Hi, my name is Pipsy and I am nearly 64. I've been married nearly 25 years and I'm so fed-up and down in the dumps. Can anyone help? please.

pipsy · ‎30-10-2014

I was abused my by own family as a child and now I feel as though it's starting again. My husband knows about my past but says I have to 'rise above it', easy for him. His parents have been very nasty to me and I feel everytime he visits them (often), he's rewarding them for hurting me. I've tried to explain this to him, but he 'switches' off. What can I do to overcome this 'betrayal' feeling?

geoff · ‎03-11-2014

dear Pipsy, thanks for getting back to us, and I do know that when we try and take our own life it does create problems.

I know that it's a difficult decision especially if you have been seeing your current GP for a long time, but have you thought about another review, maybe someone from the BB list of doctors, which is under 'get support' on the top of the page, although I have done this when my GP was away on holidays, as I needed a script, but they say 'why are you taking this and that because you don't need to', this does annoy me, because I follow what my original GP has given me.

I wonder what L's parents would say if they knew about him going to counselling, or whether he would tell them, but I agree with you I don't think he would ever go.

His parents are in their 80's and presumably he's in his 60's, so is he still 'mummy's boy', sorry I had to say that, and if so then his parents always tend to dislike anyone who is associated with their son, boy, this must have gone on for a long time, so I don't know how you tolerated it for that long.

I don't know how you feel about religion, so I'll wait until I hear back from you, but I'm not a religious person, but this shouldn't have any effect because you are entitled to believe in what ever you want to.

It's great two oldies talking together. lol L Geoff. x

dougall · ‎03-11-2014

Hi pipsy glad you are going to see someone. You could always pretend they have Alzheimer ha ha. I know what you mean about favoritism, I have had that all my life with my mother and sister. I at tempted suicide 2 years ago and in that time I went to counseling by myself and with my husband. The counseling helped me to see that I was being emotionally and mentally abused. I had not noticed it because I grew up with a mother and father who did the same to me. When it was pointed out to me I started to recognize what was happening, my husband did not like the fact that he was doing this unknowingly to me so wanted to fix it, it was too much of a change and he left. I devastated and thought oh my what do I do now I am in my fifties no job no money no friends no relatives no where to go only my 17 year old son to look after. If I did not have my son then I know i would not be here, well that was how I felt at the beginning of this year since being on this forum it has helped me understand that I am important and do have a value. It took me many years and a few run ins with my ex husbands mum to make him realise that his family was the one he had with me and they should take priority, you cannot have it both ways. He was given a choice his mother or us, he chose us and the relationship with his mother improved as she then had boundaries and did not cross them because he was not letting her. I am not sure if this helps but I do know about other people interfering in a relationship.

pipsy · ‎03-11-2014

Pip here. It would be nice to fantasize that they have Alzheimers, but the way I'm feeling about them at the moment, that is not possible. Maybe in time. I went to lunch today with my husband, and he told me (like he always does) that he wants to be with me because he thinks of us as a team. Unfortunately I find that hard to believe because if that was true I feel he would be more supportive to me around them. He only emotionally supports me if he feels I'm right about something (which isn't very often). I have tried to point out to him that he will have me longer than them (maybe), therefore I should come first. I have given him chances in the past and he's chosen to go to them each time. I feel at the moment, let him go to them. What happens when they're dead? I may not be around myself. That's his problem. He says I'm jealous and bitter about his relationship with them. Wish I'd never met him at the moment. I feel our relationship is built on a lie.

geoff · ‎04-11-2014

dear Pipsy, can I pose a question to you, where his parents could have another 10 or 15 years or even longer to live, but they may end up in a nursing home or at home where they will need full time attention which would mean that your husband's presence would be required most of the time and what this may mean is that you will be left out to fend for yourself, sorry. L Geoff. x

dougall · ‎04-11-2014

Hi pipsy Geoff is right, I get the feeling your husband wants his cake and everything else. He has a choice the same as you. I got to the point in the marriage that I was doing all the emotional stuff so the family stayed together and this was to my detriment. If he is not willing to see your point of view or even understand it I don't think it will change. I don't think he feels secure enough to let go of his parents. There is only one person that can change the situation you are in and that is you. You have to look at what makes you happy and feel validated. It is easier said than done. It is never too late to start afresh.

pipsy · ‎04-11-2014

Pipsy here. I have looked at what's going to happen should his parents need full time care too. L does want his cake and eat it, that's for sure. No matter what I say, he defends them to a tee. He did say he would go to counciling, when I said he would have to get a Dr's referral, he said he would wait and see how I get on. That to me is a cop out. I feel if he were really willing to save the marriage, he would do anything and everything he could. I told him if my parents treated him the way his parents treated me, I would've waved them goodbye. He is not strong enough, nor will he ever be to stand on his own two feet. He says my problem with them is in my head. If I had the resources I would go. I have never experienced this sort of problem before with old people. You are right, the situation will only change if I change it.

pipsy · ‎07-11-2014

Hi Pipsy here. Have had a rather pleasant couple of days with L working. Sounds dreadful, but with no pressure, it's been wonderful. We are going away Sunday for a week, then I go to counciling. L has said he's going to try and arrange counciling through his job, under no illusions about whether he'll go though. Have been getting some information about my father so that's been a good diversion. Not really looking forward to going away, but I'm going to try and keep an open mind. Only down side, L's going to ring his parents before we go. We're not leaving the country, so I suppose he'll keep in touch with them while we're away. That's what he usually does. Have been having some rather unpleasant dreams about confrontations with them. Can't tell L. Will tell my councilor.

geoff · ‎08-11-2014

dear Pipsy, thanks for keeping us in touch.

L says that he will try and get counselling through work, but I don't want to put a damper on your week away, but there's an old saying, probably older than you and I lol, but it says 'pigs can fly', not unless mummy and/or daddy say he can, sorry I'm being a bit cynical here, and certainly don't want to turn you off, but why would a 60 year odd man need to ring his parents while he is away, maybe to see if they are alright, I don;t think so.

Here I can see you all by yourself, and you don't deserve this at all, because let's face it you and me are approaching our time limit, but I certainly don't want it to happen to you.

Had a an interesting discussion with my ex yesterday which I will tell you, but now I have to go and see an elderly couple as the the chap only has me that goes and sees him. L Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎08-11-2014

Hi Geoff, Pipsy. I agree with you that L probably won't seek counciling, but not for the reasons you say. He would never admit to parents that he's going to counciling, they would blame me and he hasn't the guts to stand up for me, so he won't tell them. Must admit I had to laugh over you and me 'approaching our time'. L will never understand that you have to make your own life without your parents. He feels that family (parents) are more important than anything. Being able to talk to you has given me the strength to face the fact that I'm stronger than L will ever be. If he doesn't see a councilor, I don't care, me seeing one and admitting I need help makes me the better person. Heaven help him when he loses them, I won't be able to. Thanks P.

geoff · ‎10-11-2014

dear Pipsy, yes it's good isn't it, talking can be very beneficial.

The conversation with my ex, well it was no different than when we were married.

So just quickly, our last house was pretty big, but I gutted it all bit by bit, but she always says that I only did what I wanted and paid no attention to what she said, and as your a lady I will skip a few words here, that's absolute *******, everything I did I had to by her word, and if I happened to ignore her, she did the silent treatment, this was at first, so I had to do everything that she wanted, but she denies this.

I told her that never once ever did she say 'sorry' to me, of course again she denies this, and she divorced me because I liked the alcohol more than her, but wait a minute I was depressed, but my love should have been enough and it went on, again I couldn't believe what she said.

I told her that I am a social drinker now and have been for a long time, and also mentioned that her brother got $66k off us in different lots, which she then denied, I now have a hard skin.

It's interesting to read that you have been having unpleasant dreams because I do the same about her, and most of the time it's about not trusting her with other guys.

I can envisage what's going to happen when his parents pass away, as do you, which might be a hard call for you.

When is your appointment, hopefully soon. Take care. L Geoff. x