How to keep going

[V_justV]

Been married for 13 years with a happy daughter of 4 yo, it may appear that I have a happy life but I found myself struggling.

My wife and I met in uni like 17 years ago. Our relationship started and went well and we had so much happy memories.

A few years back we decided to have a child and things started to have a down turn, at least from what I feel.

We had a very tough pregnancy. She had a complication and had nausea for whole 9 months until birth. We lived through it, I cooked every day with a white list of food she can eat. I don't expect much appreciation as I understand that she feels traumatized just by thinking about that period of time.

Then baby came out, a lovely yet very demanding one. Cried all night for breast feed and mother had to stay up a lot. We lived though it but did not know how as we were both half sleepy.

Then sleep get better but the child is mentally demanding. I work full time in demanding project, the minute after work I had to jump back to bay sitting, or preparing meal if she is away at work. Then my brain keeps busy until 10 to 11, which unfortunately is my child's sleep time.After that I don't feel like doing anything or thinking about anything. I just want to stop and get detached from the real world and get by.

My wife has got a mild ADHD. Not sure if it's a blessing at a start as she is performing, has a big bandwidth and very capable, but recently does not look like blessing any more.

A example is on spending time and energy planning for my child. I like spending time with my child. We have very good relationship and do a lot of things together. I don't think a lot need to be thought / planned as we just need to give my child the conditions and make her go her own way. However my wife keeps saying I am not doing parenting but just doing baby sitting, as she plans everything (finance, schooling plan, even food choice) very very thoroughly and carefully about everything and expects me to do the same.

Recently she more and more criticize me for things I don't do up to her expectations or did not do 100% well. 

There is no positive conversation for most of evening. It almost feels like I am belittled and I feel worthless sometimes. Sex is out of question for a few months already as either I or her are so tired in late night.

I don't want to find excuses to blame her as what she does seems beneficial for the family. However I don't seem to be able to catch up with her and I struggle a lot even to understand why she does things this way, as she is fifty steps ahead. On the other hand though, I don't think her attitude is right but I don't know how to let her know my situation and feelings.

I am very tired to finish all I need to do and to give myself some relaxation in the mean time.

I am nervous that what happens if I drop the ball (small or big) and afraid how mad my unforgiving wife will become.

I struggle to see through, to understand what she wants and to make her happy, or even know whether it is possible to keep her happy with the me right now.

Not sure anyone has this kind of experience but words of help / comfort would be very much appreciated.

Thanks!

[Sophie_M]

Hey Guest_97045247,
We can hear you’re feeling overwhelmed, and don’t feel you have the energy or confidence to take the steps towards feeling better. We’re so sorry you’re feeling this way, but want you to know that by posting here, and sharing your story with our community, you’ve already taken an enormous step and shown such bravery and strength.
If you did want to reach out to Relationships Australia, you can call them on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as the one on communication in relationships.
It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat. There are also some really good pointers here for staying connected, and finding support through a trying time.
Thanks again for sharing here. We hope the words of our lovely community members above brings you some comfort through this difficult time.
Kind regards,
Sophie M

[TrueSeeker]

Hello

I'm so sorry that you're going through all that. I agree that something needs to be done as it's all too much for both of you. It seems that you both want a great life for everyone and it's getting a bit overwhelming. It gets all too much and then things start going wrong and we think that we need to do even more to make it better and unknowingly add more and more to our already big load.

Maybe finding a calm moment for both of you to sit down, acknowledge that this is not working and find an easier way to do it all. It helps to prioritise by listing things that are most important to you both and cut down on things that are not adding much to anyone's quality of life. Adding time for you both to relax and recharge is very important too so it doesn't get all too much again.

I hope that it helped a little bit as I understand that life can sometimes get all too much. It can get much better for everyone focusing only on the most important things and create the life we want

[Guest_10253]

Infancy period is mentally demanding. You are in the trenches and you should know that many of us have been there. Parenting is not meant to be clinical perfection. You know this yourself "I don't think a lot need to be thought / planned". You should be validated on this and don't doubt your intuition.

in the early 1900s in large families (say 8), the eldest child would often take mothering responsibilities and this speaks to the fact raising an infant is not rocket science, however modern western society, with its notoriously low birth rate has evolved an over intensification on 'perfect' parenting ideals as the single/two children are self-evidently precious.

"tough pregnancy"
This may speak to mums anxious state - body and mind are linked, and its not always external pathology.

"More and more criticize me for things I don't do up to her expectations or did not do 100% well.
There are heightened levels of Mothers need is focussed on care and protection. The hormones are also a turbulent during breastfeeding, and the period may subside.

"I struggle a lot even to understand why she does things this way", "she plans everything" "make her happy. "I don't expect much appreciation" "We make things more difficult" "I am nervous that what happens if I drop the ball (small or big) and afraid how mad my unforgiving wife"
Your right as a father to be equally involved in decisions, this can be viewed as controlling. You need to be careful that your views are not suppressed so far as to cause a depressive state. All these statements speak to an intense focus on the mothers view and its important to vent your feelings to fellow fathers, read books by other fathers surviving the infant stage and journal your thoughts.

"I work full time in demanding project"
"Sex is out of question", "After that I don't feel like doing anything or thinking about anything" "struggle to see through"
Libido can become suppressed with the difficulties in this period and you should foster it in things you enjoy doing. Any kind of flow state activity - drawing, riding, exercise.

clean out your diet, take regular exercise, actively seek means of validating your views, take valerian forte (herbal) for sleeping, investigate work-provided counselling. Mainly stay true to yourself and your thoughts, this will offset the difficulties rather than it worsening