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How do I help my partner and myself?

Community Member
My partner has decided to leave me due to her battle with depression. I still cant believe that it has come to this, as we have had a plutonic relationship. She has said that she cannot put love into me if she can't do it to herself. I understand that you need to love yourself before loving another, but even though I've said ill be here for her and do whatever I have to do for her, she still believes that this is the right answer.Honestly, I feel like a part of me has been ripped out and yes, I would do anything for her so she can get the help in which she needs however at the same time i want her to be here with me. Is this selfish?One day she loves me and the next she decides this is the best decision for her so she can seek help.She has made plans to see her doctor and I'm glad she told me this. The decision wasn't made overnight, but she never mentioned anything about it to me over the past few weeks. Yes, i noticed her change and she had previously said to me thats the needed her space. I went from seeing her everyday and enjoying the things that we both love and brought us together, to seeing her once a week and now none.I honestly don't know what to do. She means the world to me and it hurts so much not only for me with how I'm feeling right now, but to see her suffer like this and for it to make her push me away.Do I seek help? My whole world changed for the good because of her, and for that I'm grateful. But now I sit at home alone and wish she was there to walk up behind me and give me that kiss and say she loves me.We had big plans for the future, as a couple and dreams like all of us have. I just feel helpless.I've never felt this way about anyone in my life, and like a flash she’s gone.Yeah I want her to get the help she needs and for her to feel like a normal person again. Yes one day i’d love to hear the doorbell ring and she’s standing at the door, i would greet her with open arms.I don’t care how long have to wait, i will be waiting for her and i hope she knows that.
58 Replies 58

Hi C.M Hope you're feeling a bit better now. I'm so sorry for everything that happened. I agree, life sometimes seems to kick you when you're at your lowest. I'm sure your gf knows and appreciates how hard you fought to help her. As Geoff said having experienced this, it hopefully will make you stronger. Try not to think too bad of her, if you can accept she has an illness which has 'taken 'over, it might make it easier to understand. I know, at the moment, your emotions are all over the place, as are hers, but in a different way. Please know we'll always be here.


Geoff and Lynda, yes I assume it will make me stronger. I know she's trying to get herself on the right path and I'm dealing with a lot thats been put on me. I will never resent her for this, I'm just upset that it actually came to this. I still haven't had a cigarette and am on a good diet and have plans for the gym. Im doing all I can for me. It all comes back to I wish she let me be there with her.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my GP so maybe we can talk it out a bit and go from there.

My thoughts and mind are the cause of a lot of my problems, keep thinking go everything we had and how happy we were and seeing photos etc. I get really down when that happens, I had a very low moment yesterday were I nearly broke down. My love was pure and it's hard for me to realise that it's over.

Well its been nearly 2 weeks and I've been keeping to myself and trying to get back on track with life. Unfortunately tonight I had a breakdown. Knowing that my ex partner is on her road to recovery, that is all. There isn't much or any at all communication. The relationship is finished, I have collected all my belongings and am now back to a single bed. I took a week off work last week as I have had no motivation for anything. I have had barely any sleep for a week and a bit, do to the fact when I'm in bed, I'm waiting for her to roll over and kiss me. That is on repeat every night. Tonight was just a memory flood, of everything we had and how happy we were.

Friday night was the worst night I've had. I seen things, jumped to conclusions, still don't believe I have but have been told I did. Friday night was that bad that I was prepared to go the furthest you can and at the moment my phone rang and it was a friend checking in on me. This person saved my life.

Even though I'm in a world of pain, I don't hate her. I'm sorry she can't enjoy what life has to offer. Maybe she doesn't want to, but she knew how much of a commitment I made to get thus far. For all of it to crumble down, same goes for my heart. Depression is a huge factor of what has happened, maybe not entirely the problem, but enough to pretty much push two people apart who loved each other. I wish the world for her, but now its time for me to commence my path to redemption.

My counsellor believes I am grieving, which yes I do believe, however I do have a lot of underlying thoughts and actions that I haven't brought up. Not eating, no motivation, no sleeping, anger, regret and the list goes on a bit more. I know one day I may or will feel happy again and there is a possibility that I will live like this forever, but this is all a new experience, seeing how depression can affect someone so much they throw away a relationship with someone they were happy with and to most likely one day regret all of it. Im sorry she and other people out there suffer like this, I wish there was more someone like myself could do.

This is my story and its only just beginning.

hi CM, it's really nice to hear back from you even though the circumstances are not what you had wished for, and personally know how you are feeling, but for me there was nothing I could have done for my ex to reconsider what she had choosen to do, but now I still have a soft spot for her, but a reunion would never happen.
You were very lucky that you had a mate ring you at that critical time and maybe it was a case of deja vu, but we have to try and help you get over this even though there will be memories, sad and good, but please talk to your counsellor about PTSD because your love for her will still be there until you are ready to move on.
Put the radio on at night this will stop your mind from wondering, and now are you strong enough to start talking about those 'underlying thoughts', because these are what are keeping you down, and this is what happens when people try and overcome depression by themselves, because these dark thoughts you won't be able to rationalise by yourself, as your mind will keep going around and around.
Stay with us CM and let us know how you are feeling. Geoff.

Hi C.M Your counsellor is right about the fact that you're grieving. You had so much love for this girl, who I believe still loves you. The saddest part is, when you lose someone through death, it hurts, but the hurt is a different kind. Knowing you will never see them again, somehow makes the grief process less painful because you know the person who passed is no longer in pain themselves. When the relationship ends through separation, the thought that you may see the person again - possibly with a new partner, makes it more painful. Also with grief the emotions you are experiencing are all part and parcel, anger, hurt, betrayal etc, these are all part of the grief process and have to be worked through slowly. Keep seeing your counsellor, write things down as you remember, hurt because she wouldn't talk to you, guilt because you're angry, you have a right to feel anger. How much you love her, how you wanted to care for her. Above all, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to cry and feel the emotions. Don't try to deny these emotions, they're important in order to heal and eventually, let go. As Geoff said keep your radio on, watch t.v. Try to keep your mind active. Punch the pillow when the anger overpowers you, the pillow won't fight back, nor feel the anger and pain.


Geoff and Lynda you are both correct. Ive been dealing with this everyday since it all happened. Now nearly 2 months later, not a day goes by where I don't stop thinking and remembering. I miss all the moments we shared, all the memories we had and thats what kills me the most. I get that everyone has their own life and need to travel down different paths and I'm sad that she couldn't do that with me. Writing this down helps me but there are days when i can't even do that. I can honestly say though that I know I put in as much effort and time well wasted into her to build what we had. Im sorry I couldn't provide anymore then I could, I gave everything I had to offer.

Really it comes down to how much I miss her, the pain I feel, emotions I go through, it is hard but I know she would want me to be strong, because thats whats I would want for her. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and Ill always be thankful for that.

Hey CM

I was about to pack up and noticed your post. We have spoken a few times and I respect and understand what you are going through. Your partner was everything to you and everywhere you look you see her.

I still know the feeling. It sucks. I wont mention that time will heal this as you know that anyway.

Have you heard how she is going?

you are not alone here CM.....I am really sorry for the heartache you are going through. It sounds like you have done everything (more than) you could have possibly do to keep everything together.

I know its not much consolation but we are still here for you CM....I hope you can have some rest and peace soon


hi CM, it's been a few days since we have heard from you, and when people say 'no news is good news' is not how I take it to be and don't agree with that saying.
The good times you both had will be with you for ever or for how long you want them to be, for me I still have some with my ex, but people tell me to 'get over it', but that's up to me whether I do or don't, but if I do get hold of these past dreams I have to realise that they are now past, they can't be brought back again, and like you, at first it upset me, but now realise that we couldn't live together anymore, even though she was my first love in life.
It's always hard for you to let go, times you remember and want back but that's not what she wants, but that doesn't mean that you have to forget the good times, because that's how you want to remember with the knowledge that it won't happen again. Geoff.

Today is a grim day. I sent her a letter after thinking about it for a while and this afternoon received a text from her telling me to never contact her again. She has said that I make her resent me, I make her feel horrible. She wishes I could see her pain. She's said that I destroy her. My letter was based on me telling her that I am here no matter what she needs to do or whatever path she needs to take. I haven't spoken to her in a week and now its all gone. Honestly, I feel the worst I have ever felt. If it wasn't for me talking here or to a friend I wouldn't be doing neither. I can't hold anymore pain. I thought I was doing the right thing as this is hard enough for me already. Now she's cut all ties, blocked me in every aspect. She has read my letter wrong and I shouldn't have sent it. Now I am going to have to live with all of this on my shoulders knowing I have destroyed everything.