Husband cant regulate his emotions and is negative and sometimes verbally abusive

[Guest_23347732]

Been married for over 18 years and to cut to the chase my husband is someone who I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells in case I say or do something that triggers him to fly into a rage or become quite rude towards me and my family.  He's had some counselling over the years and has gotten better in the past 4 or so years despite this he still has periods of time where he is quite irrational in his emotions and it is now impacting my teenage daughter.  Just when he seems to be calmer and in control (usually lasts anywhere from 3-6 weeks) he then has periods 1-2 weeks where he is so negative, angry and sometimes verbally abusive.  He has upset my teenage daughter several times when driving her to school.  She approached the school councilor and despite thinking we might actually get some additional help via the school interjecting (to say his actions are impacting my daughter) they decided not to get involved and referred me to an organisation who contacted me telling me how to escape the marriage a.  This wasn't what I needed.  As there is no physical abuse and 80% of the time my husband is okay I've endured the relationship.  My daughter is entering year 11 and I do not what to separate at this time as I know the huge impact it would have on her life.  I'd much rather see out the next 2 years then make a decision. Is there anything in the meantime that can assist me and my daughter?  Perhaps family counselling - I feel my husband needs a professional to tell him straight that his inability to regulate his emotions is harming our daughter and myself.  When I suggest this he gas lights me and makes me feel like I'm to blame!  

[quirkywords]

Guest

i could nearly have written your post except I don’t have children at home.For me it is 60% of time ok and

40 % I am crying walking on eggshells, doubting all my actions, feeling exhausted and waiting for the next angry outburst. I am told as everyone sees he as being wonderful it is my fault he swears at me and that I am mean and rude to him.

My partner is approaching 4 score years and may have a major illness so I can’t leave. 
I see a counsellor and confide in people who understand.

Thanks for reaching out. I am listening and you are not alone.

Your daughter may want to contact kids helpline.

I think you are strong and need to look after yourself .

I find keeping a journal helps. .

[therising]

A warm welcome to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life ❤️

From one mum to another, I can understand your desire to not want to disrupt the family too much by separating at this stage of your child's life. I can relate to a relationship being intensely challenging but not unbearable. I can also relate to the desperate need for ideas, revelations or visions when it comes to the way forward. Sometimes such a need can lead us to tears.

I'm wondering whether you know why your husband experiences these periods of time where things become deeply challenging for you and your daughter. Could it perhaps relate to an inability to constructively express how he feels, creating a pressure cooker situation (where everything builds up inside of him over time and then explodes)? Could it relate to stressors outside of the family, such as with work? Could it relate to the type of family environment he was raised in? Could it relate to mental health issues such as depression and the anger that can come with that? In no way whatsoever am I looking to excuse his behaviour, it's more so about finding a reason for it. Finding a reason or reasons for the way he thinks and behaves the way he does is something that may perhaps help you express yourself. To offer an example...

While my husband tends to have a major verbal vent (as we all do on occasion when things become intolerable), it's typical of a regular cycle he goes through. Took me close to a couple of decades to work out what the cycle was about. He refuses to face emotional challenges until things become somewhat explosive. Once I came to realise what this cycle was about, I presented my findings to him in no uncertain terms. It was something along the lines of 'It is your choice to not face certain relationship challenges with myself and the kids, when such challenges present themselves. With you choosing to not face certain emotional challenges that are going to develop you and the relationships you share, do not take your choice out on us'. In other words, him choosing to bottle things up (to the point where they become explosive) is something he needs to take responsibility for. I know that may sound a little harsh to some people but based on my own experience, when it comes to managing my mental health, I've worked so hard on myself over the years. It's hard work to come to better understand our self (why we think, feel and behave in the ways we do). It's hard work when it comes to reforming our self. It's hard work when it comes to learning to develop relationships. It can involve a heck of a lot of hard work to become more conscious. To simply avoid challenges, much needed forms of self development and raising our self to higher and higher levels of consciousness is easy, in comparison. While it sounds like your husband's done some of that work, it also sounds like there is a need for more work to be done (perhaps a return to counselling). 

When we're prepared to sit down and have open minded discussions when it comes to what we or our partner are struggling with but they are not willing to have those discussions, it presents problems. For years I walked on eggshells in my marriage. It was actually my 22yo daughter who raised me to stop doing this. She pushed me to raise the bar when it comes to how I deserve to be treated. She's never tolerated her father's questionable behaviour. Even as a little kid she'd say to him 'Don't you speak to me like that!'. It doesn't sound as cheeky coming from a 22yo old. From a 22yo it sounds like self respect. She has always demanded respect from her father and would never give him respect unless he showed her respect. She set the bar from an early age. My son, on the other hand, has given me some great lessons in emotional detachment (so as not to feel the impact of other people's words and actions). My kids are 2 of my greatest teachers in life. We're a team. Perhaps the question may be 'How could you and your daughter begin working as a team, when it comes to raising each other in certain ways?'. 🙂