How to identify what is depression or what is lack of interest

scully78 · ‎11-11-2019

Hello, I recently met a man who I think is really kind and sweet. We have had only one date together and were in daily contact via text message ever since. He told me he suffers depression and ptsd due to recent trauma. We met up about 3 weeks ago and his messaging has decreased, especially in the last week. I messaged him 3 days ago and haven't heard back from him. We are not in a relationship and are still at the friendship stage, but how do I know if him ignoring my message Is a sign of disinterest or his depression? He seemed very interested at first and was planning to do things together in the future, but nothing has eventuated. Now communication is scarce and I don't know what to do. I know he is struggling and probably needs space, so I won't message him back until he responds to my last text, in which I made my interest in him clear. Have I potentially scared him off? How do I know if im being a burden? How do I know he even wants to keep communicating with me. I know he has been online, but isn't reading my last message and this isn't the first time he has done this. Its the second in 3 weeks. Is that a bad sign?

scully78 · ‎26-11-2019

Hey Geoff,

Thank you for your help too. Its been a rough few weeks and you are right. Every time my phone rings I do hope its him. I definitely need to move on from this experience. He is dealing with his own issues right now so it doesn't sound like im on his mind at all. Thank you for your insight too. You've been very helpful.

Kind regards,

Scully78

scully78 · ‎22-12-2019

Hi Croix,

There has been some development in the situation. Not long after I posted this, he started to show up at the gym during my training times, but he still hasn't read any of my messages. He greeted me with a hug and made an effort to spend a little time with me in that first week. That was a month ago now and I still see him there every week. He hangs around during my sessions and comes close, I think in an effort to talk, but I get nervous now and I can see he is nervous too. He is friends with my trainer, so he is coming out of hiding and socialising, which is great. But I tried to ask him for a coffee last week and he said no as it meant I had to leave the gym and come back and he didn't want to be a burden. So, I've decided not to ask him for coffee again, but is this something I should take as a rejection? Also, he deleted his old instagram account as his ex (who was the cause of his ptsd) was harassing him on it. This week I noticed he started up another account, but hasn't invited me to join. He has invited everyone at the gym except me. Is this a red flag?

Conversation has dissipated over the last few weeks, as I have nothing to talk about. I am not sure what to do or how to interpret his behaviour. He hangs around the gym, always says hi and goodbye. I think he is making an effort by hanging around in the hope that I will talk to him, but its making me anxious and im acting so weird around him. He is also acting strange. Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do to either move things along or calm things a little. Do I give up on him and move on or give him some time. This instagram thing is really hurtful and im not sure what to think of it other than exclusion. But for what reason? We were friends with his old deleted account. Why wouldn't he want me with his new account.

Thank you!

Scully78

Clear82 · ‎22-12-2019

I am going through a similar situation now too. The guy ive been dating for the past month has decided he decides when we catch up and is going away for next 2 weeks and didn’t want to see me before he goes. I don’t want to be treated this way and I know I deserve better. And after reading your post I know you deserve better too!

Yes it bloody hurts and it’s so hard to not text him and especially cause I didn’t reply to his last message.

But what I do when I want to say something to him or say what he has down to hurt me and lead me on, I add it to a notebook app on my phone, rather than texting him directly.

Great ted talk to - how to fix a broken heart by Guy winch

scully78 · ‎23-12-2019

Hey Clear82,

Im really sorry he makes you feel this way and I can definitely relate. It is so confusing. Im not dating this man, Im not sure if he is either ready or even interested
(though I suspect he is interested). So im in a perpetual state of confusion. But he is a lovely man and for this reason, I think I probably need to be patient and see if things progress.

One thing I know about men with mental health issues is that you have to understand things from their perspective. They struggle sometimes and that would be really hard, but unfortunately, that can put the other person in the same state. They find it hard to control the illness.
But I think if the man behind the illness is worth the effort, then we need to be patient. If you decide he isn't worth the emotional rollercoaster as its too hard for you, then maybe he isn't the right man. Your mental health is just as important and if you aren't compatible, then you aren't compatible.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope things work out for you.

Scully78

Croix · ‎23-12-2019

Dear Scully78~

I think after reading your last couple of post you would like there to be a relationship, perhaps that is coloring your thinking.

OK so he turns up at the gym, maybe that means you have some significance for him. Then again he does not include you in his social media - but does everyone else. Also the coffee invite. You are back to mixed signals.

One of the things I noticed is that you say "as I have nothing to talk about". Perhaps you have run dry. without constant and affectionate input of one sort or another (does not have to be all talk) you have moved away and maybe that is a good thing.

It is one thing for mental illness to strike an established couple, another to start a realtionship with mental health a problem from the outset. Frankly you could turn into a nurse. Would you want that?

You could wait and see if his illness improves to the extent you have and equal relationship -able to rely upon each other, then that would be a different matter. My wife found my PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression was extremely hard, and that was with the constant help of her mum. I'm pretty sure most people would take a more realistic view and realized they were being dragged down too.

Sorry, none of that is much help, however it your decision how you spend your life, there are never guarantees.

Croix