How bad can things get?

[LonelyDad]

Hi guys, I'm new here so this is my first time doing this. I don't know what to do. I had a nervous breakdown 2 years ago and accused my wife of having an affair. I knew I had depression and extremely bad anxiety so I saw a dr and got counciling and meds etc... Over the course of the next 6 months I would accuse my wife of her affair after finding things that would point in that direction and she told me I was crazy and had something wrong with me, and made me go to a psychologist. Deep down I knew she was having an affair but I was too scared of losing my family to do anything about it. So 12 months after my initial breakdown I came off my anti depressants, and felt like things were on track. Then in September last year my wife admitted to me about her affair. Things got very tough again but I believed her apologies and thought we could get past it. It's been up and down since then but I thought we were making progress until a few months ago when she started acting different - angry at me all the time, showing no interest in me. I kept doing everything I could to make her happy and be a good husband but she gradually got worse. Now last Friday I had a few beers and finally asked her why she was acting like that to which she replied that she was miserable and wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. I've been told by another person that she's been talking about it for months. I work away from home so my anxiety levels are ridiculous and I have nobody to talk to. I miss my kids and I don't want to lose them or the life Ive built. She won't talk to me about it so I'm left here by myself with my thoughts about the probability of being without everything I love and live for. I think she has depression but she won't accept that and just says she's exhausted. I want to be there to help her but she doesn't want me. What do I do????

[firsttimemum]

Hi Lonely dad,

wow! Sounds like you have been through a tough time. I really feel for you.

It sounds like you really care for your wife and the family you have together, so im sure that you will do everything possible to try and solve your issues.

have you tried marriage councelling? I think this is probably a good place to start. Having an unbiased person listen to both of your concerns and give you coping stratagies might be helpful.

I really hope that everything work outs for you!

[Apollo_Black]

I think he's suggested it but she has shrugged it off

[firsttimemum]

Oops should have read the comments. Sorry!

[pipsy]

Hi Lonely Dad. I've just re-read my post to you that I wrote earlier. It reads as though I'm asking if your wife could talk to the guy she had the affair with? I meant could she talk to someone close about the guy she had the affair with. That coupled with the way she lost her aunt, having to make the decision to end her aunt's suffering. She really has had to contend with an awful lot. As I said earlier, none of it was anyone's fault, just tragic circumstances ending in what happened. I hope you can persuade her to take a holiday with someone close that she can talk to.

Lynda.

[July]

Hi,

I am sorry to read your wife is not ready or willing at this time to make her family a priority, but you cannot make her do or think anything different unless she is wanting to.

Don't blame yourself, you sound like a great husband and father, there is only so much you can do, and the rest is up to fate... but she may in time, come to re- assess her decisions, sometimes actually separating gives you time and space to really take a good look inside your heart, and either way, you guys want to make the best decisions for yourselves and your kids.

But is is a stressful and anxious time no doubt, time is on your side, give yourself and your wife some time... might really help, you want her to stay because she truly wants to... not because of obligation, kids won't keep a marriage together and you deserve to have love and happiness to.

Hard as it is, try to be calm and patient and keep talking to her... be the better person and your kids will also see a great role model for themselves in you, although your world right now is spinning, you need to keep centred for the kids, your love for them will keep you going.

Don't feel sorry for the way you feel, you have every right to feel disillusioned right now, you need to express those emotions and let that pressure release, this is your journey and its important, happiness is there for you, and the right path will find you.

Take care

July

[LonelyDad]

Hi guys, I'd like to thank everyone for their comments. It's really good to have different perspectives. Currently in away at work because I thought it was better to continue as normal rather than mope around feeling sorry for myself. It's been really tough but I'm just taking each day at a time. I've booked in to see my gp when I'm home next week, and there I'm planning on getting a referral to see a psychologist. I've begun to understand what the issues are for my wife and while they're each thing on its own is probably not a big thing, everything together over 8 years of marriage or 15 years of a relationship would wear any person down. Our son has recently been diagnosed with autism, and the things that we picked up on that led to this diagnosis are a lot of things that I myself experienced as a child, and currently still do with a few things. This makes me wonder if maybe I have Aspergers or something like that, which I am going to talk to my gp about also. It would explain some of my behaviours that my wife has issues with and also why I don't realise I'm doing certain things.

We sat down and had a talk the night before I left and she said she needs space, and as far as I'm aware the situation is still the same. I've also been told that she hasn't given up on me which is something that gives me strength to make myself a better person.

[pipsy]

Hi LonelyDad. I'm pleased you and your wife are at least still communicating. That's fantastic, given everything bad that happened between you. An autistic son brings a whole new perspective to what you've been dealing with. If you also have Asperger's you're going to have to learn how this affects how you interact with other's socially. I work with an adult sufferer of this and quite often he will be 'away' mentally and is not able to converse because he simply 'isn't there'. Because our firm hires people with mental disabilities, we've had to learn how to 'carry' them. When he is aware, you couldn't find a nicer, more pleasant person, however when he isn't 'there' we've had to learn to compensate. If you do have this condition, your wife is going to have to learn as we did. Perhaps while she is on her own, it might be an idea if you can get some literature for her to read so she has some idea what to expect. Try and teach her it's nothing to be scared of, either for you or her. The more you both learn, the more you can help each other.

Good luck.

Lynda.