Hi, silent treatment and depression

[Lucy2388]

Hi, I’ve been married for 14 years. When me and my husband fight generally it’s because of something I’ve done to hurt him, I tend to get quite loud and reactive, as I feel he is always telling me that I’m doing something wrong, or not considering him. We separated a couple years ago for a few months and when we re connected I made all these promises to change. Unfortunately I have not been consistent and recently been diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. My husband when we fight is never to blame, never apologises or engages in my feelings or allows for me to explain anything. Instead he will walk off not speak to me and sometimes I get louder as I am begging for him to speak to me. Then I get mad and sometimes say hurtful things. I’m in that boat again now and I haven’t raised my voice once, left him to his own devices in the hope he will just move past it however he hasn’t. He has ignored me all day and barely said a word to me. This is all due to me not spending time with him last night because I fell asleep, as I took a break off my meds and it made me very tired. (His suggestion) as the meds were making me ill. He had told me to focus on myself for the day and when I did he turned against me. He always says I don’t love him or care for him and my past relationships I did more for them than I did for him. I don’t know what to do anymore I am numb, and everyone is telling me to call it quits as I’m getting older and need to enjoy my life. However I can’t seem to let go. I have one teenage child and don’t know how I would cope. He also smokes pot daily and says it’s because of me. To escape his reality. I don’t get it I don’t know how to fix it and I’m just stuck in this cycle weekly. Please help any suggestions would be great. I just don’t believe anyone can help me as I feel I’ve tried everything 

[Croix]

Dear Lucy2388~

I'd like to welcome you here to the forum, I'm sorry life is so hard for you.. Having PTSD and ADHD just makes things so much worse

From what you have been saying in your 14 year marriage you argue frequently and your husband always says it's your fault, and when you try to take matters further he ignores you - which makes you mad.

He also says you do not treat him right and not as well as those in your past relationships.

It does not sound as if your several month break has changed things.

Your account rings a couple of alarm bells, the first being the lack of ability for him ever to  admit he is at fault, and the second is his use of cannabis - which he blames on you. He's an adult and makes his own choices.

To be fair my own partner found it difficult when my PTSD was it its worst, but was quick to admit her mistakes, not just putting everything on me.

Can I suggest this sounds - on what you have said - to be a matter of abuse and I would suggest to contact 1800REPECT (1800737732) and talk the matter over and get their view. They are the experts and may be able to judge what may be a salvageable situation or if  not what you can do

Although everyone may be trying to persuade you to quit I'm sure you would realise from your previous separation that things are not straightforward, there are financial and other matters, and having a young person to consider makes things tougher.

May I ask if you have anybody in your life - family or a friend perhaps, you can lean on, not to fix things or give impractical advice, but just to show they care?

If you would like to come back and say how you are getting on that would be great.

Croix

[therising]

Hi Lucy2388

I feel for you so much as you face so many challenges all rolled into one. With so many challenges, there can also be so many mixed emotions. A variety of internal dialogues definitely doesn't help matters. Can all end up feeling like an intense swirling dark tornado of emotional, mental and physical energy, completely out of control. I hope that coming here helps slow things down for you in manageable ways.

I've found a really key question in life (which serves overall wellbeing) is 'Who's prepared or willing to feel for me and who's not?'. What I mean is who's prepared or willing to feel my stress or anxiety so as to better understand the challenges I face while helping me make sense of those challenges? Who's prepared to feel how depressed I can be at times in my life, so as get a better sense of what depressing challenge/s might be in play? Who's prepared to get a really good feel for the best way forward when I 'go blind' and can't see the best way forward for myself (through my imagination)? Who are my feelers and seers? It was actually my 23 year marriage which led me to this helpful revelation. While my husband's a decent guy and basically feeling, he's not willing to feel too much because feeling so much is just too uncomfortable for him. He tends to switch off when he feels too much. The switch comes in the form of stuff like leaving the room and leaving me alone, drinking a sedative/numbing agent (beer), focusing on something completely unrelated while changing the subject etc. The dope smoking sounds like your husband's preferred choice of sedative.

I'm wondering whether you're feeling the need for self focus. While still focusing on your your child to helpful degrees, would it pay to focus on developing yourself as opposed to focusing on the relationship so heavily? Personally, I've found this works for me. Some examples involve focusing on why I have the ability to feel so much, as opposed to focusing on why my husband doesn't feel as much or doesn't want to feel as much. I could feel stress in the relationship or I could focus on and research 'How to manage my mind and nervous system'. I could focus on my husband's obsession in regard to 'There's no such thing as ADHD' or I could focus on educating myself on ADHD so that our 22yo daughter doesn't suffer so much with some of the challenges she faces with it. I could focus on trying to convince my husband such a thing exists, while sending myself insane in the process, or I could focus on brainstorming with my daughter when it comes to how to mentally, physically, emotionally and soulfully manage certain aspects of ADHD that can feel depressing and soul destroying at times.

I've found a shift in focus changes my emotions. From feeling a sense of powerlessness, frustration, anger etc to feeling a sense of wonder, curiosity, amazement, inspiration and so on. In the process, you also get to discover 1)who you naturally are and 2)what is not your fault or flaw. 'It's not my fault I'm wonderful (full of wonder), I'm curious, I can be easily amazed or inspired. These things relate to my abilities'. Focusing back on my husband, I do tend to question these days why he doesn't wonder as much, why he lacks a sense of great curiosity, why he's not as easily amazed and why not all that much inspires him. But that's his story.  🙂