Hi, my name is Pipsy and I am nearly 64. I've been married nearly 25 years and I'm so fed-up and down in the dumps. Can anyone help? please.

pipsy · ‎30-10-2014

I was abused my by own family as a child and now I feel as though it's starting again. My husband knows about my past but says I have to 'rise above it', easy for him. His parents have been very nasty to me and I feel everytime he visits them (often), he's rewarding them for hurting me. I've tried to explain this to him, but he 'switches' off. What can I do to overcome this 'betrayal' feeling?

geoff · ‎28-01-2015

dear Pipsy, oh dear I'm not sure that's what you wanted to hear, and I'm so sorry for you to have to go through all of this.

I don't think L will change because m/d still have control over him, however if he wasn't to see them then he would be open for a change, but they are like a magnet, always drawing him to them.

He might change, I hope so for you, because that's what you need, the person you are living with to be on your side supporting you.

I have to agree with you, no one is right all the time and m/d would only make decisions that suit themselves, which also means controlling L, and I'm sure they never make the right decision, I wonder if they ever care for anybody else.

I'm a bit worried that you only have one more visit with your counsellor, there's no chance of him bulk billing you.

Interesting when he says 'respect your right to say no', that's very true, but when you look at L and m/d they wouldn't take any notice of what L says, only what they say is 'god's gift to mankind'.

I will still be on here early monday morning until it's time to go to hospital.

Take care. L Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎28-01-2015

Hi, Pip here. Went to see the G.P to get stitches removed. I go back in a fortnight to discuss the procedure removing the cancer. It will be a big incision, plus he may have to take skin from another part of my face like a skin graft (he called it something else, but it's the same thing). He has instructed that L take me there when I have the procedure as he has to administer a local and I won't be able to drive. L agreed without even thinking about it. I don't have the procedure for a few weeks as the skin has to completely settle. I think L is getting fed-up with having to see his parents. They're going to N.Z in May so he'll have a complete break. He's not strong enough to break contact and they make him feel guilty for not going down more. They have conditioned L and his sister so much over the years, neither of them can resist them. I no longer hate them, I still wish they weren't here, but I've realized that fighting L is not the answer. I don't support him as far as they're concerned, there's been no further talk of reconciliation, I think L knows that's not going to happen. They're NOT my type of people and they never will be. I'm actually changing my attitude as far as L and I are concerned. He's starting to turn to me more and more for guidance as he reckons I make more sense (than they do, unquote). He got home very early yesterday, said he left as soon as he politely could. I was very surprised to see him so early. I'm hopeful this nightmare will soon be over. Thank you for your ongoing support. I will never forget how you've been there. Please keep in touch when you can. Much love P.xxx

pipsy · ‎30-01-2015

Hi, Pip here. Just want to thank Geoff, in particular, for always being there for me. I know he has his own personal demons, but his never ending support and encouragement has been truly amazing. My councilor has been good for me too. I have started to 'let go' of my hatred for my in-laws, I realize that all I'm doing is hurting myself. Through Geoff I've realized they're not going to change, I have to. They are not my kind of people, so the kindest thing I can do is ignore them. My husband (their son) is not strong enough to sever ties with them, again Geoff, you have helped me accept this. If I want my marriage to work, and I know now I do, I have to give my husband the space he needs to see them whenever he wants. My husband is actually starting to 'be there' a bit for me, rather than them. If anyone is going to destroy their relationship with my husband, it's going to be them. I realize this probably won't happen, but we all fantasize. I don't care what they say to him about me, that's really his problem. At one point I wanted a 'show-down' between them and me, now I know this is wrong, I have decided they just don't exist, to me. If he doesn't defend me, he has to live with his conscience, not telling me about it is-again, his problem. I don't want to know what is being said for or against me, that's counter productive for my husband and I. He can live in 'denial' if he wants to, but eventually, through my positive actions, he must realize they COULD be wrong. If he chooses to ignore this - again, his problem. I am not taking any of it on board. I have too much going for me to worry about their petty grievances against me. Thank you Geoff, for helping me 'grow up'. Thank you BB for giving me the opportunity to 'rant and rave'. We all need a sounding board when there's no-one to listen. I will keep in touch, I want to 'be there' for Geoff who has 'been there' for me. To me, that's what true friendship is. My sincere love and thank you BB for 'being there'. Who's going to care for your dog Geoff when you have your op, wish I could help you, there. Luv P.xxx

geoff · ‎31-01-2015

dear Pipsy, thanks very much.

My son is coming to look after me for a couple of weeks so I'm going down to pick him up, a couple of hours away, today.

He's the Dad for my beautiful grand daughters, so I'll see them which I am looking forward to, but it will only be a quick visit, because I still have a few things to do.

Best not to get into any decision with his parents, and I don't think that would happen anyway.

I will be on the site early Monday morning then off I go at lunch time.

Take care and good luck with your skin cancer, and please let me know how it all goes. L Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎01-02-2015

Hi Geoff. Pip here, I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and hope all goes well. Is there any way your son could 'log on' just to let BB know what's happening. Maybe facebook BB. Lately I've been looking at that site. Please don't worry 'bout me, I survived abuse from home, this business with L's parents is fading as well. My only regret is L will never be emotionally strong enough to defend me to them. Unfortunately, that's as much their fault as it is his. However, if I'm not there, and I don't get told, I won't get hurt. I had never had problems with in-laws before and I was out of my depth, since I've severed all contact with them, life has been easier. Things between L and I are better, they are never mentioned, so to me, they don't exist. I see my Dr 11th Feb, I will ask for a referral to continue with my councilor. I know I'll get one, so you can rest assured, I'm not alone. L and I are working on home DIY together, that's a positive. Maybe one day he will see them for what they are, the problem being, he still won't be able to back away. However, that really isn't my problem as I won't be involved. I'm feeling more peaceful than I have for a long time since I decided to just 'let go' and focus on L and I. The only thing I have to work on (with my councilor) is, when we decide to go away on holiday, how do I stop L from constantly contacting them, that really does spoil it for both of us. As I said, with the help of my councilor, maybe something can be sorted out with no dissention to us. If you have any suggestions, I would be grateful, but don't panic if you don't. I'm being a bit selfish. Anyway, all the very best to you, I'll be thinking of you. Much love P. I wish I could've met you, I think we would've gotten on really well. xxx

geoff · ‎01-02-2015

dear Pipsy, well you're had three battles to overcome, m/d, your health and L, now you have accepted that they aren't really around and severed all contact with them.

What L says to them is of no consequence, because he will only say to them what they want to hear, whether it's true or not, and it's probably exaggerated, no real drama let me play their little game.

Your health is still a worry and concern and we only hope that it will be OK, but needs constant attention and treatment, so we'll have to get a monitor on this.

With regards to L I'm sure most of the time what he has to say to you is only trivial, anyway I would tell him that you may change your sim card or phone number and when he asks why just say that you get too much advertising and strange texts, or just be upfront and tell him that you don't want to be contacted all the time, because it's too distracting.

You could block his number but that could just be said to him, again because you get too many messages from someone who you don't want to speak to any more, or just delete them straight away, but that's annoying, so mention these to your counsellor. L Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎02-02-2015

Hi Geoff, Pip here. I had a long talk with my girlfriend in N.Z yesterday. Her upbringing was dysfunctional like mine. She was saying, because L's parents are 'takers', and he was brought up with that, he knows no different. Some people have the ability to stand back and see without rose-colored glasses. L unfortunately doesn't and probably never will. As far as him contacting them when we go away, it's such a sensitive subject, I will discuss with my councilor the best way to deal with it. Hiding the cell phone will cause arguments. She was saying that even though the saying is; a daughter's a daughter all her life, a man's a man till he takes a wife, in L's case, his parents have raised him in such a way that that saying has flown out the window. She was saying he doesn't know how to oppose them. They have instilled a set of rules over and above the 'norm' and he can't oppose them because he doesn't know how. She said try to pity him, he's a bit too old to change and possibly scared to. His parents are so pathetic, like my brother, don't waste my time hating them, life's too short. I know had I met L when we were younger (teens) I would've walked away. Anyway, all the best. Can your son keep in touch somehow? Hoping to get this procedure done in a couple of weeks. Much love P. xxxx

pipsy · ‎03-02-2015

Hello, my name is Pipsy. I've been writing to Geoff for the past several months and he's been wonderful. I know he's having surgery and I'm wondering if anybody has had a progress report. My problems have started sorting themselves out. I am no longer having in-law problems, through Geoff, I've managed to work through my hate (which was counter-productive). I have no contact with my in-laws, they are not my type of people. My husband, unfortunately is unable to break the hold they have over him, this no longer worries me, I've decided to make a life for myself. I am thinking of returning to the local church, I know this goes against my husband's wishes, but I have to do what's right for me. If anyone else can learn from my problems, if anyone has been reading the letters to and from Geoff. Something good has come out of something bad. I am feeling very peaceful, I know BB cares about what happens to everyone who contacts them, that's a good feeling to know we are not alone in our darkest times. Thanks so much to BB. If Geoff can be contacted, please give him Pipsy's regards and tell him she is thinking of him. Thank you.

pipsy · ‎05-02-2015

Hello, Pipsy here. If anybody's there, I need a bit of guidance. Because of my problems with toxic in-laws, I've had to cease all contact with them. I'm happier, but I had to do something yesterday that I didn't want to do and I feel a bit guilty. I was talking to my aunty (none of my family know what's been going on). My aunt asked how my in-laws were, I sort of told her I have no contact, but I didn't elaborate. I emailed her last night and told her without going into too much detail, that I don't have any contact with them and I sort of asked her not to mention them to me again. I don't want to turn her against my husband. Because I feel let down by his lack of support, that's no reason for her to turn against him. He's always treated her respectfully and she likes him. I had vowed I wasn't going to tell my family anything as I don't want them to worry. I have no parents (thankfully), but I didn't want anyone to know anything. I did ask my aunt not to say anything to anyone about what I told her, but I feel as though I've let myself down by having to tell her. I don't feel as though I've betrayed him, but I don't like having to admit that things are not as good as what everyone thought they were. I know, telling her was right, but it hasn't made me feel very good. Any feedback would be grateful. Thanks. Pip.

geoff · ‎11-02-2015

dear Pipsy, I'm back home and excuse me if make spelling mistakes etc as my mind is full of extra drugs and not 100%.

How has your skin cancer treatment being going.

Just briefly what you have told your auntie is a release for you, because you had no one else to talk to unless your counselling has taken begun again.

Her thoughts would happen anyway, she will make up her her own mind no matter what, just as you could tell her that you like steak eggs and chips but she makes her own decision, no matter how convincing you are, so don't feel guilty.

Everybody has their own mind, you can teach and learn from others, but gossip is impossible to stop as we all tend to do this, and by the time a snippet has started a splinter in someone's finger could quite easily end up being someone had a heart attack and this could happen just after 10 people passing the word on.

Feel comfortable with yourself. L Geoff. x