Help! What do I do?

[Guest_10219]

G’day all. 
 

Just found this forum and need help. 
 

My son is 19. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder and a heavy marijuana user. He’s a very smart kid academically and studying law but he has a volatile temper which unfortunately I think I passed on to him.

His mental health has been and is the driving influence on our family. When he’s home (he has begun a degree and lives on campus in another town) we walk around on egg shells. If we ask him to do anything for us or mention something we have issue with he explodes. 
 

This puts a massive strain on the relationship between my wife and I. Our 23 year old daughter won’t come home if he is there. I find myself resenting him for that. But then, he idolised her when he was a little boy and she treated him and continues to treat him like garbage. Who knows how that influenced his mind?

He had recently applied for funding to the Uni for some program he wanted to start where people sit around by candlelight discussing law cases. He had been up for 30 hours and it was the rantings of a lunatic. Now he’s working on a YouTube page. Ditto.

Last night it came to a head. When asked to assist with kitchen chores after dinner last night he exploded and it eventually became physical. I didn’t cover myself in glory and probably started it by grabbing him but I was at my wit’s end. I had had enough of him screaming at us. 

My son has held us to ransom for over 10 years. Our house is sad and morose and in fear when he is home. I don’t sleep when he’s home. My wife is constantly in tears. 

I am currently sitting on the side of the road with a beer and don’t want to go home. I have had my mental health issues before. Depression, anxiety and insomnia. But I have my strategies. Just not in relation to my son. 
 

I don’t know what to do. 
 

Help!

 Steve

[TrueSeeker]

Hello and welcome

It does sound very frustrating and heart breaking.

I grew up in a very emotionally charged household and I think that it's great that you'd like to fix it. When I look back, I wish that there was more understanding honest communication from all sides explaining what everyone's problem is and how to solve it. I understand that it can be very hard as the emotions are quite high so maybe try to write it down when we're calm so everyone can properly explain themselves.

In my situation, it was mainly clash of personalities and lack of understanding each others different approaches to things. Also clear communication of what actions are needed to satisfy each others needs and wants, the more specific the better. In the end it is all about respecting each others different personalities.

I hope that you'll find a way how to calm things down
Everyone benefits from a happy loving supportive family and it's definitely worth working on.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Steve

Welcome to the forum.

I’m really sorry that your son is unwell and that he has been for the past ten years. My daughter fell ill with anxiety and OCD at the age of 13, so I understand the impact his illness is likely having on the entire family. It’s really tough. 
The incident you described with your son resonated with me, as unfortunately we had really challenging incidents too. Sometimes the pressure is intense and things can quickly get out of hand because everyone is always at the end of their rope.

Please, don’t be too hard on yourself. You are doing your best in a difficult situation. And tomorrow you get a chance to try again. You can do this.

In the immediate term, I think you need to make sure that everyone at home is safe. Don’t be afraid to call 000 in an emergency.

In fact, it would be a good idea to find out what emergency mental health services are available where you live and have those numbers handy. For example, we have a Crisis Assessment and Treatment team available from our local hospital.

Short term, I think you and your wife need to think about whether or not it’s wise for him to go back to university. I am concerned about his current state of mind and his ability to cope away from home. (Do you know how he’s managing at university?) I’m wondering if you can get him in to see his treating practitioner? (I’m assuming his doctor is at the home location)

Medium term, you and your wife might like to consider seeing a family therapist. My husband and I chose this path and it was very helpful. We used the sessions to learn how to best support our daughter and I reckon it also saved our marriage. We eventually brought our other child into the sessions and it was really helpful to mend fences with him. I think it could also help you and your wife to set boundaries around the type of behaviour that will be tolerated in your home.

I’m here to chat if you think it would help.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Scared]

I think summer rose said things well.

Its easy to get lost in your sons illness.

Often we find ourselves in defensive positions out of love and duty for our offspring. This becomes the new normal and things remain the same.

Someone has to break this cycle.

Your family has become the victims now held hostage by your sons illness.

I too have been held hostage by someone I love dearly and I know the damage it has caused the family.

Boundaries boundaries is exactly right.

Tough love its often called and I am not good at it myself but I had to learn it to save my sanity.

His campus could be a great tool for you.

Changes are needed on BOTH sides.

Perhaps conditions on being allowed to return to the family home are based on his compliance to therapy medication and ceasing smoking pot.

No matter which way you look at it it spells emotional pain but this way you can be proactive in going forward as opposed to more of the same defensive egg shells posture.

Meet him on his campus instead of family home.

The point is you let this go on without significant change on your behalf then you are effectively teaching your son that this behaviour is ok.

And the longer he behaves this way the harder it is going to be for you to change it.

Its counterintuitive but you help you first because I agree your son has a problem but you too also have a problem that your son has put on you and your family.

I dont respond much because Im dealing with my torments so I hope this is helpful 

[Guest_10219]

Thank you for your response.

We couldn't have been any more supportive with him. Talking to him about it only leads to him blowing up. He was at point blank range screaming at my wife on Monday evening. She is tiny. He is a big bloke. She was quite fearful and spent the day at work in tears yesterday.

The issue is his drug use. It is exacerbating his mental health issues. He sent her a long text ranting and the majority of it was twisting of the truth. He lies and sneaks around and his behaviour is increasingly erratic.

[Guest_10219]

Thanks you for your reply and offer of support. I appreciate it.

My wife has sat in with my son and the psych when he was 17. She said he simply made things up. He is like Good Will Hunting. He tells them what they want to hear and pushes the right buttons to get sympathy.

We think it is very wise for him to go back to uni and be busy and out of our house. We know he is doing well at uni yet when he exploded the other night he was saying he hates it. We know that is rubbish. Sunday night he'd come home saying how much he loves it.

He won't go to see our GP as he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. It is all on us apparently. Read any journal article about marijuana and bipolar and it is simply as bad a combination as you can get yet if we bring that up he refutes it and says it assists with his anxiety. He is already medicated for anxiety, depression and takes anti-psychotic medications.

We really see this only going one way.

[Guest_10219]

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. It is extremely helpful.

From what we can gather he continues to take his medication, however I think the pot undoes that to some extent. We have urged him to give it up but he is convinced it's not adversely affecting him.

You are correct in he has pretty much got us bluffed. He has trained us to avoid conflict but when it inevitably comes up he explodes and we go back into our shell again to avoid it.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Steve

It was good to learn more of you and your son’s story.

My concern about your son going back to university was driven by two thoughts.

First, that I don’t believe his mental health and anger issues will just “disappear” because he’s at university. And this leads to the second thought that, if he displays such anger and intimidation tactics as he does with you and your wife with fellow students or teachers etc he could end up in a world of trouble—not just academically but with law enforcement.

Yet, you’ve now shared that he’s doing well at university. 
If this assessment includes not just grades but relationships, I’m left to wonder if his intolerable exploding rage is something he can control but he simply chooses not to at home. 
I think you and your wife need to get on the same page about boundaries and pot use, and develop a plan to communicate your thoughts to him. A counsellor or family therapist can help you to do this in a way that reflects your needs and his mental health needs. If he has behaved this way for ten years, I don’t think it will be a straight line to the type of improvement you will be seeking.

How are you feeling now? Are you able to sleep? I know this is a really challenging time and I encourage you to be kind to yourself and to look after yourself as best you can. 
Kind thoughts to you