How can I help my husband

[Tbrown]

We have a new child only 4 months and ever since we found out we were pregnant my husband became very stressed wondering how we will cope financiallly and how our relationship will survive. I reassured him constantly and seemed to have calmed him however lately he has really become quite depressed. He says it’s nainly his work but also caring for our daughter. I do every feed so he is not losing sleep and he is at work every day while I care for her. When he arrives home I am very careful not to throw her onto him and allow him to relax before I suggest a cuddle. When she cries he finds it hard to cope as he says he hates that he can’t settle her. Every time she cries now I take her straight away to save him the stress. I am constantly tiptoeing aroundhim anf trying to do so much to keep him happy- I never ask for much and e courage him to go out to footy etc. it is taking its toll though- he just snapped at me with tears in his eyes when I asked him why he was so down. He says I ask him all the time and he’s sick of explaining it’s his job and that he never ever gets any downtime. I know how he feels because I am the same but that’s what happens when you decide to be a bloody parent! I don’t know how to help him anymore I just do t know what to do. It’s been almost a year of this change in him and i miss us so much. He has had 2 sessions with a psychologist but then he decided he was getting better. I am honestly at a dead end I don’t know what to do.

[Croix]

Dear Tbrown ~

Welcome to the Forum, you sound at the end of your tether and out of ideas. Before anything else can I ask if there people to support you, parents, family, a freind perhaps? Trying to deal with bub and a husband all at the same time is an awfully big load to carry.

When an offspring comes along it is a financial worry, I found it so, and everything is completely unsettled - and hard work. Both partners, not just the mother, have to accept this.

Baby crying is designed (I believe ) to evoke a response that leads to stress, but the only way I know for this to become less is to persevere. If your husband is relieved of the baby whenever he cannot get the crying to stop that gives him no skills, and accustoms baby to only rely upon mum, making matters worse.

He is lucky not to do a 2am bottle feed. It is as much his job to keep you happy as it is yours to keep him happy. If you encourage footy for him, what does he encourage for you?

I will say that if your husband is clinically depressed as I have been, then being asked if you are ok or what's wrong can produce a very negative reply. I was often cross and resentful as a result. A by-product of the illness I'm afraid.

Even if someone has a mental condition, such as depression, then they still need to recognize the fact and take steps to make things as good as possible - for everyone. In your husband's case that sounds as if he should persevere with his treatment, not give up.

How you get him to persevere I don't know, would talking about it with him or visiting the doctor with him do any good do your think?

A year is long enough, you have your needs, for rest, support and to be cared for. As the most useful thing to do is get your husband back under treatment then that would be a step in the right direction to aim for, as is not taking all the burden of parenthood off his shoulders.

I do hope you come back and talk more, it is a hard time for you

Croix

[Chicquita]

Hi Tbrown

what you’re going through right now sucks, really sucks. I can only too easily relate to this.

As well as supporting your husband to see the GP for a mental health plan and seeing a psychologist regularly, I highly recommend getting support for yourself. See your GP, get a psychologist and join a group. Not just a mother’s group but a facilitated one where you can build up your resilience skills.

all the best. Keep connected