How do i let the only bio-logical family I have left go?

whiteXXwolf · ‎26-11-2017

This is my first time writing on a forum so I'm not sure where to startand, unfortunately, i ran out of character very fast

I am 27 in under a month and I've been in a toxic environment my whole life. I grew up extremely poor with both parents heavily addicted to injecting methamphetamine among other drugs so I was constantly subject to a neglect, malnourishment, abuse and at both houses holds (if you could call them that) just in different ways. My biological mother split from my father when I was three years old shortly after giving birth to a daughter. At 13 my father returned to the state so I jumped ship straight away as i knew even at that age my mother didn't really want me. We lived in a horrible poor environment from 13 -14 moving constantly, hiding my father from the police, him not coming home for days, him and his friends stealing and pawning anything I had. But I still felt so much more loved around that than i ever did around my mother. When i was nearly 15 my father was sent to jail for a home invasion among other things so I was left living alone but was forced to return to my mother when I was kicked out. He got out about a year later and a few month later died and was once again abandoned as she didn't want me originally and this was just more for her so I was left living alone at 16. I had dropped out school after that as I didnt have a place to live let alone worry about school. I had a hard 8 years but decided i wouldnt become them and started to study to go to university after 5-6 years of trying i was finally accepted to one in a diffent state so I packed up and moved asap, and a month before i was to start i had a seizure and broke my back in a place i knew noone. I was in hospital for a long time and not one person called to see if I was alive, could walk, nothing. I knew then that noone loved me but kept denying it as i didnt want to see the truth.

There is so much more and so much more she has done to me but I couldn't write it.

I dont have any friends and shes the last of my family so I guess i keep trying to ignore all the things she's done and pretend they havnt happened or arnt as bad as they are. She recently betrayed me again after I tried to reconcile with her and i think that was the last I coud take. I dont think I love her anymore, I just dont know how to let go because its the last thing I have and ive tried so hard for so long to make it work even though i know shes evil and its wrong.

white knight · ‎27-11-2017

Hi ww, welcome

Well, having read your story I'm in awe of your courage. You may not realize how brave you are.

You had a hamd dealt to you. Thats not your fault

Now you have an option, improve your life, put your dealt hand behind you and kick goals. If you end up with your own kids you'll want for them a much better life than the one you had.

So, make a plan. Set about finding a place you xan live in happiness but, dont allow blood family to ruin your life.

Stand proud.

Tony WK

geoff · ‎27-11-2017

hello White wolf, your story makes me feel so awful, what you had to go through was only horrendous, shocking and so disappointing, I definitely feel for you and how sorry I am for you for what you had to endure.
Absolutely no one should ever have to go through any of this, it's totally inexcusable and irresponsible, I am so sorry for you in every way possible.
My concern is that you may have epilepsy, although I'm not qualified to say, it's only because I have this illness and know what seizures can do to you, so if you could be tested for this so that these seizures will stop, it's just so important so you can begin to eliminate one problem, one at a time.
Your wish to reconcile with your mum probably won't happen, I'm so sorry to say, but please don't be dejected because you have friends here, and hope you will allow me to be your first.
I'm not sure about the condition of your back so please can you let me know and also please tell us whatever else has happened in what a terrible life you have had to live.
I'd love to hear back from you. Geoff. xx

Sad_Mushroom · ‎27-11-2017

Hi whitewolf

You've done an amazing job of making it this far. Surviving. Good on you!

My mother left when I was born. She was an alcoholic. I couldn't even stay with her on holidays. Nothing as horrible as you have suffered but I was in the same sort of position on whether to keep trying to mend things with her or walk away from her and not look back. I think most of all I kept trying because I wanted (needed) to believe that she loved me. I walked away. I kept thinking and hoping she would 'follow' me and love me but she never did. It broke my heart and my soul. I used to think 'if my mother can't love me, who else will?'

The answer is LOTS of people! There are hundreds of people all with love to share and give but while you are in a toxic situation, it's hard to look outside the borders of that toxicity.

I realised when I got older that my mother did love me. She just had her own problems, probably some MH issues and was relying on alcohol to remove her demons. She couldn't see the love because her own existence was toxic. Instead of hating her now, or feeling abandoned by her I just feel sorry for her.

You have been through enough though. It's time to work on YOU and find your happy existence. After everything you have been through you owe that much to yourself. You are obviously strong, you have survival and coping skills and you know enough, to know it's time to walk away.

Making the decision is the hardest part. Once you do and a safe happy life starts to build around you, you will wonder why you ever waited so long. Talking about it will help to flush the toxicity out and help you find the YOU underneath, so please don't be a stranger.

You have friends here!

SM

whiteXXwolf · ‎29-11-2017

Hi Sad_Mushroom

thank you for your words it really does help to talk to people that understand because I just feel so alone, especially looking at everyone that's got a family, knowing that my birthday is in two weeks and seeing all the family thing about Christmas it's like a kick to the heart every time. I've had an even worse few day since Sunday than my normal life no surprise it involved my mother. I've tried to write what happened when I replied to geoff above you but I wrote out the situation that happened on notepad and it was much longer than the character limit here so I had to send it in in three replies so I'm hoping it goes through or ill try again.

I'm really sorry about your mother too but it's nice to know there are others with the same sort of problems, especially when society tell you that no matter what a mother always loves their child unconditionally which just makes me feel so confused, like why am can someone kill someone and their mother still loves them no matter what but just for being born im not loved, I just don't know whats wrong with me. I've had a lot of people betray me that where meant to love me and I don't have anyone now so I know there's probably someone who would like me but I just don't feel it right now,

Thank you so much its really nice to talk to people who will listen and understand finally, people that have or are going through the same stuff

Sophie_M · ‎30-11-2017

Hi whiteXXwolf, we've sent you an email about your posts - the character limit is in place to give our members the best chance to have their stories read and absorbed. Our users tell us they are more likely to skim over long posts and be frightened off by too much writing all at once. We want to make sure you keep getting replies.

The 2,500 character limit gives you enough space to fill an A4 page, and we feel this gives enough space to be read in one sitting and easily responded to. We'd encourage you to treat this thread like a conversation and allow more of your story to come out in replies to others as the discussion unfolds.

whiteXXwolf · ‎30-11-2017

hi Geoff

thank you all so much for the messages that mean a lot and i really appreciate it.

Thanks for the concern about epilepsy, I did have a few brain scans when i was first sent to hospital after breaking my back and they said they couldn?t find anything but because i was just some abandoned kid I was the last priority for them (I had someone with a sprained toe next to me when i was first sent in and because he had all this family complaining for him he got priority over me, even though the hospital didn?t know if I was ever going to walk again, so i dont really trust their diagnosis.

I fractured three vertebrae and one is a compression collapsed fractured so its almost gone completely, ive lost an extreme amount of hight, my mobility is like a sick 100 year old i was told after seeing my pain specialist on Thursday last week. I cant run, cook and i cant really do anything and I just dont have anyone that cares to help me and the medical system has just failed me. I was in a B.O.B brace for 6 months that wasn?t made correctly so none of injuries didn?t heal I complained a dozen times to the orthotics people at the hospital who where in control of that but they blamed it on me saying that I was too thin so it they couldn?t do anything. So i decided to geta quote from a private orthotic place because it didn?t seem right and he inspected me and the brace they had made and said they had done a terrible job and wrote done a list of thing that could be done to fix it and asked me to take it back to the people at the hospital for them to do it as he knew I?m really poor and couldn?t afford him, so I took it back to the hospital, gave them the note and asked if they could please please fix it and they just seem to get made that someone was question their profession and said ?we have done all we can? even though I had just handed them an extensive list of things they could do to fix the brace, so I just ended up leaving in a broken brace that cut me really bad and gave me swelling and bruising that was so bad. I was offed no rehab and was just handed an extreme amount of medication so I just deteriorated even further, losing so much muscle and everything else.

I wrote a reply last night but it was rejected for being too long. I had another really bad incident with mu biological mother that ill try and summarise in another reply, it was really hard to write what I had happened so I'll try my best to describe it.

Melvah · ‎01-12-2017

Hi WhiteWolf,

I'm so sorry about your family situation. That really sucks. If you want to talk more about it, there are people willing to listen, myself included.

I can't believe that happened in the hospital. Have you been able to access any other specialists? Sometimes the private ones have bulk-billing for low income patients, and it might be worth trying to get someone who you're comfortable with who can treat you without private payment, especially with all the difficulties you've had with your current brace. Maybe you could try and transfer to another hospital for outpatient care?

As to your ADLs (cooking, cleaning, getting dressed etc.) most hospitals have a social worker who can help hook you up with some services to come help you where you're living at the moment. Might be worth a try. It won't magically fix things, but might make it a bit easier for you.

You said you can't run - is that something you enjoy doing? Sometimes when I can't run, I can go for a walk, or at least be outside with trees and things. It's not the same, but I try and pretend that by going slower I can appreciate the view more.

Best of luck - you seem to have a lot on your plate right now

Guest_1584 · ‎01-12-2017

Hey ww.

God you've had a rough time haven't ya , so sorry for everything that's gone on , and that damn hospital, can only scratch my head at people and the bs out there sometimes. l hope people here can offer more suggestions on that and for everything else too.

l know it's not the same but l have a massive family and they're all huggy huggy but have all betrayed me too in one way or another and yaknow , most of the time they don't even realize it. People ! there's not one honestly l could turn to or that would just offer. maybe l expect too much but often l'd rather be without them at all and living on the other side of the world or just disappear or something.so don't worry it's far from true what they say about family also .

l hope your ok and your getting better. stick around eh .

Sad_Mushroom · ‎02-12-2017

Hi whitewolf,

Glad to see you again. Thanks for your reply.

I just read your posts and see nothing seems to be getting much better for you...YET!!! Hopefully, having some friends to talk to (starting here) will begin to help.

I'm usually around on the weekends so will keep my eye out just in case you pop back in.

SM