How bad can things get?

[LonelyDad]

Hi guys, I'm new here so this is my first time doing this. I don't know what to do. I had a nervous breakdown 2 years ago and accused my wife of having an affair. I knew I had depression and extremely bad anxiety so I saw a dr and got counciling and meds etc... Over the course of the next 6 months I would accuse my wife of her affair after finding things that would point in that direction and she told me I was crazy and had something wrong with me, and made me go to a psychologist. Deep down I knew she was having an affair but I was too scared of losing my family to do anything about it. So 12 months after my initial breakdown I came off my anti depressants, and felt like things were on track. Then in September last year my wife admitted to me about her affair. Things got very tough again but I believed her apologies and thought we could get past it. It's been up and down since then but I thought we were making progress until a few months ago when she started acting different - angry at me all the time, showing no interest in me. I kept doing everything I could to make her happy and be a good husband but she gradually got worse. Now last Friday I had a few beers and finally asked her why she was acting like that to which she replied that she was miserable and wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. I've been told by another person that she's been talking about it for months. I work away from home so my anxiety levels are ridiculous and I have nobody to talk to. I miss my kids and I don't want to lose them or the life Ive built. She won't talk to me about it so I'm left here by myself with my thoughts about the probability of being without everything I love and live for. I think she has depression but she won't accept that and just says she's exhausted. I want to be there to help her but she doesn't want me. What do I do????

[LonelyDad]

Hi Tony, thanks for your reply. Congratulations on the upcoming wedding, I hope everything goes well.

Id never thought about seeing a future for myself, I'd only ever thought about the present that I'd lose. I guess over time I could meet someone else but I've lost a lot of socialising skills over the years so who knows. But you've definitely given me a different way to think so thank you.

[LonelyDad]

Hi Changing, thanks for your reply.

Firstly I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. Depression is a very serious condition and that kind of abuse towards people suffering shouldn't be around in this day and age. I also found text messages and I know exactly how sick in the stomach it can make you.

I'm at a point now where I don't blame myself for her behaviours like I used to, because we can't control what other people say or do, so at the end of the day if my wife leaves me she leaves. I'll be sad. I'll miss my kids. But I'll just keep trying to be a good dad for my kids.

I hope you can take some things away from the amazing replies I've had, because everyone deserves to be treated with respect. I hope that your husband realises that soon.

[LonelyDad]

Hi Lynda, thanks for your reply. I can see where you're coming from and I have seen that in other relationships. This is very unusual for my wife, she was raised very strong and independent, and she's never really one to do the wrong thing by someone. I do think I know where things went downhill for her, she had an aunt pass away and my wife was the one to request the morphine driver which essentially ended her aunts suffering. She had a lot of self blame about it and with me being away I was never there for her enough. I don't believe she would have another affair as she did end it about 6 months before she told me about it. But at the same time there's always that doubt. I've got my fingers and toes crossed either way.

[pipsy]

Hi LonelyDad. I'm so sorry for what happened with your wife and her losing her aunt that way. It must have been pretty traumatic, and hard to have to make a decision no-one should ever have to make. Did she have grief counselling of any description to help her with the loss. I understand she possibly felt extremely guilty having to make that choice. Her affairs could be her way of shutting out the pain she has never 'shared' with anyone. Grief makes us do some strange things at times. I wonder if she is still grieving, she may not tell you or anyone, but if there is still some guilt attached to her unfortunate decision, she needs to know help is available. Does she ever talk about her aunt? If she doesn't, there could be some issues that need airing so she can recover. If she still has some anger from then, she needs to know she did the right thing for her aunt. I hope everything does get sorted for you both. All the very best.

Lynda.

[Apollo_Black]

Hi Lonely Dad - how are thing's traveling? I think the issue with her Aunt's death is a distraction. If her Aunt was end stage then the appropriate action would be a comfortable death. If her recommendation was inappropriate then ultimately the medical professional responsible would have declined the request. I'm not trying to take away her of loss - however perhaps it was more about you not being there than the "decision" she had to make.

You said it yourself - do you need to be more present??

[July]

Hi Lonely Dad,

First, I am very sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone, in the damage of what an affair can do to a marriage, there are many reasons people have affairs, so don't blame your self, it was her decision to go outside the marriage instead of looking to you for the answers.

I applaud you for trying to make the marriage work and keeping your family together but you must also think of yourself and your needs and feelings. We all have terrible events that have happened in our lives, but we cannot, and should not use them as an excuse for poor decision making, which will also affect the lives of three young children.

We all try to do the right thing but sometimes things change for whatever reason, you both need to sit down and be honest and upfront, you both have to acknowledge the issues and resolve to work on them or move forward separately, your kids will be fine.....better to come from a broken home....than live in one.

All the love in the world will not help without trust, its so important in a relationship, you don't want to live your life constantly watching her every move, and you deserve to be loved completely with her whole heart and soul. I hope you find the answers you both want and need , it will take some work on both parts but at least if you try and fail then you have done all you can, and you can walk away from the marriage with your head held high.

True love will over come anything and above all, you have the love of your three beautiful children, so be the best dad you can, thats the most important job, as you are the centre of their universe, so stand tall.

You will get through this....many of us have, remember you are worthy of someone to love you.

July

[pipsy]

Hi Lonely Dad. While I agree with AB, that your wife turning to another guy after having to make that decision wasn't the thing to do. I feel you're trying to shoulder the blame for what your wife went through. The painful decision to end her aunt's suffering, then turning to another guy because you couldn't be there. Neither of those situations were of yours or her choosing. Sometimes awful things happen and it's no-one's fault, it's just that because we can't prevent some things happening, it doesn't mean our partners should take responsibility. From what you've said, I don't honestly believe that your wife did intend to turn to someone else. I feel she needed support and couldn't wait for you. That's not an excuse, nor reason, as I said earlier, grief makes us do things we often regret after. Her anger could be grief-related and guilt for what she did. When my dad died, my mom completely ignored me, grief and anger for losing her hubby completely engulfed her. I am able to totally forgive her (she's passed too, now). I feel no anger, if she was still alive, I would still make every effort to try to be her friend. Some people never get over a loss. Your wife's loss is worse because she had to make a very painful decision. I'm really hopeful you and your wife can get past this and things will get better.

Lynda.

[LonelyDad]

Hi July, thanks for your comment. You're words I feel are 100% accurate and I would like to thank you for them. Unfortunately tonight she's told me that she doesn't see things getting better and she is leaving me. I'm now at a point where I have no idea what to do or where to go. My whole life was about my family - I would go away for work to earn good money so they had everything they needed, and when I would come home I would spend as much time with them as I could. I am absolutely gutted. I have no direction. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think I've been given a chance to do anything to fix this. I guess this happens everyday to a lot of people so I shouldn't feel so sorry for myself. Sometimes life just sucks.

[LonelyDad]

Hi again Lynda, you're right I have taken a lot of blame for our whole situation but it seems that it won't matter anymore. I thought as long as there was love there was hope, but she thinks otherwise. I'll just have to try and stay strong for my kids.

[pipsy]

Hi Lonely Dad. Have just read the above post where your wife has decided to leave. I am so sorry. Really speaking she shouldn't be making these life-changing decision when she's still not really thinking clearly. Did she say where and why she doesn't see things getting better? Is it you and her, her? If she just feels she needs time and space, could you suggest she get away on her own or with someone from her family for a few weeks, till she has some time to think things through. Making plans to leave permanently is quite drastic, given how she's not really thinking straight. Does she have a close friend/cousin/sister, someone who knows her from childhood she could talk to about her aunt, the guy she turned to? Your wife hasn't given counselling or you two a chance.

Lynda.