Husband addicted to Porn - Beyond Blue Forums - 436150

Start a discussion

FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Jump to

Start a discussion

SO I am 22 weeks pregnant and my husband has just confessed to a few things that have left me feeling like complete crap. He admitted to being admitted to pornography, specifically with fitness models involved (I am far from that), he has been regularly checking out other women he works with and he has start feeling more than an attraction to a particular person her works with. To make matters worse this is an IVF baby and he is the reason we cannot conceive naturally. We spoke about trying and he was all up for it, now he tells me he only said yes because he didn't think it would work. I am really struggling with issues of inadequacy, low self worth, low self image, like an absolute fool for thinking we were happy as this has been going on for years. I feel rejected and like complete garbage. I need help.

7 Replies 7

Der MB2016~

Welcome here to the Forum, and I'm sorry you have had to come here under such circumstances. Your husband has let you down badly and it is no wonder you are feeling inadequate, with low self image and an inaccurate view of your worth.

First off I'd like to say that the IVF process is not one for the faint-hearted, it is difficult and unpleasant and to fall pregnant is by no means a given.

You have faced that and are now going to have a baby. This is a tremendous thing, showing strength and determination -and success.

If we leave everything else to one side (difficult I know), how do you feel about the prospect of your perseverance and resultant forthcoming motherhood?

You talked with your husband, and unlike some you managed to get him to reveal things not all husbands would. A liking for pornography, the possible feelings for another at work, and not realy thinking though the idea of IVF.

I don't think you are a fool, for there to be such an honest discussion I wold imagine means there is some respect and care on his behalf, otherwise it would probably have been easier just to lie. What do you think? Similarly the happiness you had may well have some basis to it. I'm not excusing , I'm looking for positives.

Maybe I'm on the wrong track, if so please sing out.

As half of a partnership you husband may well feel attraction for others, that's hardly an issue, although I love my wife dearly I've admired others and felt attraction for some, it's part of being human. It is what he does about it that counts. By rights he should put those feelings to one side, after all he needs to regard you (and shortly the infant) as the focus of his care.

At the moment you sound the stronger member -far from garbage, the one who has done the hard yards, and the problem is to get him to do the same.

I'll not say much about porn, except I believe it to be fantasy, one that conjures up completely false ideas about intimacy and also about real human beings. It damages and is in no way a reflection on you (Yes, I know, words are not much help even if true).

Do you feel you want to continue the relationship?

If so have you considered that family counseling might be worth a try, provided you both want it to work it stands a good chance.

I'd also like to ask if you have anyone, family or friend, who you can talk with and who will simply care and support you. Facing all this along is very hard.

I'd like it if you came back and talked more

Croix

Hi Croix,

Thank you so much for your response. You brought up some very good points. As he works out where his mind was at last year when it was the pinnacle of the addiction as well as the attraction, I am getting more and more information into what really happened. Numbers were exchanges, text messages and phone calls deleted. He fantasized about dating her, she was coming out of a relationship and he thought if she was his, he would never cheat on her etc. How do I know if he truly wants this relationship to work or if hes just scared of being alone? How do you build trust up again after so much deception? I don't really know if I want to continue this relationship right now, I'm still working through my own feelings and processing everything. I feel like if I do give him a chance and he does this again, I only have myself to blame and that is the scariest thought of all. So how do I know he is willing to work on this?

That's really pretty bad on his part, what you have described, especially since he is having the problem with you two conceiving and yet you must be serious about him and the relationship. Hopefully he comes to his senses pretty fast with the baby due.

I agree with Croix that it does say something about him and the way he feels about you that he is willing to tell the truth.

You know what though, I think pornography takes away the respect and love you feel for your partner by eroding that specialness and closeness we feel in our hearts for significant other.

We don't know your partner, he might be a good guy who is just being a bit immature or maybe all of his behaviour is due to becoming a dad, maybe he's scared or realises it's serious now? I don't know I haven't been in his situation but I've always imagined that I'd be very happy to be in that situation.

I think, the most important thing for you is to focus on the health of yourself and your baby, eat as well as you can, lots of healthy foods and get some light exercise ? I don't know the guidelines but you know what I mean.

Hope you start to feel better!

Dear MB2016~

I'm afraid there is no easy answer, yes trying to rebuild the relationship is a big risk, the only thing I'd like to point out if that fails no, you do not have yourself to blame. You blame him. If you give him a chance and if he does not respond properly then he is the one at fault, not you.

So you are back to judgment calls, first of him, what is your gut feeling? Do you think he wants to be together enough to give it long-term commitment and work at it, bearing in mind he will no longer be the center of attention?

Will he in time understand you and put your welfare (and that of the child) at the top?

Also looking at yourself. There is no cut-off date when you can say "things are fixed", I'm afraid trust is so slow to rebuild, if ever. Even if things seem to be working out how much angst and fear will you have at the back of your mind in the future that the relationship is built on shifting sands? Do you think you will be able to put that to one side and have a close relationship with him again some time in the future.

Then there are the practical things, if you expect he will stay and contribute to the family that is one thing, being a single mum is another.

Sorry, I've no answers any more than you. All I've tried to do is lay out the options. I apologize for being blunt.

Bluenight gives good advice, look after your own health and welfare, hopefully at least you can control that.

You are welcome to talk here as much as you would like.

Croix

Hi and sad to hear what you had to go through.

You mentioned you did know whether to continue the relationship with him. This may sound a little scientific but if you wrote down the pros and cons of staying vs going, it might give you some idea. The alternative is time and as you said processing your feelings. It sounds you feel betrayed by his actions.

Supposing you stayed together and it did not work out - you should not feel as if it were your fault or blame. You would have given him a second chance, forgiven (?) him and trying to make it work. The unfortunate thing is that we don't know what will happen tomorrow, let alone one week or one year from now.

If you ask him whether he would change, what thoughts would you have? Would you believe him? Would you be willing to give it a go?

Is there anyone you feel you can talk to?

Tim

Is it normal for a man to fantasize his wife dying so he can start over with someone else? New information I received this morning, still processing it. Not sure how I feel apart from devastated and thinking maybe he just wants me out of his life?

Dear MB2016~

I'm very sorry to hear that, as far as I can see nobody wants someone they genuinely love and care about to be out of the way, much less die. True harsh words can be said in the middle of an argument between two who love and are close, but that sort of spur of the moment lashing out with words - while very hurtful - is a far cry from dreaming of someone's death.

So no, it is not normal, I am guessing it means he wants out without the responsibility of ending the realtionship.

I can only go by my own reaction if I was in your place, and that would be to consider the realtionship well and truly over. I stress that is just me, I expect it is too early for you to get over this shock and analyses what you feel.

Croix