -or seek love from you. All probably based on a growing lack of self worth and confidence.

How long do you think you can afford to let this happen?  It may be that he can be persuaded to be more even handed by family counceling and the knowledge of what he will lose if you part, however otherwise what choices do you have?

Croix