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How can I help my adult son who I hurt so much?

Myer
Community Member

The relationship between my adult son and I were never be good since he turned to 15 years old. He is adult now and had lived with me until 3 weeks ago.

He had a big argument with me and told me that all his problems were caused by my yelling to him every day when he was little. He has not grown to a mature adult as my yelling caused him long term depression. He often acted like a boy, not a man. He had not been happy for years and wouldn't be happy for the rest of his life as it is too late to do anything about that. He told me he hated me and didn't want to see me for the rest of his life. He moved out to somewhere very far 3 weeks ago.

I became a single mother when he was 6 years old and my another child was 3. I had to work hard to support 3 of us, never had any helps from their father at all. I had a full time job. The work place was 90 minutes away by public transport. I had to leave home early and got home late as I either did over time or the trains were delayed. I was frustrated, stressed & depressed from my work, travelling to and from work and two children not doing what they supposed to do almost every day. I do remember I yelled to them a lot. I couldn't control myself back then. But I never knew my yelling brought them life long impact until he told me so before he moved out. I apologised again and again before he moved out. I told him I would do anything, everything to help him to get better. He said it's too late. I feel his pain now and am so sorry. I texted him on Christmas eve, apologised again, told him I do love him and would be there for him whenever he needed my help. He didn't get back to me. I don't blame him. He is the one suffering from depression caused by me. And it is all my fault anyway.

I don't know what I can do to help him if he doesn't want speak to me or see me? I love my children so much and never and ever wanted to hurt them. But I did hurt them and I didn't even realize that for all those years until he told me lately. I am so sad and frustrated now. I worry him so much. I've been trying to convince myself 'He is fine. He is able to take care of himself. Don't worry about him too much. He might call you one day and ask for help when he needs'. Another me saying 'He moved out when he was angry at me. He had depression. His depression could possibly get worse. And no one is with him. He needs help'.

Can anyone please give me some suggestions? What should I do? Thank you in advance.

13 Replies 13

On The Road
Community Member

Hi Myer,

I'm sorry that this happened, he may have some resentments in his heart so he didn't want to interact with you much. Lots of emotions for him to deal with at this point.

I think you did what you could and need time for yourself, practise self-care, get supports from families and friends. one thing I agree with Croix is not to be too accommodating but still be approachable.

Take care.

Myer
Community Member

I actually feel better now after received all the support from you guys. I need to learn to treat him as an individual, independent adult, a young man, not just my son. I also need to learn to take it easy, to slow down, take care of myself & enjoy my life.

Thanks for all the support.

Myer
Community Member

Hi On The Road

Both you and Croix mentioned he may have resentments. I think you are right. He needs time to settle his emotions & grow. He will understand one day that all I have done over last 2 decades were for him & his sibling. It might take him years to grow for him to understand that.

I will have to take care of myself & love myself from now on.

Thanks

Myer
Community Member

My son moved out about a year and half ago.  He came back to collected some of his stuff a year ago and stayed for about only 10 minutes.  He almost never spoke or texted me.  He read my text message in about a week after I sent him until 2 months ago.  He came back to collect his last piece of stuff 2 months ago.  We had a good chat for about an hour.  He told me where he was living, where he normally bought his food, about looking for jobs and where his friends were up to.  I got a feeling he was OK.  He didn't have a job as he hadn't found something he liked.  I was happily listening and wished him to find a job that he liked one day.  I invited him over to have lunch with his grandma on her birthday in Oct.  He said OK.  I was so glad he was OK.

 

Yesterday a hospital called me and told me he was in hospital.  Police sent him to the hospital as he tried to harm himself.  I got there.  He had his eyes closed, wouldn't talk.  Hospital discharged him today.  I wanted to take him to my home with me.  He wanted to go to his place.  I took him to his place.

 

I really don't know what to do or say to make him feel better or help him to get better.  I offered him an overseas trip with me that might help him a bit.  He got his eyes closed and said nothing after he heard that.  I asked him if he slept at hospital last night.  He said he couldn't sleep.  I thought he was going to have a sleep after he had a shower.  He actually turned on his computer and started something.  I tried to say something.  He got his eyes closed again and wouldn't talk.  I must be saying wrong thing.  I felt it was time for me to leave.  I left.  I sent him a few messages to tell him how sorry I was and how much I loved him after I got home.  And I was willing to help him whenever he needed.  He didn't read any of my messages.

 

Can anyone please give me some ideas what I can do to help him?  He seems refuses any of my help.  I was thinking to ask him if I could visit him and have a lunch with him over the weekend.  But I knew the answer would be "NO" or just ignoring me even he read my message.

 

Thank you all.