how do i get help

[Ricardo2]

I have been married for almost 20 years and have 3 beautiful kids. in the past few months i have had a bad run with work and i have been feeling down. i think it is depression but am not sure.

i do not feel like doing anything with my wife and do not have any intimacy feelings and it is is effecting our marriage. i have no idea why i do not feel like it any more. and i have always been a person that bottles up my feelings.

i do not think that i have a good father son relationship with my 15 year old. As i do not feel comfortable talking openly with him, as my parents never talk to us when we were growing up. my wife has complained about the a number of times too. But i find that the kids here are more advanced an knowledgable that i was when i was his age. as i grew up over seas.

i do not want my marriage to end as i think we have a lot to offer the kids together as mum and dad than a broken family

where do i get help from

[16ShadesofBlue]

Your letter is perfect. Made me cry too.
I am going through a rough patch with my husband (he is suffering with mental health issues) and a letter like this would have meant the world to me on my last birthday. It may have changed the way we started communicating.
I hope she has a good Birthday (staying in is not all bad!) and I hope that she can see how much you love her want to help her and how much you need her to help you. I hope you find support in each other. Best wishes moving forward. And that is what you are doing. Moving in the right direction!

[Ricardo2]

Sorry my last post was meant to be Hi Guys for the two response I received.

Hi 16shadesofblue am sorry to hear about your Husband. and I hope my wife will see it the same way you are. for some reason I can send text and write stuff to her but I cannot talk to her. I just cannot seam to get to talk. I drive 60km each way to and from work. and that drive makes me depressed and I do not like my job and my new manager. and I was the manager in one organization and after the merger I lost my job as the manager and was given a very junior position. I took it as I didn't want to be without a job. but my new manager has no experience in the industry we are in and he steels all my ideas and takes the credit.

every day on my drive home I keep saying am going to talk to her and explain things but when I get home I freeze. and he is so unhappy and I do not feel like talking to her.

why do we men do not like to communicate with our partners? I hope your husband will get the idea od writing to you one day.

I must say thee messages really do help but unless my wife accept it. it will be all useless.

am sure he is mad with me coz I sent her flowers to work for her birthday as she did not text me and say anything. may be she has not even read the letter.

I do not like this time of the day and it is about the time I have to leave my little unhappy work world to go home and see my unhappy wife:(

[SubduedBlues]

Hola Ricardo2

Supongo tu habla Español, but let's stick with Inglés so everyone else can understand and participate.

I enjoyed the letter which you wrote, it was very touching. May I suggest that if she hasn't responded that you not endeavour to pry information or response from her regarding it. If your wife is introverted like you seem to be, it is quite possible that she will internalize the letter for sometime and allow it to slowly shape or change her view of your marital situation.

May I suggest something. Something that I recommend to many people who are having marital issues and looking to refind that something between them. Being married it is easy to take each other for granted, but back before we were married, when we were dating, there was hope and promise, and looking to impress each other and make them happy. Thus, I strongly recommend that you find an evening or two, or more if there is time, each month where you date your wife. The whole nine yards. When you go to pick her up to go out, even though it is your home together, instead of walking in, ring the doorbell, be standing on the doorstep with flowers in hand. Be the 16 year old boy hoping for a first kiss.

SB

[Ricardo2]

Hi SB

thank you for you comments, and yes I would agree on what you are saying. But when you have a wife that only judge you with the few things you do wrong and not the things that you do wright it is a bit one sided. we have spoken about our issues and I decided to see a Christian counsellor that was recommended to us by another family that where in a similar situation like ours. it was recommended for us to see them separately. I made the time and went and it did help me but my wife went once and not been since. after her first and only visit she told me that it helped her, specially to work on her relationship with our 15 yo son. but then she did not go again. when I brought it up this time, she say that it has not done anything for me so why should she waste her time. she refuses the see the point that I cannot change unless she is willing to change as well.

On the weekend she had another yelling match with our 15yo and the poor boy was sobbing and it came to a point that he yelled and her and said he didn't want her to be his mum anymore. if was heart breaking and I intervened and told him that he needed to go to his room and cool down and then apologise to his mother for speaking like that to her. At one stage she had told him that they will be better off if I moved out, I think that is what pushed him over the edge. After this incident the best thing came out as I reconnected with him and we talked for about 2 hours in his room, that I have not done in all his life.

I let him cry on my shoulder and told him it was ok to cry. we spoke so much and he opened out to me so much I could not believe it and I actually said sorry to him for not talking to him like this in the past. he spoke about his frustrations dealing with mum and how affair it is that she is taking out her anger on him. ( I had to explain to him that mum was anger with me and her sister and that is why she is so unhappy at the moment) we spoke about his school work and he told me what he liked and disliked and his frustration with his sport and just random stuff. I think he loved it and I made him a promise that I will be closer to him and we will work together and told him that there is help and if he needed it to let me know and I will get help for him.

I really need to convince my wife to get help and to lover her expectations on me and the kids.

my son had picked a picture with the words "Happiness is by choice not by Chance" and he was writing about it for school