Help with partner after first child

[Ben317]

Hey all. Not sure what to do or best action.

any advice or help would be great but feels good to write it all out. Sorry about the rambling.

We have a 7 month old baby boy. Love him to death. I love my partner. She is amazing with our son. Goes above and beyond looking after him. Couldn’t ask for more. I understand the mental capacity is crazy what she is going through to give him so much attention and understand how exhausting that would be. first child and both learning. I’ve done dumb shit waking him up by being to loud or turning on a vaccume that scares him, to me I see it as normal learning curves. Not intentional.

The issue is we are having is arguments over everything to the point I dont offer any suggestion or opinion. She talks to me like a useless person. For example our son had Covid and I picked him up from his cot after he was screaming in distress. Didn’t know where she was I knew she be getting things ready to help comfort him. She comes in while I’m trying to calm him and goes off calling me a potato and that I’m undermining her. My intention was in the moment calm the baby and help her next move. Anyway I just walked out and did everything else wrong after that apparently.

I Just try and go with what she wants. Either I hang up the washing wrong. Or dinner not ready on time Or don’t do the nappy right and now I’m at the point of not doing nappys. I would love to To help her out and feel like I’m capable of looking after and comforting him. She now won’t let me in his room at night after I say good night. Not to comfort or put his dummy back in. I am willing to do anything any time.

in the 7 months I believe I have gone for 2 10 minutes drives alone with our son and that was a big issue for her and  maybe 3 walks around the block. Getting back at 6.03 three minutes late was the last I have done. As a father I’d love to bond with him alone to give her sometime for herself and also plenty of family bonding to. It as she doesn’t trust me and think I am capable. Not sure how she is with leaving him with her mum because I’m not there so I don’t know but my family at this stage is out of the question. I can’t pop over unless it’s planned and she is there.

She will not communicate with me or sit down with me to talk things over. Won’t get outside help. I have to ask to book in a time when she is ready to talk after an argument, recently it’s been 5 days and she hasn’t given me the chance to talk. She came up with a partnership agreement giving us opportunity to take back and rephrase things we say. I think it’s good but when I gave her the option it was void because it wasn’t signed and I didn’t file the hard version. But when it suited her it was in use.

So I guess How do I communicate with her and help us. Could this be post natal depression? In terms of intimacy it is 0. Won’t hug me. Doesn’t want a kiss on the head. Try to give her space as she might be touched out but things at the moment are dark, cold and I don’t know what to do.

I will not walk out on our son or her. It’s not an option I would consider. Don’t need to f up another innocent child.

[Ben317]

I Don’t want to go down the legal option. However have had someone look into for me in my family.  I believe we are not over. I think she really wants it to work as well deep down but it a funny way to show it. However at this stage applying for visitation rights would give me guided access to our son and at least some structure,. I will see how next few weeks go. 

First christmas together she took our son interstate, assume i would still continue to go away without her. I saw him for about 30 minutes in the lead up to xmas and wont let me know what the few days after would be like when she would return home etc. 1st Xmas and I couldn’t be with my son. I would have stayed on the side of the road in the gutter just to see him on Xmas morning. After she told me she was cancelling all my sides family plans and taking him away I said that ok, but i am sorry i have no choice but to apply for visitation rights. She was in so much shock. Hardest thing I had to ever do or say. (even harder than calling my best mate a few year ago in the middle of australia to tell him i am so sorry but his dad has passed away in a motorbike accident. We gave CPR for over an hour, and the next day another mate in our group passed away while trying to get home.never thought id face a tougher day). I couldn’t speak, hold it together but had to say it. Not sure if it was right or wrong to say but maybe it would give her a bit of a reality check or realisation to work it out with me.

She has returned home today (to her mums) and i saw him for 30 mins to share some gifts at her mums house (who will not speak to me, aknowledge me at all, has been for a while)

I know it’s going to be a long and slow process. I believe she will come back home tomorrow but doesn’t want me there so i will leave for a few more days. It’s only fair to her to be at home. It’s for her and our son. I am hoping being home alone in our house (fully cleaned etc will put things in perspective) 

I am so disgusted in her mother, have been abused by her before, all i am trying to do is help her daughter and our relationship. She just wants to place blame and say i don’t look after her. After all the above my partner came over with her brother to get some stuff  before going away. I gave her my car so she could take it as it is safer. shame her mother is blind and didn’t appreciate it. 

She will speak to me in person but not on the phone only text. I feel like she is using our son against me as punishment which is what her mother would be doing. Explains why her mother is single.

I am stuck as i want to see my son as i am suffering from anxiety from being away from him, left in the dark. 

[therising]

Hi Ben

What do you think about the idea of suggesting relationship guidance/counseling to her? Might help with communication, especially at this incredibly difficult time. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I tried marriage counseling myself some years back and while my husband refused to go, I personally got a lot out of it.

Perhaps, in her mind, there was a lead up to the breakdown of the relationship and it might be a matter of things finally having come to a head for her. All may be revealed in counseling, as it doesn't sound like she's willing to fully reveal it to you, one on one, in general conversation.

I really wish your Christmas could have been much brighter, with you have a lot more time with your son. My heart goes out to a lot of Dad's out there at this time of the year.

[Ben317]

Thanks the rising. have mentioned for the past 4 months for us to talk to someone together. She just says no I’m not doing that with you.