How to talk to partner about porn habits negatively impacting relationship

[Illean]

Has anyone dealt with a partners porn addiction? Or with having porn addiction themselves? If so please tell me it's possible to get through it. Starting to lose hope here.

My relationship with my boyfriend is 12/10, zero complaints, except he's addicted to porn and it's effecting our sex life and my self esteem. I've tried bringing it up a couple of times. First time he was very receptive, like he'd never really thought about it before and he just realised that yeah this is a serious problem and he said he'd stop consuming porn altogether. That was harder than he thought, so he said he'd cut back instead. He did for a little while (I think, or he temporarily got better at hiding it and not doing it when I'm in the room nextdoor and see his screen when I walk past) but now he's back at it again, and he gets really defensive and agitated and tries turning it around on me as if I'm the one with the problem when I mention it "Why is it always my problem? Maybe your sex drive is too high" it's average, if not a little low. His was higher than mine when we met 18 months ago. I'm scared to talk about it now.

For the past year we're intimate 1-3 x a month, and only if I beg for it. I have zero confidence left so I've stopped initiating and I don't think he's even noticed.

I mentioned wanting to see a couple's therapist together, or asked if he'd like to go talk to someone alone, but he's not interested. Says he doesn't want "outside help" and would rather figure it out ourselves, but we can't do that since we don't seem to be able to calmly discuss it without him getting defensive and me getting upset.

I don't know how to even talk about it anymore, which is crazy because we have fantastic communication in all other areas and we get along great in general. I guess it's just the addiction aspect making him act different? Idk much about it really. I've never struggled with addiction.

How do I go about trying to calmly talk to him about this without making him feel he needs to be defensive? And without sounding like I'm accusing him of anything? I'm obviously going about it the wrong way. I don't want to make him uncomfortable at all. He really wanted to fix these issues until he realised how hard it would be, and I just wanna help him through it.

Thanks ♥️

[aussiemel]

Hi Illean,

Welcome to BB forums, I have some understanding about the porn addiction. My soon to be ex-partner had a porn addiction that I found out about a few years into our relationship when it led to other things.

Please know that you haven't done anything wrong. You have tried to discuss the problem and he tried to shut you down.

You can't force someone to seek help, they will only seek help if they want to be helped. Defensiveness is a common problem with addicts, as is blaming. You mentioned that your partner suggested that you for have a sex drive that is too high. Addicts will defend and attempt to shift the blame. They will look anywhere but at themselves.

Porn addictions and sex addictions stem from other issues, usually things that have happened earlier in life. Something in your partner is broken and you can't fix it for him, even though you want to. The only person that can fix it is your partner, and it almost always requires professional help to do so, especially when the addiction is taking over his life.

There is a lot of information available about this subject online if you google it.

In my case, I waited almost 20 years for him to change but things just got progressively worse. One thing led to another and in the end I found out he was going to prostitutes to act out his fantasies. No matter how much I tried to help, nothing worked because he didn't want help.

I decided that the only person I could help was myself and I started going to therapy. I realised that I was co-dependent because I wanted to help or fix him.

I wish you well, it's a tough journey.

Sending virtual hugs,

Mel 🙂

[smallwolf]

Hi.

Speaking to our partner about sensitive or embarrassing topic can be difficult without putting them on the defensive. At least that is what I have found - in my case it has been talking about the thoughts in my head, or suicidal ideations.

What I do is preface the conversation with some sort of disclaimer that it is not about them, it's what's in my mind etc.

And then I try to the use "I" statements rather than "you".

If you do a google search for "beyond blue porn addiction" you will find many stories similar to yours. Sadly. I could suggest to be like a scientist to find out the need for him to watch it as opposed to demanding they stop. And sometimes it may take a while to see action. I would talk to mum and dad about depression etc. and it took over a year of conversations before dad looked for help.

Hope some of this helped.

Tim