How to go on when there is little left?

[Belindaam]

My ex husband decided many years ago that he no longer loved nor cared about me, but unfortunately forgot to let me in on his decision. So here I am, after a 26 year marriage feeling like everything that I have worked for and cared about, now amounts to nothing. I do not have a career to fall back on, as I looked after my child, the home, my husband and worked only part time for the last 18 years. My husband was unfaithful to me 8 years ago, but we decided to work to save the marriage, and I did, but he didn’t. Life went on until 2 years ago when I found out that he was cheating on me again. I kicked him out, and instead of the standard feelings of remorse, he was instead very angry. In the years of our marriage he never commented me on anything, spent little time with me or his daughter, and was away with work regularly. I thought that friends and family would side with me, but instead they have sided with him, even though I have never lied to him, did everything for him, and supported him through two sackings with work and a failed business. I feel so betrayed by him, by friends and family but most importantly by my child who, even though she has seen him both physically, emotionally and verbally abuse me over many years, has decided that she will not take sides. I am now left to try and sell the family home, but need to fix it up before then. I will hopefully be able to move closer to my daughter who is now in another state at uni, but am feeling overwhelmed by the situation. I am struggling to pay the mortgage, have few friends and little support. He has now become Mr Popular, with his friends lining him up with dates, having a full social life and having little responsibility. I feel like That I have been treated like the perpetrator not the victim. He sees his daughter only once every 3 weeks if that, yet seems to have everyone fooled that he is a good father. I feel like I have lost my best friend, my daughter, friends and family and am stuck with every possible responsibility. Some days I struggle to get out of bed and cannot see a way out of this misery. I cannot believe that he has turned on the one person who was always there for him. I have no self esteem, no belief in myself and no idea how I can possibly improve my situation. I am still crying like it happened just yesterday, even though it has been two years. Please, does anyone have any advice as I am really struggling to function each day

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Belindaam,

Great to see you posting on the Beyond Blue forum and reaching out to what sounds like has been a really difficult time. I am sorry that you are experiencing so much pain. Relationship breakdowns are never easy. It sounds like it is time to start looking inwards and focusing on your own growth, your healing, your interests etc. You are not alone and there is support out there for you. You can recover and feel good again.

A good first step would be to make an appointment with your GP. If you are comfortable, you could ask the receptionist to make a mental health appointment. This way you are given a longer appointment so you have extra time to talk about what has been going on for you. If you don't feel comfortable talking with your GP, you could bring a support person with you to the appointment. Sometimes this helps ease worry and assures that you don't miss anything. You could also write down your story for your GP to read.

Feeling loss after a relationship is common. With loss there are many stages such as shock, denial, sadness, anger and acceptance. These happen at different times and can take different lengths of time to get through. Sometimes people get through these on their own and sometimes people need a guide. This guide is often in the form of a psychologist or counsellor. They can help you work through all the feelings you are experiencing. Your GP can make a referral for you to see a psychologist.

Practically speaking, a psychology appointment can take some time as there can be waitlists. There are other options such an online resource called Mindspot that works with people experiencing depression and anxiety. You can read about it here www.mindspot.org.au

Another option is the developed by Beyond Blue program called NewAccess for people with low mood and worry. You don't need a GP referral however it is only available in some parts of Australia. You can find out if it is in your area and read about the program by going to the website https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/newaccess

The Beyond Blue support line is always an option 24/7. You can call today on 1300 22 4636 and it might just be the support you need to take the next step.

It can take time and some energy to do this recovery work towards healing, so be gentle on yourself during the process. Healing is a journey and everyones length of time to heal is unique.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

[quirkywords]

Belindaam,

welcome to the forum. Nurse Jenn has given very helpful suggestions that I will not repeat.

I understand after a long marriage of you devoting time to your family and that now you will feel let down.

Children will often treat parents evenly even though you feel hurt .

I think after all these years of caring for your husband and daughter you need to care for yourself and get support and help.

I look after yourself and feel free to post here when you want to.

Quirky

[therising]

Hi Belindaam and a warm welcome to you!

Life can definitely deal us some brutal blows at times. Such a blow may eventually be dealt to folk who have been nudged here and there over time in regard to seeking an alternative job. The job becomes so stressful and all consuming that it eventually leads to a heart attack, a forced change on a path to greater well-being. Another massive blow may come at the end of a relationship or lifestyle which may have seen hints of discontent along the way. Either way, the day that shocking slap in the face comes, we can be left with that feeling of 'Where am I? Who am I? What time is it? What day is it?'

Where am I? At the crossroads of intense change.

Who am I? I am a person seeking direction, on a new path of independence and responsibility.

What time is it? It's time to seek new skills as I learn to navigate a path I've not taken before. Yes, it can also be a time of fear as I learn to gradually trust in my true abilities.

What day is it? It's the day when I being searching for a sense of self I am perhaps unfamiliar with.

Of course, all this sounds pretty philosophical but, to tell you the truth, it's coming from a place I can relate to myself. I've been stagnating a little (a lot actually), hoping things would take an upward turn in various parts of my life, all on their own. I've now started telling myself that if that old reliable network I've had throughout life just isn't cutting the mustard anymore, it's time to establish a new network that's going to serve me now.

Perhaps, for you, it could include

• A GP and/or mental health professional (if you've found yourself in a place of depression)
• A real-estate team that can guide you in the direction of selling your home whilst giving you advice on how to fix it up the cheapest and best way possible. They may even advise not spending a penny on it for one reason or another
• Financial/government support; finding out if you are entitled to any Centrelink benefits or you may decide on a short term boarder to help bump up the income.
• A social/interest group of sorts, including people who you can relate to regarding your situation. Could be a hobby type group or a spiritualist group or something along those lines.

You may be able to think of other people or groups to add to the network.

At a time of great change to your identity, perhaps you can begin your transition by redefining yourself as a skill developer and networker. Whilst your ex plays, you grow!

xxxx