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Hi would love some insight into my situation

Belladame
Community Member

Ok so this is my very first post, firstly, I’d like to say, well done and much love to everyone here living the struggle. I’ve been off illegal substances since before March last year. I had been a solid 25 year user and suddenly started having anxiety because the gear I was getting was causing me to have severe reactions of heart pounding, headaches, etc... even from different sources, so it was more my high level anxiety which made me stop.

ive always been one of these, “functioning addicts” although that term bothers me. I prefer the term, “passing as a straight head” since i hadn’t raised any red flags with dhs, the schools, kinder, other parents, etc. My kids have always had everything they want and more and I pride myself on being a present parent despite my internally and financially debilitating drug addictions.
So fast forward to now, i am doing HIIT boot camps every 2 days, I quit smoking in November and I’m trying my best to eat healthy and be a better influence towards my kids and most of all, be alive for them for the future.

The main problem is my partner still uses(probably once/twice a week, which is better than everyday like before) and drinks beer everyday and smokes. If I wasn’t “making him stop” he wouldn’t do it otherwise, I’m trying to be supportive and patient and the money thing really gets to me now because I see what $200 can buy instead of drug use.

can anyone pls help me with advice, he’s my children’s father and I wouldn’t want to leave him but what is the point that you can’t keep going when they don’t make any effort to want to change???

6 Replies 6

Not_Batman
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi belladame.

my congratulations to you and much admiration for you kicking the habit. Welcome to the forums.

it is so good to know that your children are a driving force behind your decision, and you should be very proud of that fact.

Have you talked to your partner about it, and your concerns?

I read that using some sort of emotional guilt trip may not be the best tactic as it may push that person away, but just talking about it can help. For more there is The alcohol and drug foundation (adf.org.au) i think they have links to support services in each state.

Not_Batman

sunnyl20
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Belladame,

Thank you for such an honest and courageous first post, I hope you don't mind me saying but your story gives a lot of hope to others. Congratulations for quitting the gear/cigarettes and sticking at recovery - I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to stop using even with the severe reactions you were getting, especially after such a long period. Good on you. It sounds like you have come a long way from where you were and worked hard to get there.

I am really sorry to hear you are finding things difficult with your partner and his habits. It is understandable that you would be frustrated that he cannot see it the way you do and that he doesn't want to change. And his use obviously takes its toll on you. But you cannot force a loved one to stop, and you cannot do the recovery for them, they have to want to change and want it for themselves. Being supportive and patient, but not enabling, is important, as I am sure you are already aware. Do you think he is aware of how his addiction is impacting you and your family? Have you been able to talk about your feelings towards it with him? Are you able to set boundaries around what you will and won't tolerate in terms of his use/habits?

The other option, as mentioned above, is one of the phone helplines or webchat services available. These include:
- https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/ which has some resources, a web chat & a phone line service (available 24/7, check the website for your state's number)
- Family Drug Support also has a 24/7 hotline 1300 368 186 (https://www.fds.org.au/)
They may be able to offer you more tailored advice and support.

Please feel free to talk more if and when you feel up to it. Take care.

Hi, thank you so both so much for your encouraging words, it’s difficult because I can’t share my accomplishments with anyone else because I’ve never shared my struggles friends and my family have been aware but not to the severe extent, yes I have spoken to him a lot about it and it seems to be a kind of forced middle ground at the moment, like I’m always having to micromanage his every move when it comes to drugs and money. I’m not usually a controlling person in the slightest but I’m just so tired of “making” him cut down and even when he spends more than he should it’s just, “sorry” which annoys because he knows I can’t do anything about it in the short term other than be a sticky beak into his whereabouts and bank account, just so over it. Even after me asking please don’t smoke outside the front door blowing the smoke in, he stops it for a few days then goes straight back to the same self serving behaviour. I’m trying to communicate and draw a line but it’s like smashing your head against a brick wall and expecting a different result.

I will give it some time before I make any crucial decisions. I do have to be patient but I’m 40 yrs old now and since I’ve wasted a lot of my life so far self destructing, I’m not so willing to give it up so easy anymore.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Belladame, and a warm welcome to you and thanks to Not_Batman and Sunnyl20 for their encouraging words.

After 25 years it's not easy to be able to stop, simply because you get set into a pattern where one day just rolls into the next and virtually just becomes the norm, so congratulations for wanting to stop, that takes a great deal of courage, not surpassed by anything else, only that your devotion to your children has expelled, well done.

If your partner says he's only doing drugs once or twice a week, that's a start, however, drinking every day may be the cursor that he could be doing it behind your back, as he stops smoking outside the front door for a day or so and then returns to what he wants.

Spending $200 is a great deal of money which could be used for other important resourses, to pay bills or to benefit the kids but he is only looking after himself, rather than the family.

Your situation does become much harder when there is no desire for him to not want to stop, any addiction is very difficult, but that's something you should be proud of.

Now you're 40, you have learnt a great deal in that time, so I wouldn't necessarily call it a waste of time, may be you're more astute than other people, that's for you to decide, but would really like to hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Belladame
Community Member

Hey Geoff, okay, so I know it sounds really awful but yes I know exactly when he’s using, how much he’s spending, how much he’s spending on alcohol and cigs which is more to the fact that he can’t lie because I have access to all finances and unfortunately have to even micromanage his whereabouts though find my iPhone which honestly I hate so he can’t go saying he’s somewhere he’s not.
we don’t generally use find my iPhone as a spy thing it’s just I can easily see how far off he is from work or that he’s not diverting to do the wrong thing, okay maybe that’s a little spying lol

he is a very hard worker I have to point out, he makes very good money and so the $200-$400 he may spend in a week I think he finds he’s like earned it or something, like as though he should be able to spend that much which is also ridiculous.

we’ve been together for 15 years and the only time he quits anything like ICE or pot is when I have micromanaged him and fully held his hand to do. I know it still has to take some willpower on his part but he never gets and stays off stuff for the right reasons, and yes sometimes he will try to lie about how many drinks he’s had but every single time gets caught out. I know his body language and addictive behaviours like the back of my hand.
I love him and would hate to abandon him but you can’t change someone’s desires for a better life like spending more time with the kids or camping or doing anything like that.
I know you can’t MAKE someone do anything and I’m tired of feeling like a mother instead of equal partners

Hello Belladame, thanks for coming back and I do understand the position you're in, simply because I was once in the same position with the blame going towards myself.

My ex understood what I was going through and tried on many an occasion to change how I was feeling but was unable to and that's why we divorced.

I was horrified but more so, shocked and devastated, as she was the love of my life, even though as couples do, had our problems, but back then I was a person who relied on alcohol and not with her.

We had achieved many great adventures, not in terms of travel but what we had accomplished but back then I was just a lifeless nobody, something perhaps I had not shown too much over our 25 year marriage.

I hope that she didn't want this to happen, but it was done as a wake up call, and now we continually talk and due to this virus, haven't been able to see each other, I still love her.

Best wishes.

Geoff.